“How to convince your parents to butt out of your parenting life cuz I’m a teen mom living on my own but my parents won’t stop trying to insert themselves into our lives.”
It is understandable that you want your independence and at the same time you need to try to understand that your parents want to help you and your baby because they love you. All teenagers distance themselves from their parents, and many parents find this process difficult. The fact that you are going through this process while having a baby of your own may be making it more difficult for your parents.
So, what can you do?
- If you tell your parents that they are inserting themselves into your life, they may not understand what you mean. It is always better to give them concrete examples. Why don’t you write a list of the things you find intrusive? For example, I think that you are intruding when…:
“You come to my place announced”,
“You give me unsolicited parenting advice’, or
“You tell me that my way of doing things is not right”.
- Once you have this list, tell them in a nice way how you feel. It may be something like: “Mum and Dad, I really love you and I know that you are trying to help but I need some space to find my feet as a mum. I find it too intrusive when you do…, could you please try to stop doing it?”. See how they react, you may not want to go through the whole list at once. It may be better to tell them in small doses.
- Whenever they give you unsolicited parenting advice, try saying things like: “I appreciate you want to help but I think I am going to try it my way first” or ““I know that you have more experience than I do but I need to figure things out by myself”.
- If you and your parents are up to it, having a session with a family therapist, may help you deal with these issues and find ways to solve them. Do get in touch with me if this sounds like a good idea.
You may find this article helpful: How to Deal with Unsolicited Parenting Advice
I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How to deal with unsolicited advice from my own parents as a new parent”
First of all, congratulations on your new baby. I hope you are both doing fine. And welcome to the “I am going to tell you how to raise your child” chapter of your life from anyone that comes across your path. Because the fact is that as soon as your baby is born, everyone has an opinion about how you should do it. It can be exhausting and infuriating, at a time when you are most likely feeling stretched and vulnerable.
I would make a distinction between when you are getting unsolicited advice from your parents than when you get it from any other person. It is still frustrating but remember that your parents are saying it from a place of deep love and because they genuinely want to help you and your baby. With the arrival of your baby, the family system has changed, and you all need to readjust to the new situation. You need to find your feet as a new mum and your parents need to find their place as grandparents. You all need to redefine your roles and boundaries now that your baby has arrived.
So, when your parents give advice try to set up your boundaries by redirecting the conversation. You can say things like:
- “I appreciate you want to help but I think I am going to try it my way first”.
- “I know that you have more experience than I do but I need to figure things out by myself”.
- “Thank you for your advice but I am happy with how I am doing it”.
- “I appreciate your advice, thank you”.
- “I know how much you care about the baby and me. I am figuring out what works best for us”.
You may find it difficult saying these things to your parents, but I don’t recommend that you stay quiet because at some point you may burst and explode, which could damage your relationship.
Life as a new mother is deeply ambivalent. You may be feeling elated, judged, angry, in love with your baby, frightened, happy, stretched, and everything in between. This is partly because the process of becoming a mother is still deeply misunderstood. This process is called matrescence and you can read more about it in this article: Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
I coach women going through the process of becoming mothers, because as you are experiencing, it is not easy. I would be more than happy to have a session with you (or any new mother reading) to discuss how you are doing and talk about any worry you have. You can get in touch with me here.
Lots of love,
Ana
