Did you yell at your kids over the holidays? Who didn’t??? If you are one of those parents (I am with you), you may feel awful reading recent news headlines such as: ‘Adults shouting at children can be as harmful to a child’s development as sexual or physical abuse” (CNN); ‘Shouting at children may be as damaging as physical or sexual abuse’ (The Guardian). These headlines are two examples of many articles that came out recently based on a new study considering verbal abuse a form of child abuse.
Let me be clear: I totally think that verbal abuse is a form of child abuse. But what I don’t agree with is with those headlines. In my opinion, this is an example of scientific research being misinterpreted and parenting advice missing important nuance, not only failing to help parents but provoking parental shame and guilt. What this study really found is that HOW we speak to our children matters. The tone of voice we use is important but WHAT we say is more important. There is a big difference between occasionally yelling at your child: “BRUSH YOUR TEETH, NOW!!!” and “YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!”. Not all yelling is equally negative. There is no scientific evidence supporting that occasional yelling is negative for children.
Am I advocating that it’s good to yell at our children? Not at all, it is clearly much better to talk to our children in a calm manner. But let’s be honest: who hasn’t yelled at their kids? Unless you have nerves of steel, it is almost impossible to raise a kid without at least yelling occasionally at them. So, let’s be realistic and instead of aiming to never yell, let’s try to do it as rarely as we can, and when we do it, not to say things that we will regret.
Let’s Consider Some Relevant Aspects of Yelling
The Content of the Yelling Is More Important than the Volume
Yelling is always wrong when we insult, belittle, demean, degrade, shame, ridicule, threaten or name-call our child. We should never use our words to cause distress to our child, no matter the volume of our voice.
Frequency Matters
If the family’s ‘normal’ is yelling, chances are that the household is probably not a warm and caring environment. There are families when parents are ‘always yelling’. If this is your case, it would be a good idea to address this issue.
Watch Your Child
If your child looks scared when you yell at him, you need to stop. You never want to scare your child. When that happens, your child cannot really process what you are saying, and it is negative for their development.
Why May Yelling Be Negative for Our Children?
Children are predisposed to believe the important adults in their life. So, when we say things to our child such as “you can’t do anything right”, “you’re useless”, or “you’re stupid”, they are likely to believe us and to internalize those messages. A recent survey in the UK found that children aged 11-17 considered these three messages the most upsetting they hear from their parents and carers. Worryingly, 51% of children reported hearing at least one of these messages weekly and 1 in 10 said they heard such messages daily. Children who are treated this way have more chances to experience low self-esteem, and are at higher risk of experiencing anxiety, depression and substance and alcohol abuse.
Why Do We Yell?
Often yelling is not a discipline strategy but an emotional response. We feel overwhelmed, frustrated, impatient, tired and we may end up saying things that we regret.
To stop yelling it is important to know your triggers. It could be a messy room (definitely mine), having said the same thing over and over, being slow at getting ready, not listening, or picky eating.
Your yelling might also be influenced by how you were raised. Was yelling the norm for your parents? If that is the case, think how it made you feel and consider whether you want it to be the norm for you children.
So, if you never yell at your children: amazing! But as a parent and a psychologist I would say that it is almost impossible to never yell at your child. It will happen. The important thing is that it doesn’t become the norm. Let’s try not to, but if on occasions we do yell, let’s not blame ourselves. It doesn’t mean that we are bad parents, and it won’t harm your child irreparably and forever. And remember, you can apologize to your child. Saying “I am sorry, I’m very stressed tonight and I lost my temper” goes a long way.
If you want to learn more about this topic, watch the recording of a webinar we held in early 2024. Note that you have to be a REC Parenting member to access it. Join our community now!
I hope you have found this article useful. As always, do get in touch with us if you have any queries or comments. And remember that our parenting experts are available to support you.
Much love,
Ana
Believing in Santa is a great part of being a child. It brings families together and so much excitement, fun, and enjoyment to children (and many adults).
However, in the past few years some psychologists have voiced their concerns against Santa. Why? They don’t have anything personal against him but they are against parents lying to their children because they believe that it may create mistrust between parents and children.
What is my take? This is it: “Oh come on!!!!!!!!!!!” Can’t we allow our children to be kids, and let them believe for a while in a world where everything is possible? I am all for honesty but isn’t this taking it too far?
Let’s have a look at the research on this topic (which you hopefully will trust more than my opinion).
Will Telling my Child that Santa Exists Bring Mistrust to Our Relationship?
NO. There is no evidence supporting that belief and later disbelief in Santa will create any mistrust between you and your child.
Is It Negative for Children to Believe in Santa?
NO. Magical thinking is part of children’s development specially between the ages of 5 and 8. During these ages, many children have an imaginary friend and believe in monsters and flying carpets. They believe in the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy (in Spain instead of the Tooth Fairy we have a mouse called Perez- go figure!). Blurring the lines between reality and fantasy is part of childhood.
Children Don’t Believe Everything They Are Told Or See. Why Do They Believe in Santa?
There are many reasons for this. First, they really want to believe! It is wonderful!
Second, everyone around them (including their parents who they trust the most) tell them that he is real and even more they leave evidence around the house to support the story. And contrary to what one may believe, the more men dressed as Santa children see, the more they believe he is real.
What’s the Typical Age for Children to Find Out the (Sad) Truth?
Most research shows that around age 8, children start to figure out that the story of Santa doesn’t add up. Most children come to this conclusion on their own when they realize that the story is physically impossible (“So Santa is coming through the chimney with the reindeers?”).
How Do Children React?
There is no evidence to support that finding out the truth causes any distress or that children will mistrust their parents. And even when it comes as a disappointment, it does not last long. Even more, a recent study shows that some children report feeling relieved once they know the truth and others felt pride to be in the ‘inner circle’ of those in the know.
Is It Better to Tell Children the Truth or To Let Them Be?
Importantly, children report feeling better when they managed to find the truth by themselves. So, even if you think your child is too old not to know the truth, let them be!
Sometimes your child may know but they choose not to tell you because they want to keep the magic going or because they think you will be sad once you know they know.
By the time your child comes to you to discuss it, they usually have given it plenty of thought and are ready to face reality. With Santa (as with everything else), follow your child’s lead. Use their questions to assess where to take the conversation and what they are ready to discuss and understand.
One important thing to tell them once they find out is not to spoil the fun for other kids: “Once you know, your job is to keep the magic going for other kids”.
And from REC Parenting that is what we wish for your family this Christmas: a very magical time for you all. For any comments, queries or concerns, get in touch with us.
Much love,
Ana
Being a parent carries a lot of mental load: “I must remember to make an appointment at the dentist for Joe”, “Mel needs to wear red socks to school tomorrow”, “It is Sophie’s birthday next week, I need to organize the balloons”, “ I need to leave work early on Thursday because it is Peter’s parents’ evening” and on and on it goes. The to-do list is never ending! This is the mental load of being a parent. It is described as the thinking, planning, scheduling, and organizing of family members, and the emotional labour associated with this work.
I am talking about the mental load of parents but to be fair, in most households this mental load is carried by mothers. It is not me saying this (don’t shoot the messenger), research shows that even when women work similar hours and earn the same or even more than their male partners, they still have a second shift taking care of the house and the children. Because usually when fathers help, they are doing just that: Helping. The woman is still the one that needs to keep all the balls in the air and ask for help.
I don’t want to sound like the grinch, but the reality is that during Christmas our mental load increases. And depending on how ‘seriously’ you take Christmas it can increase by a lot! Decorations, visiting family (and negotiating family politics and dynamics), organizing (and cooking) meals (considering dietary requirements of half the family), present-buying (don’t forget the wrapping), attending school nativities (for which you have hand-made the perfect shepherd’s costume all on your own and from scratch), organizing Christmassy plans, card-writing, and volunteering at the school’s Christmas fair … And you must do all these while juggling work, taking care of the kids (while they are on holidays), and don’t forget to enjoy yourself and be utterly happy and charming! For many families, financial issues can be an extra concern. It can be a lot, right?
If this is how you feel every single Christmas, my proposal to you for this year is to stop and think about your priorities. It is great that you want to create a special holiday for everyone around you, but you also need to enjoy yourself and if possible, get some rest. How do we do this?
- Learn to say NO. And say no without feeling guilty or bad. If you are asked to take things on that you simply don’t have the time for or don’t want to do, say so. Learning to say no is a skill that we all need to develop. The more you say it, the better you become at it!
- Think what is important for you and what is not. Ditch things that are not important. In my case, I totally refuse to write Christmas cards. Have never done it. I don’t want to spend hours on end writing, sticking, asking for addresses …
- Share the load with the rest of the family. And I mean sharing the load, not just simply asking them to help. Delegate tasks to other members of the family. However, this means that if you don’t like how they do it, you need to keep quiet!
- Stay away from social media. If you are feeling stressed those impeccably curated images of Christmas perfection will only make you feel worse. They are part of what makes us feel overwhelmed in the first place.
- Finally, the most important one: your children don’t need the perfect Christmas organized by the perfect but tired and stressed mum. Your children want to spend time with you, they want to laugh and play and chat. They don’t care if the decorations are absolutely perfect or how many Christmas cards you wrote. They won’t remember that. They will remember the good times they had with you during Christmas and that you made them feel loved and special. That is the meaning of Christmas.
Whatever you are doing over Christmas, we wish you and your family a wonderful time. At REC Parenting we will be here to support you, should you need it. Get in touch with us!
Much love,
Ana
All families face struggles, but families formed through adoption often face challenges of their own. In this article we are going to focus on children who are adopted and some common struggles they may face.
Adoption is a lifelong journey. All adopted children will think at some point about their birth parents: “Why did they give me up for adoption?”, “What kind of people were they?”, “Would I have been happier with them?”, and “Do I have siblings?” are frequent questions. However, it is important that we do not generalise and think that all adopted children are the same. Some may have hardly any issues whereas others may find it more difficult. Adoption issues can affect adoptees at any age and at any point in their lives. It depends on their circumstances before adoption, their genetics, the age of adoption, the circumstances of their adoptive family… However, it is important to remember that all adopted children have experienced trauma or at least serious challenges, and these won’t go away just by being adopted.
Here Are Seven Common Issues Faced By Adopted Children:
1. Loss
Whatever the reason explaining why a child ends up being adopted, that child has been separated from their birth parents. Some children may have lived with many foster families and so have lost multiple families.
2. Rejection
Adopted children may feel rejected by their birth parents as they did not want them or could not take care of them.
3. Guilt or Shame
Some children may feel that there is something wrong with them that explains why their birth parents didn’t keep them.
4. Grief
Adopted children may grieve over their lost parents and family.
5. Identity and Self-Esteem
We all develop a narrative of our life. We start to create our narrative based on the stories that our carers tell us (e.g., the story of your birth, your first day of school…). As we grow up, we continue developing our personal narrative adding our own experiences. Adopted children may have issues developing an identity because they are likely to have gaps in their narrative that they cannot fill. Questions about identity are particularly important during adolescence.
6. Intimacy
Adopted children may find difficult to establish intimate relationships with family members, especially if they have lived with a few different families or if they have been victim of abuse.
7. Mastery and Control
Depending on the age of the adoption and on the circumstances leading to it, some children may feel that they have lost all control over their lives.
Here Are Seven Tips to Deal with These Issues for Parents of Adopted Children:
1. Be Honest and Open
Adopted children may have identity issues, so it is very important that you help them create a solid identity and personal narrative. Make adoption a normal topic of conversation. If they have questions that you don’t have the answers to, just say so. When possible, have as much information about their birth family as you can. Don’t lie to your child about the fact that they are adopted or the circumstances of the adoption.
Amanda Baden who has been examining adoption for 25 years, published a study a few years ago suggesting that it is best to disclose the information before the child is three. Baden found that those children who could remember being told (aged 3 and older) reported higher levels of distress than those children who did not remember ever having ‘the conversation’. One of the hardest things about being told later in life is realising that everyone else (grandparents, uncles, friends) knew the truth and didn’t tell you.
Some people may argue that it is best to wait until the child is old enough so they can really understand the ins and outs of the adoption process, but the reality is that we talk all the time with young children about things they cannot fully understand (e.g., space, the extinction of the dinosaurs). When they are little, they understand the basics of the adoption and as they grow, they will understand it fully, while knowing all the way that they were never lied to.
If you lie to your child and they find out, say when they are 14, they will have to rebuild their own identity, which will damage their self-esteem and their relationship with you. If they find out that you lied to them about something so important, they will find it difficult to trust you again and they will question everything they have ever been told.
2. Consider Keeping In Touch with the Birth Family
A growing body of research shows that having some contact with the birth family can help children deal with the feelings of loss and grief associated with leaving them, as well as to develop their sense of identity. In addition, being in touch may help your child access important medical information, have more supportive adults in their lives, understand their cultural and ethnic heritage, and relate to the birth family as real people rather than denigrating or idealising them. Of course, each family is different, and you need to consider what works best for your child. This can range from talking about their birth parents to spending time with them.
3. Provide a Loving Home with a Consistent Routine and Positive Discipline
Research shows that all children do better in warm, affectionate, and stable households. This does not mean being lax or not having rules. The idea is to be very loving and caring but at the same time establishing clear limits. This will provide the child with a sense of safety.
Having a consistent routine is key for all children but even more for adopted children who have often experienced unstable and unsafe environments. Depending on the child’s age, they may have experienced a loss of control, so allowing them to make some decisions (e.g., which extracurricular activities to take, how to decorate their bedroom) will help them to build confidence and gain some sense of control.
Being too punitive in how you discipline your child may not be a good idea because it may deepen their low self-esteem. Instead, try to use praise (e.g., ‘You have tidied up so well!”) and rewards (e.g., “If you have a bath now, you can watch some tv later”) rather than punishments.
4. Work Hand-In-Hand with Your Child’s School
Children spend around 15,000 hours at school, so it is so very important that your school knows the circumstances of your child otherwise they won’t be able to support them effectively. Adopted children are more likely to experience school exclusions and leave school with lower-than-average educational attainment. However, provided children are well supported by their adoptive families and their schools, there is no reason why they cannot thrive academically. It is important that school staff undergo specific training, so they can support adopted children effectively.
5. Be Careful with Praise and Avoid Comparing Your Child to Others
Some adopted children have low self-esteem and a deep sense of shame. If your praise is too exaggerated (e.g., “You are the cleverest boy ever!”), they may not believe you. Further, it is always better to praise their behaviours (e.g., “Look at how much effort you put in that test, you got an A!”) rather than their personality (e.g., “You got an A, how clever are you!”). In addition, try not to compare your child with their biological siblings or other family members as it can make them feel out of place.
6. Focus on Your Child’s Mental Health
Adopted children are more likely to experience significant emotional, social, and mental health difficulties than children who are not adopted. Most adopted children have experienced trauma, and they need time and support to work on it. Early negative experiences such as neglect and abuse alter the child’s brain structure and functioning, as well as the systems that deal with responses to stress. You can help your child by providing them with a stable and predictable environment both at home and school, so they start seeing the world as a safe place. Some children may need professional support at some points in their life.
7. Know What Support Is Available to You
Some families may need a lot of support whereas others need little. Or they may need different support at particular life stages. Whatever your case, it is good to know what support is available out there in case you need it. Services like one-to-one support, mental health services, support groups, parenting classes, and mentoring can be helpful.
We hope you find this article useful. If you have any questions or would like to suggest topics for us to write about, please get in touch with us.
If you need one-to-one support, do not forget to contact your REC Parenting therapist. They are waiting for you!
Much love,
Ana
With the start of the academic year, new friendships are formed, others are left behind, social groups reshuffle and sadly, bullying may happen. Because let’s be honest, bullying happens in most schools. I am very weary when schools say that it doesn’t happen in their establishments. It does happen, the important thing is how the school community tackles it.
What Is Bullying?
Bullying happens when a child hurts another on purpose. The bully has more power than the victim, they may be stronger, bigger, or more popular.
Bullying is not a one-off quarrel. It happens repeatedly over a period of time. It is more frequent between the ages of 10-13 but it can happen at any age.
Types of Bullying
- Emotional: Socially isolating the child, calling them names, laughing at them…
- Physical: Kicking, punching the child, damaging their property…
- Cyberbullying: It is a form of emotional bulling using electronic devices. The issue with cyberbullying is that the victim cannot escape their attackers. They get no rest from the bullying. Not even when they are home and are meant to be safe.
Who Is at Risk of Being Bullied?
Everyone is at risk, but the reality is that some children are more likely to be bullied than others. Children that are perceived to be different in any way, for example, because they are new to the school, are from a different country or a different religion are more likely to be bullied. Children with low self-esteem, those with disabilities or special needs are also at a higher risk. In general, children who are thought to be “weaker” or “different” are more likely to be bullied.
How to Know if my Child Is Being Bullied?
- A sudden loss of confidence, the child becoming very withdrawn, moody, aggressive, throwing tantrums, being angry
- School achievement falling
- Not wanting to go to school: Finding excuses in the morning, complaining of feeling unwell in the morning
- Coming back home without their materials or broken materials
- Saying that they did not have lunch because maybe the bully took their lunch or took their lunch money
- Having bruises or cuts
What to Do if my Child Is Being Bullied?
- Explain what bullying is and focus on behaviour rather than labelling other children (“They are mean”) or your child (“You are weak”).
- Make it very clear that it is not their fault in any way.
- Reassure your child that action can be taken.
- Encourage them to be assertive. This doesn’t mean that they must be aggressive but calm and firm about their feelings. Practice role play at home so that when they face the bully, they have the tools to respond to them.
- NEVER tell your child to sort it out by hitting the bully back. It rarely works and it can get your child into deeper trouble.
- Explore ways to extend their friendship groups, for example by joining new clubs.
- Encourage activities that encourage self-esteem such as drama or sports.
- Explore ways with them to approach the school even if they don’t want to. You can maybe propose that you talk together with their favourite teacher.
- DO NOT dismiss it as banter. If your child comes to you because they are being hurt or threatened, try not to say things like “Oh toughen up, it is just a bit of banter” or “Don’t be overdramatic, that has always happened and here we are”. Bullying can have dramatic consequences especially when the victim thinks there is no way out.
- Keep a bullying diary in case you need it in the future.
Why Do Some Children Bully Others?
The answer to this question is a rather complicated one. There is not one simple factor that explains a child becoming a bully. Bullying behaviour is influenced by a wide range of home, individual, school, neighbourhood, and societal factors.
Children bully others to gain status in their peer group. They seek out approval from their peers by being tough, cruel and powerful or by gaining reputation. Bullies often lack empathy, and their need to belong to the group overrides any other feelings they may experience.
It is important to remember that bullies themselves tend not to do well across many aspects of life. They tend to have problems at school, and show high levels of aggression, depression, and anxiety. They also have difficulties managing their emotions, particularly their anger.
What if my Child Is the Bully?
No parent wants to think that our child is a bully but when bullying happens someone is doing it! Let’s start by saying that is it NOT your fault if the child is the bully.
If your child is indeed the bully, you need a plan of action with the school. Together you need to find the motivation for your child’s behaviour. Why are they doing it? Professional support may be a good idea in these cases. Consider that many bullies continue to behave that way all their lives, so it is very important that you tackle the issue as soon as possible.
Finally, it is important to consider that bullying rarely happens in isolation. Usually, the whole class or the whole peer group know about it. Some children may encourage it, others may think it’s wrong but they may be afraid of saying something and risking being next, whereas others may defend the victim. It is really important that all parents have a chat with our kids about this issue, encouraging them to confide in us or other adults around them if them or others are being bullied. Stopping bullying is not only the responsibility of schools or of those directly involved in it, but of all of us.
This article is based on Professor Helen Cowie’s masterclass: The complete guide to bullying. Do watch it to find out many more resources and information. If your child is struggling with bullying do not hesitate to get in touch with your REC Parenting therapist. If you do not have a therapist but would like to get started, get in touch with us. We are here to support you!
Much love,
Ana
The summer holiday is a good time to reflect on what worked and did not work during the previous academic year, allowing you to start the new one feeling refreshed (hopefully!) and with new goals. Doing so will help you to achieve work-life balance. This means giving equal importance to your career demands and your personal life. Work-life balance is more than a catchphrase: it’s a necessity.
Here are eight tips to achieve work-life balance:
- It’s OK not to be perfect
There is no such thing as the perfect parent. It is important that we let go of that idea. You are not a superhero. There will be times when things won’t be perfect. Accept that this is fine, you are not failing, you are doing the best you can. And remember that for the most part, the idea of parenting we see in social media is not real. Don’t fall into the trap! Perfection is an unrealistic goal, trying to achieve it will only lead you to feeling stressed and unsatisfied.
2. Ask for help
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Remember the saying “It takes a village to raise a child”? It is true! And even more in the case of working parents and single parents. We all need help sometimes. Coordinate with other parents and family members. Take turns accompanying children to and from school, share birthday parties, and coordinate playdates so you can all have some free time.
3. Be flexible
Understanding that there may be moments when your family needs you more and other moments when your work demands your full attention is essential. Be flexible and be ready to re-prioritise when things change.
4. Do not neglect yourself
If you want to be able to take care of others, you must take care of yourself. If you are not feeling strong, you won’t be able to do well at home or at work. Remember to sleep and eat well, and exercise regularly. Many of us feel guilty when we have some ‘me time’, but we must learn to ignore that feeling! Think that taking care of yourself is the first step to take care of everything and everyone in your life.
5. Do not feel guilty because you work
Use the time that you have with the kids to enjoy them, do things together, and support them. Do not waste your time wishing that you didn’t have to work. Those thoughts are not helpful, especially if you have no other option but to work. You can be a working parent and a fantastic parent, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
6. Learn to say “no”
For many of us saying no is difficult. Maybe for you saying no is packed with guilt, you are a people pleaser, or you are afraid of disappointing others. However, think that your time and resources are limited, and you should put your energy and effort on the things that are important to you and your family. Whenever a request that you don’t want to do or can’t do comes your way, say no. The sooner you do it, the better so that you avoid unnecessary stress. Some ways of saying no are: ‘Sadly, I have something else going on’, ‘I wish I were able to’, ‘I don’t have the bandwidth to do it right now’, ‘Thanks for thinking of me. However, I am not able to’, or ‘I’m sorry, I’m not able to fit this in’. The more you do it, the easier it will become!
7. Set expectations at home and at work
The start of the academic year is the perfect moment to spend some time alone and decide what you want to achieve in the coming months. Similarly, it is a good time to hold ‘expectations meetings’ at home and at work. At home, establish with your family what will be expected of each one of you, the rules and the organisation of the household for the Autumn months.
At work, depending on your role you can have a similar discussion with your colleagues and team members. Doing this will reduce the likelihood of having to say ‘no’ as well as reduce disappointments, frictions, and arguments.
8. Change one unhealthy habit
Many of us have habits that are not the best for our physical and mental health. Perhaps you drink a bit too much, don’t exercise enough, eat too much processed food, or spend too much time on Instagram. Whereas it is not realistic trying to change all our bad (or not that good) habits at the same time, it is realistic to try to change one. Decide one habit that you would like to change, and go for it!
We wish you and your family all the very best for the new academic year. If you feel you need some extra support, remember to contact your REC Parenting therapist. You can also get in touch with us at hello@recparenting.com We are here to support you and your family!
Much love,
Ana
The first day at nursery is a big day, not only for your child but for the whole family. In this article we give you seven tips to help you prepare your child for their first day.
1. Talk Positively About Nursery
Walk past the nursery, attend an open day or an induction session. Establish that this is their nursery and talk about when they will join. Take some photos or look at the photos on the website together. Doing this helps your child to achieve a sense of familiarity with it. If your child is excited about it, keep on talking about it regularly, for example, you can count the number of sleeps. If in contrast, your child is anxious it is better not to discuss it too much to avoid building the anxiety.
2. Talk About Others’ Experience at Nursery
As a general rule, sharing your own or other family members’ experience helps your child understand that they are not alone in whatever they are going through. Ask them how they are feeling and validate those feelings. Try to avoid saying things like: “You will be fine”. Instead say things like: “I understand this is tough. I remember it was tough for me as well. Let’s see how we can help you to make things easier”.
3. Organise Playdates with Future Classmates
This is a great way for you and your child to build some relationships.
4. Practice Relevant Skills
Sharing, turn-taking, putting their coat on (watch this video to learn the best method), taking shoes on and off, drinking independently from a cup…
A common question is whether children need to be potty trained before starting at nursery. This varies from nursery to nursery. Some will ask for your child to be trained before starting whereas others will support you in this transition. In general, it is best to wait for the child to be ready. If possible, do not rush to do it in the last few weeks before nursery starts. Consider that when they start nursery, children may feel uncomfortable asking a new adult to help them in the loo and may not ask, leading to accidents that will most likely upset them. Also, at the beginning they are more likely to miss the signs because they are in a new and stimulating environment. If your child is not potty trained at the start, allow them to settle at nursery, and once they are happy you can agree with their teacher on the best time to do it.
5. Engage in Role-Play
If the nursery has a uniform or a bag, practice wearing it and role play going to school. This can be a great activity if another child you know is also starting at the same nursery.
6. Remove Their Dummy or Comfort Object for Periods of Time
Try to remove them for the part of the day that they will be at nursery. Working on language and communication will be a priority at nursery, and this will be difficult using a dummy. Similarly, your child will be working on their fine (e.g., cutting, sticking) and gross (e.g., throwing a ball) motor skills and this will be difficult if they are holding a comfort object. Explain to your child that they will be kept safe at home or at nursery until they are finished.
7. Work on Separation
Arrange to leave them even for a short period of time with a friend or a family member. Be confident when you leave and reassure them that you are coming back. Depending on how they feel, start with a few minutes and build up to an hour or two. If they are sad, tell them it is OK to feel that way and remind them that you came back as promised. Stay positive, discuss the great things they did while you were away.
What happens if your child cries a lot when you leave them at nursery? By the time your child starts nursery, they will have established a strong attachment with you and other caregivers. So, leaving you will most likely upset them. Parents usually ask if it is better to stay with their child while they settle or to leave straight away. Consider that your child needs to establish a bond with their new teacher. Why should they even try if you are there, covering all their emotional needs? The best thing when you get to nursery is to explain to your child that you must leave to go to work or run errands and explain that you will return soon. Usually, there will be tears, but your child will eventually settle. The teacher will be able to support your child better once you are gone through fun and engaging activities. Do not however sneak off, it is much better to be honest and say you are leaving. Your child will develop confidence in you that way.
If your child cries a lot, it may be a good idea to start with short sessions and gradually build up the time, keeping the separation routine consistent each time. For some children, it may take a long time but if they see that you are becoming anxious, it may be harder from them. Remember each child is different!
We hope your child has the best time at nursery! The information on this article is based on our masterclass: Choosing the right nursery for your child. Watch it here to learn more tips and useful information. If you have any questions, get in touch with me. We are here to support you and your family!
Much love,
Ana
One of the most important skills that we can teach our children is emotional intelligence.
Children who are emotionally competent do better at school, have more friends, are better liked by their teachers, and are more likely to help others.
What exactly is emotional competence? It is the ability to understand, express and regulate our emotions. Parents can help children be emotionally competent by talking about emotions with them. The more we talk about emotions with our children, the more emotionally competent they will become.
Six Things To Tell Your Child To Help Develop Their Emotional Competence
1. I Am Here For You, No Matter How You Feel
Children experience many different emotions and sometimes these emotions are accompanied by guilt or shame. Let’s imagine for example, that a child is incredibly jealous because his best friend made it to the school football team and he didn’t. He may also feel ashamed or guilty because he knows that he shouldn’t be jealous. If we tell him that we are by his side no matter what he is feeling, we are allowing him to feel whatever he is feeling. He may open up and discuss his feelings with us or with others and doing this is incredibly positive for their mental health.
2. Why Are You Behaving This Way? Let’s Think About How You Are Feeling
The way we behave is a result of our emotions. So, it is important that we help our children understand that depending on how they feel, they will behave in one way or another. For example, if we point to our teenager that when she does not get enough sleep, she becomes very moody and irritable, she may choose not to go to bed earlier (as teenagers usually do) but at least she will be aware of this link between emotions and behaviours. She now can decide that whenever she has an important day ahead of her, she needs to go to sleep early.
3. How You Feel Right Now Won’t Last Forever
Sometimes children experience intense negative feelings (e.g., sadness, anger, jealousy…) and they think that they will feel that way forever. It is very important to teach them that feelings don’t last forever, and that their intensity goes down as time goes by. This is a very important idea to remind children at times when they are feeling very bad and it seems to them that those emotions will never go away. By telling them that those feelings won’t last forever, we are protecting them against engaging in harmful behaviors such as self-harm.
4. It Is Ok to Feel What You Are Feeling
Children and adolescents want to fit in. They need to feel that they are ‘normal’. By telling them that there is nothing weird about what they are feeling, we are normalising their emotions and we are making them feel that they fit in just fine.
Something that tends to help children is telling them that you remember feeling that way when you were their age. When my son was about eight, he went through a period of feeling anxious on Sunday evenings when thinking about the school week ahead of him. By telling him that I remembered feeling that way, and that I remembered having a knot in my stomach (which was exactly what he was feeling), his emotions were normalized and although they didn’t go away, he felt that there was nothing wrong with him, and that it was OK to feel that way.
5. Don’t Let Your Feelings Control You
To some extent, we can control our feelings. This is called emotion regulation and the best way to do it, is by changing the way we think about what we are feeling. For example, if a teenager is moving cities because his mum changed jobs, he will probably feel a mix of sadness, anger, and anxiety. The best way to control those feelings is to help him consider his evaluation of the situation, which is something he can control. We can tell him that he has two options: one is not to do anything and continue feeling miserable. The other option is to acknowledge that even if this move was not his choice, it can be a new opportunity to get to know a new city, make more friends, and become more resilient. We need to remind our children that we can control how we evaluate the situations we are going through. The situation they are experiencing may not be his choice, but how they evaluate that situation is his choice.
6. Let’s Put a Name to That Feeling
Very often and especially in the case of young children, they experience emotions but they do not know how to name them. It is important that we take a moment to put a label on their emotions because children tend to feel better just by doing so. Labelling their emotions also helps children understand the cause of that emotion, and next time they feel that way, they will be better able to understand what is going on.
Final Words
So, just remember that it is very important to discuss emotions with your children. The more you do this, the more emotionally competent your children will become. Don’t forget that emotional competence is a super important skill to have in life. The more emotionally competent children, the better they tend to do.
If you are interested in this topic, don’t forget to watch Professor Harriet Tenenbaum’s REC masterclass.
I hope this info helps. If you have queries or comments, get in touch with us.
Much love,
Ana
With children already on holidays, parents are facing the challenge of how to deal with having them at home while you still need to work. This can be a tricky and stressful moment, especially if you cannot rely on your extended family, summer camps, or friends to lend you a hand.
Here Are Some Ideas that You May Find Helpful
1. Set Up Expectations and Limits
Setting up expectations is helpful so that everyone is clear on how things are going to work. Have a family meeting to decide the rules. Discuss expectations (e.g., organise your room, load the dishwasher, going out rules…). Decide the structure of the days so that the children know what to expect. Explain to your children the hours that you need to work each day or the specific times. For example, “I need to be at my desk and not disturbed between 9-12. Once I am done, we can go to the park”. Doing this everyday helps your children to manage their expectations and gives them stability.
You also may want to set up rules about when it is OK for your child to disturb you while you are at work (e.g., “You can only come into my study or wherever you are working if someone rings the bell, or if you have hurt yourself”). Avoid telling them to come in when there is an emergency, because you and them may have different ideas of what an emergency is! Clearly define what counts as an emergency.
Setting up expectations will help your children to be less upset if you are not with them, and you are less likely to get frustrated if they are not respecting your needs. Sometimes parents end up being ‘entertainers’ because we think that we need to fill every moment of our child’s life with ‘valuable’ experiences. We end up constantly organising plans for them. Remember that there is also value in children getting bored because that way, for example, they are more likely to develop their creativity. Similarly, it is good for children to be able to decide what they want to play with and how they want that play to look like. We all need to learn to be with alone with ourselves and this is not something children will learn if we are organising every single moment for them.
And remember, do not feel guilty if you are working over the summer holidays. You are doing what you have to do and the best you can!
2. Adapt Your Schedule to Your Child’s Needs and Routines (if at All Possible)
If you can work flexibly, try to adapt your work to suit your child. For example, if your teenager sleeps until midday, use that time to work and when they wake up you can have lunch together. Or if you have a baby that naps in the morning and afternoon, use that time to get on with work.
3. Have a Space Only for You (if at All Possible)
Working while the kids are at home may be tricky but working in the same room as the kids is definitely not easy! If possible, have a space in the house that is only yours while you are working and make it clear to the children that they cannot come in unless there is a real emergency. If possible, avoid working in the kitchen because someone is always likely to come in to get some water or a snack.
If you have to work with the kids in the room, encourage them to do activities that are not too loud, like reading, making a puzzle, building with Legos… Another option is for you to wear ear plugs!
4. Loosen Up the Rules
The holidays are a good moment to loosen up a bit. We are not saying to go totally crazy because children still need rules, consistency, and a routine (especially the little ones) but we can perhaps relax them a little. You may, for example, allow some extra screen time, let your teenager sleep in a bit longer, or let your 10-year-old go to bed 30 minutes later than usual. However, remember to make it clear that rule-relaxation only applies during the school holidays. Otherwise, your troops may rebel come school-time!
If you do relax the rules, start to go back to ‘normal’ a few days before school starts again so that your child has time to adjust.
5. Find Your Village
They say that ‘it takes a village’ to raise a child because it is true! If you have friends or family around with children, offer to organise a rota: you take their kids some afternoons or mornings and they do the same for you. Or if their children are doing the same activities as yours, organise a rota for drop-offs and pick-ups. Ask other parents how they organise themselves, they may give you useful tips and ideas.
6. Prioritise
Decide what your priorities are for the summer regarding work and family life. You probably will not have time to do everything, so planning ahead and deciding what needs to be done and what can wait will help you avoid frustrations and disappointment. Try to be realistic with your time. I don’t know about you, but I am way too optimistic with mine!
Plan ahead and be flexible. If things are not working out as you had planned, be creative and work out other solutions or strategies.
7. And Above All… Enjoy Your Child!
The holidays are a time when we don’t have to follow a strict timetable and children have less obligations. Therefore, we are less likely to argue with our children about homework, sleep time or music practice. Use this time to chat with them, have a laugh, do things together that you both enjoy.
Sometimes, as parents we fall in the trap of thinking that we need to be always doing something valuable with our children. While this is great, remember that there is also value in ‘not doing anything’. Spending a lazy morning in bed, watching a movie in the afternoon, or playing videogames together, are all valuable moments. During these moments, you enjoy each other’s company and strengthen your bond. Now, that is valuable!
However your summer is looking, we hope that you have a great time and you and your family have time to recharge and enjoy yourselves.
Much love,
Ana
Photo credit: Nappy on Unsplash
