“Advice for classroom management strategies? New-ish nursery school teacher here and want to make sure I am prepared at the new nursery I’ve transferred to, being that the wee ones (4 year olds in my new class) can be absolutely chaotic at times! Thank you so much.”
Good luck in your new position! The 4-year-olds are lovely but exhausting indeed! I worked in a nursery for a year and remember it very well.
Here are some ideas for you:
- You set the emotional climate in your classroom: the children sense how you feel, whether you are angry, sad, happy… When you are positive and in a good mood, you are likely to establish a good rapport with them and they are more likely to behave well because they will want to please you.
- Use praise: sometimes we only focus on bad behaviour and ignore when they behave well. Notice when they behave well and tell them. They are more likely to repeat the behaviours you praise.
- Assign jobs: giving them jobs makes them feel important members of the group.
- Establish clear routines so they know what is coming and what they are meant to be doing. Children like routine. It gives them stability and a sense of security and safety.
- Set clear expectations and rules. This also gives children a sense of safety.
- Be a good role model: if you want them to be kind and respectful towards each other, you need to behave that well.
- Establish a good rapport with parents and caregivers: caring for children is a team effort.
- Know about child development so you can adjust your expectations about what children that age are able to do.
- Plan transitions: transitions can be chaotic. Manage them by giving them notice when a transition is about to happen, as this will allow children to prepare for them.
I wish you all the very best!
Love,
Ana
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Understanding Brain Development in ChildrenLet’s Celebrate International Mathematics Day: Discover its Magic as a Family!
“Do you have suggestions for a good behavior intervention plan for troublesome children in my class? I’m a teacher of grade 5 girls at a girls’ private summer school, and two were ganging up on the rest of the students the past few months. I know it’s nearly the actual school year but I wanted to get ahead on behavior management strategies if this continues.”
If I am not mistaken, grade 5 children are 10-11 years old. This means that they are starting adolescence. They are starting to push away from their parents and their peer group is becoming more and more important. At this stage, peer groups are constantly evolving, and tensions and problems are likely to appear. Children go through hormonal changes at different times, their brains are not fully matured, and they have to manage academic pressure while juggling family and peer dynamics.
What you are describing is relational aggression. This type of aggression is more common amongst girls. Girls who engage in relational aggression harm others damaging their relationships and social standing. They want to gain power and social standing at the expense of their targets. Relational bullying often involves spreading false rumours, making fun of the other person for their personality or appearance, posting negative information online, giving them silent treatment…Your school should have an anti-bullying policy as well as anti-bullying programs. It would be a good idea to implement this program in your classroom. These programs usually involve life-skill and social-emotional learning modules that help young people manage and understand emotions and maintain positive and empathetic relationships.
I would encourage you instead of thinking about ‘troublesome children’ to think about children who, at times, behave poorly.
I hope this information helps.
Love,
Ana
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“Help – my baby cries every time I put her down. She’s 6 months old and has been doing this since 1 month old.”
Babies are born with their own temperament. This means that some babies are easier than others. Some babies have easy temperaments: they don’t cry much, feed well, sleep well, and tend to be content. Other babies have more difficult temperaments: they cry a lot, do not sleep and feed as well, and are more irritable. So, this could be a factor explaining why she likes to be held. It is very possible that she simply likes to be close to you because next to you she is more relaxed and calmer. Also, keep in mind that that babies find it difficult to self-soothe and find it difficult to put themselves back to sleep from being held to being in their cot.
I know very well that having a baby that only wants to be held is exhausting. So if possible, ask other family members or friends to give you a hand with her. Maybe the baby won’t go with them, but they can give you a hand around the house, so you have less on your plate. Also, if you are feeling overwhelmed try not to be alone with the baby a lot. Go for walks with a friend, join a local mum and baby group, or simply sit with the baby at a café. I know that this is tough for you, and I feel for you.
I hope this information helps.
Love,
Ana
Related articles:
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“How can we stop bullying in schools as parents? I’m so sick of my kid coming home crying and the school ain’t doing a thing about the bullies”
Bullying is something that parents and schools should take seriously, and I understand your frustration if the school is not helping.
You need to talk to the school and tell them that nothing they are doing is working. If you have already talked to your child’s teachers, talk to the headteacher. Take to the meeting a written record of all bullying incidents. Record the dates and names of children involved, and where it happened. Approach the meeting with a collaborative spirit and not in a confrontational way. You need to work with the school to stop the bullying.
Ask for specific measures they will take and set up a follow up meeting to discuss progress. Give the school reasonable tome to investigate and implement measures. Keep notes from your meetings. Be persistent. If the bullying continues or gets worse and the school cannot stop it, you may want to talk to a lawyer. You should involve the police if your child has been physical assaulted or if they are threatening him.
Bullying happens in every school but with a good bullying prevention program, it can be reduced. If your school does not have an official anti-bullying policies or prevention programs, you should push for them to develop them.
Here are a few things you could do at home to support your child at home:
- Explain what bullying is and focus on behaviour rather than labelling other children (“They are mean”) or your child (“You are weak”).
- Make it very clear that it is not their fault in any way.
- Reassure your child that action can be taken.
- Encourage them to be assertive. This doesn’t mean that they must be aggressive but calm and firm about their feelings. Practice role play at home so that when they face the bully, they have the tools to respond to them.
- NEVER tell your child to sort it out by hitting the bully back. It rarely works and it can get your child into deeper trouble.
- Explore ways to extend their friendship groups, for example by joining new clubs.
- Encourage activities that encourage self-esteem such as drama or sports.
- Explore ways with them to approach the school even if they don’t want to. You can maybe propose that you talk together with their favourite teacher.
- Be mindful of his electronic devices. Bullying can continue while he is at home through messages and emails.
- DO NOT dismiss it as banter. If your child comes to you because they are being hurt or threatened, try not to say things like “Oh toughen up, it is just a bit of banter” or “Don’t be overdramatic, that has always happened and here we are”. Bullying can have dramatic consequences especially when the victim thinks there is no way out.
- Keep a bullying diary in case you need it in the future. This is important in case the school dismisses the bullying claims or in case you need to get the police involved.
I hope this helps. I wish you and your child all the very best. No child deserves to be bullied.
Love,
Ana
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Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
“Can you please advise on how to handle food aggression in toddlers? I feel like I’m going to lose a hand whenever I give my niece a snack.”
am not sure that ‘food aggression’ is really a thing but I know what you mean. There are two strategies you could use to teach your toddler how to behave around food. First, be a model for her. Children learn more from what they see than from what we do. So, when you eat around her, when you are all at the dinner table together, when she gives you any food, show her the right way to behave. Second, whenever you give her food and she is aggressive, tell her calmly but firmly: “No, you hurt my hand when you take the food this way. Take it gently, like this” (and model it to her). Whenever she gets the snack in a nice way: praise her so she understands how she should behave.
I hope this helps! Your niece is very lucky to have such an invested aunt.
Love,
Ana
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Why my Toddler Says No to Everything
“Teachers say my 5 year old not listening in kindergarten. What can I do?”
This may seem like quite an obvious thing to say but before anything else, check his hearing. It may be that at home he hears well but in kindergarten with all the extra noise, he has hearing difficulties. It is always important to discard any possible physical reasons for our children’s behaviours before focusing on psychological ones.
He could also be having trouble with language, following directions, or focusing. It could also be that he is feeling nervous at kindergarten and that stops him from listening properly. It is always important to remember that your child does not mean to be disrespectful, he needs help building his listening skills. Talk to the teacher about these possible reasons and work together to support him. It is very important that the kindergarten and you work as a team.
At home, you can practice with your son to develop his listening skills. Teach him that whenever the teacher talks to him, he should look at them in the eye and ask him to repeat what they said if he did not quite understand it. The teacher could also sit your child next to a ‘well-behaved’ kid so he can model what he should be doing.
Typically, as your child develops, he will get better at listening. If he does not make progress, it may be a good idea to explore whether he may have ADHD or any other condition.
I wish you three all the very best!
Love,
Ana
Related articles:
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Executive Functions: Discover Everything You Need to Know
Is ADHD an Excuse for Bad Behavior?
“My daughter’s grandmother, my mother, will sometimes shut my daughter down by critiquing her, for example, telling her she should clean up her room before she makes dance videos with her friends. Note, she’s showing these to my mom because she’s excited about the dances she is creating and wants her to be excited for her too. It makes my daughter feel badly when my mom criticizes her and she wishes she would focus more on the more positive parts of the video she’s sharing, like the dancing or the fun she’s having in making the videos. How do I support my daughter with this dilemma? My daughter is 14 and doesn’t want to make a big deal about it and definitely does not want me to say anything to my mother. It’s important to also note that they generally have a really close relationship which is why it’s so hurtful to my daughter when this kind of thing happens. My mom used to do this with me when I was young too, be nit picky on certain things and it kept me from wanting to tell her things. I want to support my daughter by respecting her wishes to not say something to my mom, but I also don’t want her to be put in a situation where she feels badly or won’t advocate for her feelings. Any suggestions?”
This situation happens often. What is happening is a disconnect between the things your daughter considers important and the things your mum consider important. To your daughter, her dance videos are really important. Your mum does not understand how important they are to your daughter, and she considers that things like having a tidy room are more important.
I understand this is upsetting to your daughter but let’s take this situation as a learning opportunity. Explain to your daughter that many times in life, there will be moments when people that love her will not share her same passions or interests. Tell her that her grandma loves her deeply and she does not want to hurt her feelings, it is simply that her grandma does not realize how important the dance videos are to her. Take this opportunity to teach her about the importance of being assertive, this is, the ability to tell someone how we feel and what we want without hurting the other person’s feelings. So, she could practice telling her grandmother something like: “Grandma, these videos are important for me, so I would really love for you to like them, too. I love you and I want to share this you, but it hurts me when you criticize me for making them”.
I wish you three all the very best!
Love,
Ana
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“I have a strained relationship with my mother (I’m an adult and parent myself) because she’s always been a bipolar parent, but refused to take her medication. Now, she’s ill and needs caring for, but I don’t know if I can handle it. Any advice on how to help a mother with bipolar while still safeguarding mine and my son’s mental health?”
Bipolar disorder is one of the most common life-long conditions. About one to two in every 100 people will have bipolar disorder. This means that almost as many people live with bipolar disorder as they do with cancer. As you very well know, it is a condition where moods can swing from one extreme to another. Mood states can last from days to weeks. Some people will have a few episodes while others can have many.
Without medication, the person can exhibit poor decision making, risky behaviour, sleeplessness, spending sprees, social withdrawal, trouble meeting work obligations, lack of personal hygiene, psychosis or in the worst cases, suicide.
Your situation is difficult and can feel very isolating. This is why connecting with other people experiencing the same thing as you, can help you manage it better and feel less alone. Organizations such as The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) provide a safe space for caregivers and relatives of those living with bipolar disorder.
Right now, with your mum needing care, you need to decide how you want to support her. Only you can make this decision. It may be a good idea to work with a therapist to help you navigate this moment. A therapist will help you establish clear boundaries for you and your son. And remember that you can still support your mother even if you are not directly involved in her day-to-day care. Take care of yours and your son’s mental health, ditch any guilt you may be experiencing, and act according to your own values.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Related articles:
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How to Deal with the In-Laws: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
“How should I go about cutting ties with a toxic daughter? She’s 30 and horrible to me—I really need to prioritize my mental health and don’t want to let myself get hurt even more.”
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Your message makes me very sad.
This type of problems usually appears because there are not clear boundaries between you and your daughter. I strongly recommend you seek the support of a therapist. The therapist will help you define what your boundaries are, communicate them to your daughter, and be prepared to enforce consequences if your boundaries are crossed. He will also give you the tools to manage your emotions and thoughts.
The reason why I think it is so important that you work with a therapist is that your situation is rare. A recent survey by charity Stand Alone shows that only 5% of estranged parents had initiated it themselves. It is so rare, partly because our society expects parents to unconditionally love their children and to accept any kind of treatment, So, because the situation you are facing is rare, it can make it especially isolating, which is not good for your mental health. You need a space to discuss your situation that is compassionate and non-judgemental.
Parents usually cut off relationships with their children for the same reasons that children cut off their parents: family conflict, differences in personal values, substance abuse, and other difficult behaviours. Research conducted by Stand Alone shows that with daughters, the most common reasons for cutting ties are mental health problems and emotional abuses, whereas divorce and in-laws are the most common reasons in the case of boys.
Estrangement is not always permanent. Mothers and daughters especially, are more likely to go through phases of estrangement and reunification. Also, consider that if you cut ties with your daughter, there will be moments, such as the holidays and birthdays, when you will most likely find it tougher.
I would be very happy to help you find a therapist. Just get in touch with me.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
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How to Deal with the In-Laws: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Why Is Family Important?
“My son hit his head and has a big bump while staying with my mother, but she won’t tell me what happened. I took him to the doctor and he’s fine, but now i don’t know if I can trust my mom to watch him, should I still trust her?”
This is a tricky situation for you. I am sorry about it.
I guess your son is too little to tell you what happened, so you can only rely on your mum and she won’t say anything. As tough as it is, your priority should be your son’s safety, so if I were you, I would tell my mum that she cannot spend time alone with him, unless she tells you what happened. I would tell her that we are happy to hang out with her but that right now I don’t feel safe leaving my son with her.
How is your mum’s health? Could it be that she is not telling you because she does not remember? Perhaps it is worth taking your mum to the doctor for a checkup.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Do you have advice on how to deal with tantrums in 5 year olds? He’s been in just a foul mood for the last few months.”
Tantrums are less common after age 3 but they still may happen at age 5. However, if you are worried talk to your doctor.
Tantrums are brief episodes of extreme and sometimes aggressive behaviours in response to frustration or anger. They usually include crying, hitting, throwing items, biting, pushing, going limp and breath-holding. Tantrums happen because of hunger, tiredness, illness and frustration. Therefore, prevention is the best way to avoid them.
They happen because it may still be difficult for your child to control his emotions. As your child grows and they learn to put their feelings into words, the frequency, length and severity of the tantrums decrease (don’t despair! -There is light at the end of the tunnel). In this article, I give you a few guidelines to help develop your child’s emotional competence.
If you do not manage to prevent them, there is not much you can do once the tantrum starts. The best thing to do is to wait it out. Make sure your child is safe (they sometimes bang their heads against the wall or the floor), stay close but don’t do anything. Once they finish, wipe their tears and redirect their attention to another activity.
The acronym R.I.D.D. can help you handle tantrums (easier said than done, we know):
- Remain calm
- Ignore the tantrum
- Distract the child as soon as it is over
- Do make sure your child is safe but don’t give in to demands.
Do not give in. If you give into the tantrum, you are reinforcing the behaviour and your child will know that if he throws a tantrum, he will get what he wants. We know it may be painful to watch, but the best thing for your child is for you to wait until he is done.
Tantrums and meltdowns can really push you to the limit. Try to remain as calm as you can. If you think you are going to lose it, make sure your child is safe and leave the room for a few seconds to calm yourself down. Another useful technique is to ring a friend and have a chat to distract yourself while making sure your child is safe. Or ask a neighbour to come in. And remember, this phase won’t last forever even if sometimes it feels like it.
You may find these articles useful:
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Help! My 3 year old is out of control. Throws a fit at everything, angry, upset, uncontrollable”
At the age of 3, it is very difficult for your child to control their emotions. And at this age when they are happy, they are VERY happy and when they are angry, they are VERY angry. At this same time, children become more independent. Most of them can now walk around and with this newly gained physical independence, they want to be allowed to DO things. And when you tell them ‘NO’ the frustration begins. And because they cannot control that frustration and they don’t have the ability to tell you how they are feeling, the tantrum begins!
Tantrums happen because of hunger, tiredness, illness and frustration. Therefore, prevention is the best way to avoid them.
Some useful tips are:
- Establish a consistent routine so the child knows when it is time to go to bed, have a bath, eat, and play.
- Take snacks with you when you are out and about to avoid your child getting hungry.
- If possible, avoid ‘boring’ activities like going to the supermarket or to the post office around nap time or lunch time when your child is more likely to be cranky.
- Have toys at the ready so you can distract your child if he starts getting frustrated.
If you do not manage to prevent them, there is not much you can do once the tantrum starts. The best thing to do is to wait it out. Make sure your child is safe (they sometimes bang their heads against the wall or the floor), stay close but don’t do anything. Once they finish, wipe their tears and redirect their attention to another activity.
The acronym R.I.D.D. can help you handle tantrums (easier said than done, we know):
- Remain calm
- Ignore the tantrum
- Distract the child as soon as it is over
- Do make sure your child is safe but don’t give in to demands.
Do not give in. If you give into the tantrum, you are reinforcing the behaviour and your child will know that if he throws a tantrum, he will get what he wants. We know it may be painful to watch, but the best thing for your child is for you to wait until he is done.
Finally, remember that children learn more from what we do than from what we say. Be a good role model for your child and manage your emotions in a calm way.
You may find these articles useful:
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“My 3-year-old meltdowns over everything. How can I stop it?”
Tantrums are brief episodes of extreme and sometimes aggressive behaviours in response to frustration or anger. They usually include crying, hitting, throwing items, biting, pushing, going limp and breath-holding.
They happen because at this stage it is very difficult for your child to control their emotions. And at this age when they are happy, they are VERY happy and when they are angry, they are VERY angry. At this same time, children become more independent. Most of them can now walk around and with this newly gained physical independence, they want to be allowed to DO things. And when you tell them ‘NO’ the frustration begins. And because they cannot control that frustration and they don’t have the ability to tell you how they are feeling, the tantrum begins!
Tantrums happen because of hunger, tiredness, illness and frustration. Therefore, prevention is the best way to avoid them.
Some useful tips are:
- Establish a consistent routine so the child knows when it is time to go to bed, have a bath, eat, and play.
- Take snacks with you when you are out and about to avoid your child getting hungry.
- If possible, avoid ‘boring’ activities like going to the supermarket or to the post office around nap time or lunch time when your child is more likely to be cranky.
- Have toys at the ready so you can distract your child if he starts getting frustrated.
If you do not manage to prevent them, there is not much you can do once the tantrum starts. The best thing to do is to wait it out. Make sure your child is safe (they sometimes bang their heads against the wall or the floor), stay close but don’t do anything. Once they finish, wipe their tears and redirect their attention to another activity.
The acronym R.I.D.D. can help you handle tantrums (easier said than done, we know):
- Remain calm
- Ignore the tantrum
- Distract the child as soon as it is over
- Do make sure your child is safe but don’t give in to demands.
Do not give in. If you give into the tantrum, you are reinforcing the behaviour and your child will know that if he throws a tantrum, he will get what he wants. We know it may be painful to watch, but the best thing for your child is for you to wait until he is done.
Tantrums happen between the ages of two and three but may occur as young as 12 months. They happen in 87% of 18 to 24-month-olds, 91% of 30 to 36-month-olds, and 59% of 42 to 48-month-olds. They tend to occur once a day for around three minutes. As your child grows and they learn to put their feelings into words, the frequency, length and severity of the tantrums decrease (don’t despair! -There is light at the end of the tunnel).
Tantrums and meltdowns can really push you to the limit. Try to remain as calm as you can. If you think you are going to lose it, make sure your child is safe and leave the room for a few seconds to calm yourself down. Another useful technique is to ring a friend and have a chat to distract yourself while making sure your child is safe. Or ask a neighbour to come in. And remember, this phase won’t last forever even if sometimes it feels like it.
You may find these articles useful:
How to Discipline a 3-Year-Old?
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“It won’t stop crying”
You don’t give much information, so I assume you have a baby that won’t stop crying. I sympathize because it is incredibly tough.
Crying is a way for babies to communicate with their caregivers. Babies tend to cry when they feel hungry, tired, in pain, thirsty, discomfort, or alone. When your baby cries check for possible reasons: Has he fed well? Does he have a dry nappy? Has he slept? Does he have a temperature? If everything seems in order and you still think he cries a lot, take him to the doctor to check any other possible causes for his crying.
I don’t know how old your baby is, but it is important to understand what normal crying behaviour is. All babies cry; however, some cry more than others, making it more difficult for parents and caregivers to keep their cool. Typically, babies cry for 4 or 5 hours a day, peaking at 6-8 weeks of life. From around 3 months of age, most babies start crying a bit less. It is also very normal for crying to come and go, without you understanding why. And for the baby not to stop crying no matter what you do. It is also very common for babies to cry more in the late afternoon or early evening.
When he cries, letting him breastfeed, holding him or putting him in a sling, giving a massage or a bath, or taking him out for a walk, may calm him down.
Being alone with a crying baby can be really tough for you. If you are finding it too much, ring a friend, ask a neighbour to help, or go outside where there are other people. And remember to never shake your baby.
You may find these articles useful:
My 11-Month Is Very Fussy, Is it Normal?
When Does the Baby Clingy Stage End?
Shaken Baby Syndrome: Facts and Controversies
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“What would you recommend for consequences at home for bad behavior at school? He’s 12 and has been yelling, swearing, and refusing to follow rules, but our talks with him don’t seem to be doing anything”
I understand your despair. It is really frustrating when nothing you do works to change your child’s behaviour. I would first talk with his teachers to get a full picture of what is going on at school: is the bad behaviour happening across all lessons with all teachers? Is he behaving this way every day or on certain days? How is his general mood? Does he have friends? Are his grades slipping? Try to get full picture of his life at school and not only of the moments when he behaves badly. It is very important that you work as a team with the school.
Have a chat with him, not about his behaviour specifically, but about his life: How is he doing generally? Does he have friends? Does he feel well integrated at school? Is he happy at home? Does he have any worries?
Change the dynamic: It may be that you have fallen into a very negative cycle. He is behaving badly, nothing you tell him works, you are angry, he is angry, and you are not spending time together or enjoying being together. You need to change the dynamic: give him the chance to start over every single day. Every day is a new day for him to do well. And remember to praise him. Very often, we ignore when our children behave well, and we only focus on their bad behaviours. Whenever he does well, praise him.
Now let’s tackle his behaviours. From what you say there are a few things he needs to change: yelling, swearing, and not following the rules. So, instead of saying “you need to behave well”, let’s break it down to make it more manageable for him: 1) you cannot yell 2) you cannot swear, and 3) you must follow the rules. And then you tie each behaviour to a reward. I don’t know what your child likes but it could be something like: “You will have screen time every day you do not shout at school”; or “Every day that you don’t swear, we will make pancakes for breakfast” and so on. Then ask the teacher to send you a short report on those three behaviours every day.
You may find these articles useful:
I Need Psychologist- Approved Ways to Discipline a Child Without Physical Harm
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
I wish you both all the best of luck. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss it further.
Love,
Ana
“Is it a sign of toilet training issues for my (girl) toddler suddenly refusing to sit on potty? She’s had multiple daily accidents for the last 3 weeks because of it but had no issues before”
I would have liked to know your daughter’s age because it is tricky to answer your question without knowing.
I would first take her to the GP to check she does not have constipation, a bladder infection, or diabetes. Alternatively, consider if something has happened to her recently that may have created an emotional reaction to the potty? Has the refusal to sit on the potty happened as she has started nursery/school? Have you recently moved homes, gone through a divorce, or had a new baby?
It is also useful to remember that learning to use the potty is a skill and like with any other skill, learning is not linear, it usually has setbacks. It is not usual for children to experience potty training regressions. So, try to be patient and understanding. Give her gentle reminders about using the potty regularly. When she uses it, praise her and clearly show how pleased you are. Children like their parents to be pleased with them, so they are likely to repeat behaviours their parents like. Do not make a big fuss when she has accidents. Gently tell her that next time she must remember to use the potty. And you should remember that she is not doing it on purpose.
You will find these articles useful:
My 6-Year-Old Is Having a Lot of Accidents
What to Do with Potty Training Regression?
How Many Potty Training Accidents Are Normal?
I hope this helps! I wish you and your daughter all the very best.
Love,
Ana
This is the question researchers have been trying to understand for the last few decades. And it is not a simple one to answer. Is it genes or the environment? How much do genes influence us? What traits are influenced by genetics? How much does the environment influence us? In what ways? To what extent?
Born or Made?
The field of psychology appeared as a science in the early 20th century, with the view that we are what we learn. Ever since then, psychologists and the public assumed that the environment was the major influence shaping us. This is, that our parents, neighbourhood, extended family, school, and friends shape who we become. Of all these factors, parents were considered the most influential one. It seems pretty logic that the people who raise us, will have the largest input in shaping us, right? But if this premise was correct, siblings living in the same house, with the same parents, attending the same school, and sharing the same extended family should be very similar in their personality and outcomes. But if you have siblings or a couple of children, you will know that siblings are not alike. They do have similarities, but they are also very different in personality and in outcomes. This means that the assumption that our environment is the main influence in human development does not work.
So, if not the environment, what then? Genes. Psychologists turned to examine how genetics shape who we are. Researchers designed twin and adoption studies to tease apart the effect of nurture (environment) and nature (genes). Let me tell you how these two methods work because they are fascinating.
Twin and Adoption Studies
Twin studies work by comparing identical (or monozygotic) twins with fraternal (or dizygotic) twins across several variables: personality, intelligence, academic achievement, cognitive skills, social skills…. Why are twins interesting? Because identical twins share 100% of their genes whereas fraternal twins only share 50% of their genes. The premise of twin studies is that any difference between identical and fraternal twins must be down to genetics because twins have lived in (more or less) the same environment. What do twin studies find? They generally find that identical twins are more like each other than fraternal twins are. This suggests that genes matter more than the environment.
Interestingly, this happens even in cases where identical twins have been raised apart. As you can imagine finding twins that have been raised apart is not that common, but around a couple hundred pairs have been examined. What do these studies find? That twins that have never lived together are more similar to each other than they are to the siblings they have lived with, whether they are biologically related to them or not. This suggests that genes and not the environment that drive the similarities.
Adoption studies work by comparing whether adopted children are more similar across the same variables: personality, intelligence, academic achievement, cognitive skills, social skills…to their adoptive parents (with whom they share the environment) than to their biological parents (with whom they have never shared the environment but share 50% of their genes). What do adoption studies find? They suggest that adopted children tend to be more like their biological parents than to their adoptive parents. This shows that the environment is not as relevant as we think it is.
Should We Conclude that It Is All About the Genes?
No. Both genes and the environment shape us to become who we are. The latest psychological research suggests that all psychological traits are heritable to different degrees. For example, it is estimated that intelligence is around a 50% heritable, autism 70%, and reading disability 60%.
It is very important to understand how genes work. Genes are not set in stone. They do not provide the final word. Instead, they work in probabilistic ways. We may carry certain genes, but it does not mean that they will all express themselves. It takes a certain environment for them to be expressed. This is why although identical twins have the exact same genes, they are not completely identical in their personalities or outcomes. And they are not identical because their genes are expressed in different ways depending on their experiences, environments… Genetics are not everything, but they explain a great deal of why and how we differ.
Our environment is not something that just happens to be there. To a large degree, we build our environment based on our genetic predispositions. For example, if you have a very sporty or musical kid, he will pester you to take him to sports or musical activities. Or if you have a very introverted child, he may ask you not to attend birthday parties. We shape our environment largely based on our genetic predispositions.
Does This Mean that Parents Do Not Matter?
No. Parents matter and they matter a lot, but not in the way we usually think. Parents matter because we create the environment where our children develop. And they matter because parenting should be about creating a strong, loving relationship with our child. After all, the parent-child relationship is one of the most important we will ever have.
The reality is that as parents, we have much less control that we like to think we do. As Dr Russel Barkley says in his great talk, we can relax and enjoy our kids. We cannot shape our kids to be what we want them to be. No matter how hard we try. We are not carpenters that can shape our children to become whatever we want them to become. Instead, we can be gardeners and provide them with fertile soil for them to grow and develop into whatever they will become.
Children will reach their full genetic potential provided they are well nourished, loved and well taken care off. Children need stimulation, but the idea that the more we stimulate them, the more intelligent and able they will become is wrong. There is a threshold. So, we can stop signing babies up to early stimulation programs and playing them opera while we are pregnant, hoping they will become geniuses. Those sorts of things do not work. Stimulate your child, of course, but knowing what he can and cannot do at each developmental stage and knowing that you will not make him become Steve Jobs 2.0. As parents, we do not have the power to do it.
There is a lot of talk about parenting styles. There is some merit to it, and it is fantastic that we are conscious about the type of parent we want to be, and moreover, the type of relationship we want to have with our children but we must keep in mind that most of the time, we are just responding to our children. This is, children are born with a temperament which is mostly down to genetics. Some children are very difficult (fussy, irritable, cry a lot) while others are easy (smiley, tranquil, sleep well, feed well). It is obviously much easier to be the parent of an easy child than of difficult child. The way we parent those two children will be different, and not because we are consciously choosing to do so but because we are reacting to their genetics.
Should We Ditch Parenting Advice?
I do not think so. We should most definitely ditch any ‘experts’ promising that if you do this or that, your child’s IQ will increase 20 points, will become a mathematical genius, or a sports prodigy. Any expert that promises to deliver developmental outcomes, you can happily ignore. But parenting advice is useful to help us manage tricky issues like challenging behaviours, discipline, or sleep.
Final words…
A large part about who we become is down to genetics. This does not mean that there is nothing we can do to support our children. Genetics and the environment interact with one another, so the best thing we can do for our children is to create a safe, loving environment with clear boundaries. And always remember that parenting is not a means to an end. It is about having a good relationship with our child. Our goal should be to be with them and not to change them. Isn’t that a liberating message?
If you find this topic interesting, you may also enjoy these articles:
The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
References
Plomin, R. (2018). Blueprint. How DNA Makes Us Who We Are. United Kingdom: Allen Lane.
Segal, N. (2021). Deliberately Divided. Inside the Controversial Study of Twins and Triplets Adopted Apart. Un
“Help please with separation anxiety. Baby only wants mom but she works all day, I’m a disabled stay-at-home dad, and I feel like my baby hates me and wants nothing to do with me.”
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can assure you that your baby does not hate you.
Your baby is showing parental preference. You need to bear in mind that parental preference is fluid. If you are not the preferred parent at this moment, it does not mean it will stay like this. This is a phase that will pass. It is not a sign of how much he loves you.
Parental preference is not something we completely understand from a developmental perspective.
Whenever your child cries for mum, just say something like: “I know you want mum but right now she cannot play with you. I am here to play with you when you are ready”. By doing this, you are holding a boundary, which is crucial for children’s development.
No matter how much your child prefers the other parent, stay involved and do not back off. You may feel like disappearing but doing that may undermine your relationship. Try to notice if resentment is growing so it does not damage your relationship with your baby. Do not make the mistake of becoming more permissive or to give in to all your child’s wishes to make him like you more.
It is important that your partner does not swoop in and take over from you, because by doing that she will be validating your baby’s insistence.
At the same time your baby seems to have developed separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is children’s fear of being away from their caregivers. It starts when your child understands that he is a separate person from their parent, but he still does not understand that the parent still exists even when he cannot see them (this is called object permanence). You child gets anxious because he does not understand that your wife will come back. As a result, your child may cry, scream or cling to her when being separated from her. Separation anxiety is a normal part of children’s development. Separation anxiety usually starts around 6-7 months and reaches its peak at 14-18 months. Separation anxiety tends to decline when children reach preschool or school age. Some children may experience separation anxiety a bit longer than others, because every child develops at a different pace. If your child still experiences separation anxiety after the age of 3 or during the preschool years, it is worth discussing it with his doctor. Especially, if it interferes with his ability to go or stay at school. Also talk to his doctor if you think that his anxiety is too extreme.
I hope this information is helpful. Remember that it is very imporant to take care of yourself. Being a stay-at-home dad can be very isolating. If you want to discuss any other issues, do get in touch with me.
These articles may be useful:
How to Handle Separation Anxiety in a 2 Year-Old?
When Does the Clingy Stage End?
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
I wish you all the very best,
Love,
Ana
“My 17-year-old has been drinking alcohol more and more and I’m worried it’s becoming a dependancy. At what stage should I look into addiction intervention for teenagers? She doesn’t live with me and lives with her friends after they dropped out of school, and they enable this behaviour.”
It is often the case that as parents of teenagers, we feel helpless when we see they are taking a wrong path. You mention that your daughter does not live with you, so I am not sure how your relationship is.
If you get on well, chat with her to find out her views about alcohol. It is not about lecturing her but about asking her opinions about alcohol, learn how much and when she drinks, and her friends’ attitude towards alcohol. If you two are not close, perhaps there is another trusted adult in her life that can check on her and gently raise the issue.
It may also be a good idea for you to talk to her teachers to check if they are noticing any change in her behaviour or her grades. The school counsellor could also be a good person to talk to.
Try to stay in your daughter’s life. Remember that teenagers who have a warm and open relationship with their caregivers are less likely to engage in risky behaviours, such as drinking alcohol. At the same time, our children learn more from what we do than from what we say, so be a good role model for her regarding this issue.
The context we live in also influences our behaviour, so if your daughter’s flatmates are drinking heavily, it is more likely that she will drink. Changing her living arrangements could also be a good idea.
Addressing alcohol-related issues is complex because there are many different factors that underpin it. We have a wonderful therapist specialized in alcohol addiction that I could put you in touch with if you are interested.
You may find these articles useful:
How Can I Recognize Alcohol Misuse in Teenagers?
How Can I Support my Daughter through Challenging Teen Years?
Executive Functions: Discover Everything You Need to Know
I wish you and your baby all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“My 11-month-old is very fussy and clingy, is this normal?”
Babies are born with their own temperament. Some are very easy, others are very fussy, and others are somewhere in between. Provided your baby is not in pain, hungry or has a wet nappy, it can be absolutely normal for an 11-month-old to be very fussy. However, if you are worried, talk to your doctor to discard any underlying health conditions.
In terms of him being clingy, this is also normal. It is not bad for children to be clingy (although I very well know that it is utterly exhausting). It is fact, a good sign that your child is clingy because that means that he has established a strong bond with you, which is fantastic for his development.
When will this stage finish? When he is ready to let go. There is nothing wrong with him being clingy. Some children need time alone while others want to be close to their mum or dad all the time. The key to remember is that all children go through development at a different pace. I can assure you that at some point he will let go of you and because you two have established a strong bond, he will feel secure to go out and explore the world, knowing that you will be there for him when he needs you.
I know that having a fussy and clingy baby is exhausting and can be incredibly frustrating. Let me know if you want to have a 1-2-1 session to discuss strategies that may help you going through this stage.
You may find these articles helpful:
When Does the Baby Clingy State End?
Can You Discipline a 1-Year-Old?
I wish you and your baby all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Why is my 4 year old so mean? He used to be so sweet, but my friend’s 4 year old acting out as well seemed to bring this on, because after a playdate it’s like he just decided to be mean as hell.”
You need to change the way you are thinking about your son. He is not mean, instead he is acting in a mean way. He is having trouble regulating his emotions, which is something very common for children at that age. At this age, children don’t have the ability to decide to be mean. He is not acting mean on purpose.
I encourage you to take a coach approach: Our goal as parents is to help our children to learn from their mistakes so they can do better next time. For example, if when your child hits someone, you only say “You can’t hit, that is wrong!”, you are not teaching him how he should behave. Maybe hitting is the only tool he has. Instead, give him a more effective tool. “Hitting is wrong because you hurt the other person. I see that you are angry, what could you do next time you are in the same situation? Perhaps you could tell your friend that he made you angry?”.
Praise him: as parents very often, we ignore good behaviour, and we only focus on negative behaviour. Children love for their parents to be happy with them, so the more you let them know that you like what they are doing, the more likely they are to repeat it. When you praise them, be specific. Rather than saying: “You are such a good boy”, say “Look how well you are sharing with your sister, well done!”. This way they know exactly what they are doing right and are more likely to repeat it.
And finally, and very important: model good behaviour. It seems that your son may be copying what his friend is doing. Instead, you need to be a good model and always behave in a kind and gentle manner. Children always learn more from what we do than from what we say.
Also, consider that it could also be that your child is really tired after his playdates and that could be affecting his behaviour.
I hope this information helps. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss it further.
You may find these articles useful:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
Tips to Deal with a Defiant Child?
Why Is my 3-Year-Old So Aggressive?
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How can I help my 16 year old son with anxiety?”
It is important that you understand your son’s anxiety. It is absolutely normal for him to feel anxious when he faces challenging situations, like an exam or meeting new people. In those cases, anxiety is an adaptive emotion because it fits the situation he is facing. Anxiety becomes a problem (and ultimately a disorder) if he feels anxious for six months or more or if his anxiety is so intense that it disrupts his daily functioning. If this is the case, it may be a good idea for him to see a psychologist specialized in anxiety in teenagers.
Talk with him about his anxiety: Ask him how it feels like in his mind and his body and discuss what makes feel him anxious (an exam, speaking in public, meeting new people…). Next, help him to recognize when he is anxious (e.g., his hands feel clammy, his heart races, his breathing becomes shallow…). The next step is to come up together with relaxing techniques that he can use whenever he recognizes those anxiety signs. These techniques can be: breathing deeply 10 times, counting to 10, visualizing a place or a person that makes him happy, or splash very cold water on his face or wrists. The idea is that whenever he feels the anxiety coming, he will use one of these tools. He should use the one that works best for him. As you can tell, the goal is not to eliminate anxiety but to help him manage it.
Very often when teenagers get anxious, they avoid the situations that make them anxious. So, for example, they avoid going to a birthday party or sitting an exam. At the beginning, this is a great short-term solution, but long-term avoidance makes anxiety worse because never confronting the situation makes it even more scary. If this is the case of your son, help him to take baby-steps to confront the situation he feels anxious about. The message you should give him is that every time he confronts the situation that makes him anxious, the anxiety will get milder and milder.
Finally, it is important that you validate your son’s anxiety, and you make him feel safe and heard but do not amplify it. Your message should be: “I know you are anxious and that is OK and I am here to help you get through this”.
Have a look at these articles as well:
What Are Your Thoughts on Medication for Teens?
How to Help a Child with Anxiety
How to Face the Exam Season: When Anxiety Runs High
I hope this information helps. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss it further.
I wish you and your son all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Please can you tell me, is ADHD a behavioural disorder, in actuality? I want to know if my daughter is using it as an excuse for her son’s bad behaviour when they come round to ours.”
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder. Children who experience it have difficulties paying attention, and/or controlling their impulses and regulating their behaviour. It is a real disorder, not an excuse for bad behaviour. Children with ADHD want to behave well but they can’t. They do it the best they can.
I encourage you to support your daughter. Being the parent of a children with ADHD can be very demanding, especially if your grandson is presenting challenging behaviour often. It is not surprising that parents of neurodivergent children are more likely to experience mental health issues and to leave their jobs. After all, these parents have all the worries that all parents have, but at the same time they have to navigate diagnosis, treatments, medication, and doctor visits, while feeling judged and very often blamed for their children’s behaviour.
You can make a big difference in your daughter’s life by supporting her and her son. Do not blame her for your grandson’s behaviour because parents do not cause their children’s ADHD. ADHD is real. It is not an excuse for bad behaviour.
I hope this information helps. If you want to discuss this issue further in a 1-2-1 session, please get in touch with me.
Here are some articles you may find useful:
How to Support a 12-Year-Old with Autism and ADHD
Executive Functions: Everything You Need to Know
I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How do I encourage healthy brain development in the first year?”
Here are a few tips:
- Be responsive to your baby: when he makes sounds, repeat them to him while looking at him and add a few new words.
- Talk, sing, and read to him
- Let him play: Play is children’s job. Through play children develop their cognitive and emotional skills. And do not be afraid to let him play alone. Unstructured play is really good for children.
- Take him outdoors: more and more we know that spending time in nature is good for children’s development and for us, as well!
- Feed him a healthy diet: once he starts eating solids, encourage him to try new tastes. Give him a varied diet and avoid processed foods.
- Sleep is key for a healthy development. The guidelines state that infants 4-12 months of age, should get between 12-16 hours of sleep per 24 hours (including naps). However, some kids sleep more than others, if your baby seems happy and relaxed during the day, he is probably getting enough sleep.
- Touch him: physical touch (hugs, kisses, cuddles) is a must for our children.
- Keep him active. Do not keep him in swings, strollers, bouncer seats, or slings for too long. Babies need to practice their motor skills and they cannot do it when their movements are restricted.
- Screens: this is always a big worry for parents. The American Academy of Paediatrics (AAP) advises that children should not have any screen time before the age of 2, other than video chatting with family and friends. It is also important to remember that children always learn better and more from a human being than from a screen.
- Last but not least: take care of yourself. Your child needs you to be ok for him to be ok. It is really important that you don’t burn yourself out and remember that the perfect parent does not exist. You don’t need to be perfect.
Having said this, don’t go ‘crazy’ thinking that you need to do too many things to boost your child’s brain. Children will reach their full potential, provided they are well taken care of. The idea that the more you stimulate your child, the better is not correct. Children need enough stimulation for their brain to develop, but there is a threshold. It is wrong to think that if a little bit of stimulation is good, a ton of it must be better. I am saying this to remind you to relax and enjoy your baby!
You may find these articles useful:
Understanding Brain Development in Children
Can You Discipline a 1-Year-Old?
The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?
Also, these masterclasses may come in handy:
Educational Apps for Children: Are They Really Educational?
Sleep Hygiene Tips for Children and Teenagers
I hope this helps. I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
