You may have heard about magpie parenting. In this article we tell you what it is and we give you the latest research and advice in case you are thinking of adopting this living arrangement.
What Is Magpie Parenting?
Magpie parenting (also known as bird nest parenting or bird-nesting) is a living arrangement where after a divorce or separation, the kids stay in the family home, while the parents rotate in and out of the property, taking it in turns to take care of the children.
The goal of magpie parenting is to provide children with stability during a time of massive transition. The children do not go between two homes, instead it is the parents who move between homes. The ex-couple have another house where they stay when they are not in the family home. Or they each have their own place. For some families, this is a temporary measure, whereas others may nest for years.
In the same way that birds fly in and out of the nest to take care of their little chicks, parents go in and out of the family home to take care of the children. It is a child-centred approach to co-parenting.
Magpie parenting has been quite common in Sweden since the 1970s. It has been around for a while in the U.S. (1) and it is becoming increasingly popular in Europe, mostly amongst middle class families. In 2016, Co-op’s Legal Services (2) found that 11% of separated and divorced adults in the UK had tried magpie parenting. In the UK, it became better known when Anna Whitehouse, aka Mother Pukka, made public in 2023 that they were birdnesting following their divorce. However, it is difficult to know the number of families living under this arrangement as census or residence surveys do not specifically ask about this type of living arrangement.
One possible reason for the rise in nesting agreements is the current economic climate. Birdnesting can be cheaper that having two family homes. Most couples keep the family home for the children to live in and either rent a flat together or stay with friends or family during their ‘off-duty weeks’. This option also avoids the immediate need after the divorce to sell the family home or to buy out the other parent.
Benefits of Magpie Parenting
- It provides children with stability. They sleep in the same bed and in the same bedroom every single night. There is no need for them to change schools, friends, nor do they change their everyday routing.
- Both parents remain very much involved in their children’s lives.
- It may benefit particularly children with special education needs and disabilities (SEND), who may struggle to live between two homes. Birdnesting allows SEND children to remain in a familiar place, with the equipment they need and their familiar routine. Parents do not have to duplicate medical or mobility equipment.
Problems of Magpie Parenting
- It requires a great deal of planning, organizing, cooperation, and creativity.
- It may not be the right option if there is a lot of conflict between the parents. The couple remains bound by logistics and finances. This means more chances for conflict to appear. You may end up arguing about whose turn was to buy milk or take the bins out.
- There need to be very clear and spelled-out agreements and clear boundaries.
- It can make it harder to move on. Think that you will still be sharing one or two houses. You need to decide whether you will be sleeping in the same bedroom or whether you will have different bedrooms. Your ex’s things will still be there. You will have less privacy and a time when you need to move on and distance yourself from your ex-partner.
- It may confuse children. As the parents are not completely independent from each other, children may hold onto dreams of their parents getting back together.
- It can become really complicated when a parent (or both) starts a new relationship.
- It may make sense short-term but long-term tends to get complicated.
Experts Are Divided on Its Impact on Children
Understanding the effects of birdnesting on children is difficult because it is a relatively new trend and therefore, we do not have comparative data. Some experts argue that it is better for children because it allows them to keep the same routine and to adapt to the divorce more slowly. On the other hand, others argue that it does not help children process the reality of the divorce. It has even been argued that magpie parenting is all about sheltering the children from the reality of divorce and that it does not help children to process their new family reality.
Although there is not much research examining magpie parenting, research comparing children living in joint physical custody arrangements (also known as shared custody) versus children living in sole joint custody arrangements may help us understand it better. In general, research shows that children benefit from having contact with both parents, therefore shared custody arrangements tend to be more beneficial for children. Shared physical custody is linked with children’s better psychological, physical, and socioemotional wellbeing as well as closer relationships with fathers (Nielsen, 2014).
But notice, that I say, ‘tend to’ and not ‘always’. A lot of how well children cope with divorce is down to the level of conflict (3) between the parents and whether they can co-parent effectively. When parents manage to have a good or at least an OK relationship, children benefit from going between one and the other. However, when the level of conflict between parents is high, it may be better for children’s mental health to live under a sole physical custody arrangement.
So, it seems that what matters for children is not so much whether their parents are nesting or whether the children themselves live between two homes, what matters is the quality of co-parenting (4).
Why Is Co-Parenting Important?
Co-parenting is not the same as the quality of the parents’ relationship. It is broader because it involves the children. Co-parenting refers to the relationship between parents that goes beyond the romantic relationship. Parents who co-parent successfully are those who cooperate, support each other, confide and trust in each other, and who experience low conflict levels related to their children.
Research shows that co-parenting quality (5) is a key factor determining mental health in children. Co-parenting is key to maintaining family well-being and high-quality relationships between family members. Regardless of whether the parents are together or divorced, children whose parents work well together to raise them, tend to be better off during early childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
If you are in a divorce process and would like support to develop good co-parenting skills, get in touch with me. Our therapists are here to support you and your family in this process. We will have a therapist ready to work with you within 24 hours.
You can read more on divorce here.
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Meyer, D. R., Carlson, M. J., & Ul Alam, M. M. (2022). Increases in shared custody after divorce in the United States. Demographic Research, 46, 1137-1162.
(3) Augustijn, L. (2021). The relation between joint physical custody, interparental conflict, and children’s mental health. Journal of Family Research, 33(3), 613-636.
(4) Bergström, M., Salari, R., Hjern, A., Hognäs, R., Bergqvist, K., & Fransson, E. (2021). Importance of living arrangements and coparenting quality for young children’s mental health after parental divorce: A cross-sectional parental survey. BMJ Paediatrics Open, 5(1).
(5) Eira Nunes, C., De Roten, Y., El Ghaziri, N., Favez, N., & Darwiche, J. (2021). Co‐parenting programs: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Family Relations, 70(3), 759-776.
A very common question that parents ask is how bad divorce really is for their kids and whether it would be better to stay together for their sake. Let’s explain what the research says on this topic so that you feel more confident if faced with this situation.
How Bad Is Divorce for Children?
In general, research finds that children of divorced parents are more likely to experience short- and long-term problems than children who don’t experience divorce. Some of these problems include depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and poor social relationships. Children of divorce are also more likely to experience a decline in their academic achievement and are at higher risk of dropping out of school, engaging in delinquent behaviours, using drugs, and ending up getting divorced themselves.
However, if you are divorced or are about to get divorced, please do not freak out! Yes, children of divorce are more likely to experience some of these issues, but the reality is that the differences between children of divorce and children whose parents are together are very small. It is estimated that only around 10% of adults with divorced parents are negatively affected by the divorce. Most children of divorce do not suffer significant issues.
Why Do Some Children Cope Better with Divorce than Others?
There are a variety of factors, such as children’s personality, age, the family situation prior to the divorce, and how the divorce is handled that influence how children cope with divorce.
If we consider personality, some children may experience negative effects for a short period of time, for others those negative effects may last longer, whereas other children are more resilient and do not struggle much.
Children’s age also matters when considering the effects of divorce. Younger children may not grasp what is happening. Some of them may experience separation anxiety when going between one parent and the other. Others may show regressive behaviours and go back to wetting the bed, throwing tantrums, or sucking their thumbs. Tweens and teens are more likely to understand what is happening but may have difficulties regulating the strong emotions that the news of the divorce and adjusting to a new routine will likely bring.
The level of conflict within the family prior to the divorce is a factor that seems to be highly influential in determining how children will be affected by divorce. For children living in high-conflict families, divorce may not be negative but it may even be positive. For these children, divorce may come as a relief. In contrast, divorce for children living in low-conflict families tends to be more negative because children may perceive that they have lost the benefits of a stable family structure.
The factor that seems to be more important in determining how children cope with divorce is how parents manage the divorce process.
The Way Parents Manage the Divorce Is More Important than the Actual Divorce
For many years it was believed that divorce itself had a very negative effect on children, but more developed and nuanced research methods show that the biggest impact on children is not the divorce itself but how it is handled.
Indeed, the children that usually do better when their parents divorce, are those whose parents do not have a conflictual relationship.
So, if you are divorced or in the process of being divorced, rest assured: The experience of divorce doesn’t automatically mean that children will struggle. What makes the biggest difference is how you handle the divorce. This leads us to the very important question of what parents can do to support their children to cope with divorce.
How Do I Support my Child Through Our Divorce?
1. Start by having a conversation with your child explaining that you are getting a divorce, the reasons why (in an age-appropriate way), and what will happen next. Ideally both parents should be present in this conversation. Children are concrete thinkers, so try to explain the future living arrangements in detail, doing so will give them some sense of security. Always allow your child to ask questions and make it clear that the divorce is not the child’s fault, that both of you love them and will always love them. Reiterate that you are still a family even ift from now on, life will be different.
2. Try to keep the routine as stable as possible. Children need to feel safe and secure to be able to thrive. This is most likely to happen if they don’t have to worry about who is picking them up at school or where they are spending the night.
3. Be consistent with your limits and boundaries. Sometimes when our children are going through a rough patch, we overcompensate by being too permissive or too lenient. Always remember that children need clear limits and boundaries. Research clearly shows that children do better if both parents communicate and cooperate with one another. Keep a united front. You are not together but you should try to remain a team for your child. Your child is likely to do better if both parents stick to the same rules and routines.
4. Children do better when they keep regular contact with both parents. Indeed, research shows that children in joint physical or legal custody tend to do better than children in sole-custody settings. Children who lose contact with one parent are more likely to experience depression, low self-esteem, anger, and distress. However, in cases where one parent is abusive, neglectful, suffers from serious mental health or adjustment difficulties, limited contact may be recommended.
5. Be respectful towards your ex-partner. Refer to them in a nice way and try to appreciate their good points. This may sound difficult (especially at the beginning) but consider it from your child’s point of view: They see themselves as being a part of each one of you, so if you are constantly trashing their other parent, think how this will make them feel about themselves.
6. It is very likely that during the divorce process, your stress levels will rise, and the quality of your parenting will decline. When faced with this situation, parents tend to either become harsher with their children or they may become more permissive. Try to be mindful of how you are coping and how this may be influencing your children. The better you cope, the better your children are likely to cope. Be mindful also if you are engaging in negative coping mechanisms, such as drinking too much. Seek professional advice if you struggle and lean on your support system.
7. Finally, consider that it is impossible to shield your child from the pain that divorce will bring. The important thing is to show them that you are there for them in this process. That you walk the walk with them. Be there for them, listen to them, and make them feel heard.
Give Me the Final Message!
As it often happens in psychology, the question of whether divorce is good or bad is not a simple one. Yes, all children would prefer that their parents stay together but the reality is that divorce is part of human relationships. Research tells us that rather than focusing on whether divorce itself is good or bad, we need to focus on how we handle the divorce process so we make it as conflict-free as possible so that our children struggle as little as possible. Although some children may do worse after a divorce, this decline tends to be small and short-lived. In contrast, for children living in very conflictive families, divorce may even be beneficial. Remember that it’s not the family structure that matters, what matters is how the family members get on. The aim is that however your family looks like, your child feels safe and loved in a stable environment.
I hope you have find this article useful. As always, please get in touch with us if you have any comments or questions. It is always great hearing from you!
Much love,
Ana
Photo credit: cdc via Unsplash
They say that divorce, alongside bereavement and moving, are the three most stressful events a person can go through. Given that we don’t leave our personal life at the office door, divorce is most likely to impact the work of any employee. Indeed, findings of a 2023 survey of more than 200 employees who had gone through divorce or separation, commissioned by the Positive Parenting Alliance, showed:
- 90% said their separation or divorce had negatively affected their ability to work
- 75% admitted they were less efficient at work
- 50% feared they may lose their jobs because of the effect of their divorce
- 95% felt their mental health was negatively impacted
- 39% had to take either sick leave or unpaid leave
- 12% stopped working altogether
- Only 9% reported their employers had policies or support in place to help them through their divorce
These findings clearly show that employers should seriously consider including divorce and separation in their HR policies. Given that most of those who divorce are of working age, it makes sense for employers to understand the needs of employees going through divorce and the potential risk areas.
What Are the Measures You Can Take as an Employer?
- Include separation and divorce as a ‘life event’ in your HR policy. By doing this, your employees will understand the support you are offering and you ensure that all employees are treated equally when facing the same situation instead of leaving the decision about how to support them to the discretion of individual line managers.
- Offer flexible working. Even though employees don’t have the legal right to take time off work to deal with a family break up, it is in the best interest of both parties to be flexible where possible. Allowing employees to work from home, change their working hours to fit around childcare or solicitors’ appointments, or even take a sabbatical, can be mutually beneficial. It is important not to make assumptions and let the employee take the lead. Whereas some people may choose to take a leave of absence while they deal with their divorce, others may find a haven in the office and see work as a welcomed distraction.
- Provide access to mental health and legal support. By doing this, you will show your employees you care, and it will help retention rates, reduce absenteeism, and sustain productivity levels. Mental health support is particularly relevant as there is strong evidence to show that divorce has negative effects on mental health, although they fortunately tend to be temporary.
- Offer financial support. The average cost of a divorce in the UK in 2021 was £14,651. In addition, divorce is associated with a substantial decline in economic resources for mothers and children. Consider what you can do to help ease this financial pressure. Could you provide an interest-free loan or suspend repayments on any existing loan? Could you bring forward a pay raise or bonus? Could you improve your pension contributions to help rebuild a pension that will be divided in the divorce proceedings?
- Offer practical support. You could set up an internal network for people in the same situation and bring in relevant experts, such a child psychologist, a counsellor, or a family lawyer.
- Provide information promptly. Your employee may need you to provide financial information about themselves. If this is the case, be as prompt and as helpful as you can, to avoid unnecessary delays in the divorce proceedings.
- Consider reasonable adjustments. If the employee is experiencing mental health difficulties, consider whether they may have a disability. It may be a good idea that the employee seeks advice from their health practitioner.
- Above all, be compassionate, show patience and be proactive in offering your support. This situation will not last forever, your employee will get to a ‘new normal’ and is likely to never forget that the company supported them through this difficult period.
These are just some measures you can consider to support your employees. We understand that there is a limit to how far employers’ responsibilities go, and that the support employers can give depends on the size of the workforce and the available resources. However, consider that even talking small steps will show your employees you care and may help you to retain those valued individuals within your organization.
Be proactive and don’t sit around hoping for the best. Offering support is a wise business decision even if you are not legally obliged to help. Firms such as Asda, Tesco, Unilever, PwC and Metro Bank are reviewing their workplace policies. What are you waiting for? Get in touch with us to see how we can support your company!
Regards,
Ana
