If you are in social media and follow ‘mumfluencers’ or any parenting accounts, for sure you must have heard of gentle parenting. You may swear by it, you may hate it, or you may not be sure about what it really means.  

Whatever your feelings towards this popular parenting style, do you really know what the research says about it?  

We explain everything you need to know about gentle parenting.  

Who Came Up with Gentle Parenting? 

British author Sarah Ockwell-Smith introduced the term ‘gentle parenting’ in 2015. Since then, gentle parenting took a life of its own on social media and You Tube, fuelled by ‘parenting experts’ and ‘mumfluencers’.  

At the time of writing this article, a Google search on ‘gentle parenting’ generates 1.68 million hits and around 850,000 hits in Instagram.  

Do you know how many scientific articles are there on gentle parenting? One. Just one.  

So, I wonder… All this advice that parents are getting is based on… what evidence exactly?  

From a theoretical point of view, it is not clear what parents understand by ‘gentle parenting’ and moreover, it is not clear if it is really a distinct parenting style. Furthermore, there are no studies, and I mean no studies, that have examined whether gentle parenting is good or bad for children.  

What Does Gentle Parenting Mean? 

Gentle parenting does not really have an official doctrine. Ockwell-Smith defines it as a ‘mindset’ and a ‘way of being’ with an ‘emphasis on your child’s feelings’. 

These are considered its four main tenets: 

1. Empathy: Parents should always acknowledge their children’s feelings.  

2. Respect: Children deserve the same respect as adults.  

3. Understanding: Parents’ expectations of their children should be in line with their children’s developmental stage. 

4. Boundaries: Parents should establish boundaries to foster a stable, healthy, and loving environment for their children.  

In terms of discipline, a gentle parent never uses rewards and punishments. Instead, they validate their children’s feelings. They always try to understand their child’s motivations when they misbehave.   

You may be thinking: “What’s not to like about this? I agree with those four points”. As a principle, I agree too. But parenting is not that easy. Let me explain my reservations about gentle parenting.  

There Is No Scientific Research on Gentle Parenting  

I cannot emphasize enough that there is no scientific research examining gentle parenting. Researchers have not examined how children raised by gentle parenting do in comparison with children who are not raised by gentle parents.  

At the time of writing this article (November 2024) there is only one study examining gentle parenting. This study ⁽¹⁾ examined 100 parents in the US with at least one child aged between 2 and 7 years old. Almost half of them (N = 49), identified themselves as gentle parents. They reported high levels of parenting satisfaction and felt competent to raise their children. However, some of them were very critical of themselves and did not feel as competent. One third of those who identified as gentle parents, reported high levels of parenting uncertainty and burnout.  

What does this study tell us? That whereas some parents are doing OK following the gentle parenting guidelines (although it is not clear what this means), other parents may be finding gentle parenting too demanding.  

In sum, we cannot really conclude if gentle parenting is good or bad for children because no studies have examined it. And we cannot really conclude if gentle parenting is good or bad for parents because we only have one study examining it. There is simply no data.  

Most parenting styles (e.g., gentle parenting, lighthouse parenting, dolphin parenting, tiger parenting…) are not based on scientific evidence. They are created by influencers, social media, and the press.  

In contrast, there is plenty of research on the four traditional parenting styles: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. There is also decent research on helicopter parenting.  

I Have More Reservations on Gentle Parenting 

I find it incredibly judgemental.

Gentle parenting followers advocate that theirs is the only way to raise emotionally competent children. Really?  What about the millions of emotionally competent people who were not raised by ‘gentle parents?’.  Moreover, no one wants to be defined as ‘ungentle’, right? So, by default If I say that I am not a gentle parent, does this mean that I am so kind of unsensitive, harsh mother?  

It Is a Form of Intensive Parenting.

We do not generally consider gentle parenting as a form of intensive parenting but from my perspective, we should. Why? Because it considers that parents have a lot of influence on how children turn out to be, it is very much child-centred, and it ignores parents’ needs (more on this later). 

Advocates of gentle parenting argue that when our child is misbehaving, throwing a tantrum or needs us, we must always be there for them. This sounds fantastic in an ideal world, but I don’t think is neither realistic nor a valuable lesson for our children. First, you are giving your child the idea that everything revolves around them. Not true. Second, when we drop everything whenever our children need us, we are not teaching them to wait or to self-regulate. Finally, intensive parenting is negative for parents’ mental health ⁽²⁾. 

Is Gentle Parenting Really Helpful?

Gentle parenting tells you how to react to your child’s behaviour. (e.g., “I understand you don’t want to put your shoes on, but we need to go to school. I know you are finding it hard.”). What if my child doesn’t change his behaviour at that time? If my child doesn’t choose to put his shoes on, what do I do then? Do I keep repeating the same line, over and over? Am I meant not to take him to school?  

It Seems that Parents Go from Gentle Parenting to Permissive Parenting.

Probably because it is difficult to discipline children following the gentle parenting advice, it seems that parents may end up not enforcing clear rules to their children.  

It Makes All Emotions Equally Important.

Gentle parenting dictates that we should always discuss and validate our children’s feelings. The issue is that when we validate every single feeling that our child is having, we are making them equally important. I am not saying that you should ignore your child’s emotions. I am totally up for discussing my kids’ emotions when they come back from school being upset or when they are lashing out at their sibling constantly.  What I am saying is that discussing for 15 minutes in the morning why your child does not want to put their shoes on, may be going too far. Sometimes, children need to do things because that is how life works.  

My Main Concern Has to Do with How Gentle Parenting Relates to Parents’ Own Wellbeing 

Given that there is no data on how gentle parenting relates to parents’ wellbeing, we can only rely on anecdotal evidence. Based on what parents are saying on social media and the press, it seems that gentle parenting sets unrealistic expectations for parents, especially for those who take it to the extreme.  

I totally agree with gentle parenting telling not to use any forms of physical discipline with their children. There is a lot of research showing that physical discipline is not beneficial for children. However, expecting parents never to lose their cool, never to yell in frustration when they have asked their children 33 times to brush their teeth is totally unrealistic. Moreover, research shows that occasional yelling is not linked with negative outcomes for children.  

Even more, modelling to our children that we should never lose our cool, that we never yell, that we are always composed, is giving them an unrealistic view of how people behave. Our role as parents is to teach our children how to deal with their own negative emotions and with the negative emotions of those around them. We fail to do that when we never show them that we also get it wrong, that we make mistakes, and that we sometimes lose our cool.  

If There Is No Scientific Evidence, Why Do Parents Adopt the Gentle Parenting Approach? 

It is not clear, but it has been speculated that gentle parenting is a reaction to the way many parents themselves were raised. Millennial parents were raised in a more authoritarian manner, and they are adopting gentle parenting as a reaction. Indeed, in a 2023 Pew Research Center report ⁽³⁾, 44% of parents said they wanted to raise their children differently to how they were raised. They wanted to be less punitive and more gentle.  

Gentle parenting may simply be a rejection of the parenting styles of previous generations. This is not new. Through generations, parents have gone from being told to treat their kids like adults (Watson in the 1920s), to move away from harsh parenting (Dr Spock in the 1940s) to the very intensive way we are raising our kids these days. The difference is that until recently, parenting advice always came from scholarship. New parenting styles, like gentle parenting and the others we have already mentioned, seem to come from the media.  

A Final Word 

In general, I don’t like labelling parenting styles. Other than the four traditional parenting styles, I don’t think they are useful.  

Ultimately, we must remember that parenting is not about ‘producing’ a child. Our focus when raising our children, should be to create a strong, solid relationship with them. That is the most important predictor for our children’s wellbeing. Any parenting style, such as gentle parenting, that completely ignores parents’ needs and focuses solely on the needs of the child, is doing parents and children a disservice.  

And please, try as hard as you can to ignore Instagram posts promoting gentle parenting. They are usually high on shame induction and low on nuance.  

I hope you find this article useful. If you have questions or comments, please do get in touch with me.

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References 

⁽¹⁾ Pezalla AE, Davidson AJ (2024) “Trying to remain calm. . .but I do reach my limit sometimes”: An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting. PLoS ONE 19(7): e0307492. https://doi.org/ 10.1371/journal.pone.0307492  

⁽²⁾ Rizzo, K.M., Schiffrin, H.H. & Liss, M. Insight into the Parenthood Paradox: Mental Health Outcomes of Intensive Mothering. J Child Fam Stud 22, 614–620 (2013). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9615-z 

⁽³⁾ Minkin R, Horowitz JM. Parenting in America Today. 

Psychologists Baumrind, Maccoby and Martin quoted the four main parenting styles based on the degree to which parents are responsive and set limits to their children.  

These four parenting styles⁽¹⁾ are: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Neglectful.  

Authoritative parenting is the gold standard of parenting. In contrast, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful parenting are not that good for children. 

In this article we are going to explore permissive parenting and how it relates to children’s development.  

What Is Permissive Parenting?

 Permissive parenting⁽²⁾ (also known as indulgent parenting) refers to those parents who are affectionate, warm, and responsive towards their children but do not demand much of them.  

Permissive parents want to be their children’s friends. They avoid conflict. They do not monitor their children, nor they provide guidance and structure.  

They are very responsive to their children’s needs, to the point that they are considered to be at their children’s beck and call.  

Their discipline style is inconsistent. One day they may punish their children for misbehaving at school, whereas another day the same behaviour may go unpunished.  

Children Raised by Parents Are More Likely to:

• Be impulsive.  

• Not have a good academic achievement.  

• Have lower levels of emotional competence.  

• Show higher rates of school misconduct. 

• Show delinquent behaviour during adolescence. 

• Show deviant peer relations during adolescence. 

• Show internalizing (e.g., anxiety) and externalizing behaviours (e.g., aggression). 

• However, not everything is negative for children of permissive parents. They tend to have good self-esteem and good social skills⁽³⁾. 

How to Know if You Are a Permissive Parent? 

You are permissive if you tend to: 

• Let your child figure things out by themselves. 

• Let your child do chores whenever they feel like it.  

• Not know where your child is or who they are out with. 

• Let your child decide when to go to bed, how much screen time to have, or eat snacks whenever they want.  

• Do whatever your child asks you to do. From driving them to places even if it is inconvenient for you to buying them whatever they ask for.   

• Give in so they stop crying or complaining.  

Why Do Children of Permissive Parents Struggle to Regulate Themselves? 

Permissive parents do not tend to set clear rules and expectations, nor do they discipline their children consistently. This means that children have fewer opportunities to practice their regulation skills⁽⁴⁾ because they rarely experience frustration, disappointment, or anger.   

As parents, it is normal that we want to protect our children from experiencing negative events. But we must remember that they need to have opportunities to experience frustration, stress, and failure so they can learn to deal with them.   

Why Is permissive Parenting Linked with Delinquent Behaviour? 

Permissive parents do not monitor their children well or not at all. Monitoring means to watch, supervise and be aware of our children’s activities. Children whose parents fail to monitor them are more likely to engage with the ‘wrong’ crowd and to engage in delinquent behaviour. Monitoring our children well is important, particularly during the teenage years⁽⁵⁾. 

The goal is to know what is going in your child’s life. If you are unsure about what monitoring your child means, think of it as: “Ask who, ask where, ask when.”  

Is It True that When Parents Are Stressed, They Become More Permissive?  

Parents’ stress⁽⁶⁾ influences their parenting. Stressed parents are more likely to become authoritarian or permissive. When you are juggling many balls, sometimes something has got to give. That may mean relaxing your parenting and becoming more permissive. For other parents, stress means that they have a shorter ‘leash’ and they become more authoritarian. 

Parents who can regulate their emotions when feeling stressed, are more likely to stay authoritative. In contrast, those parents who cannot regulate their emotions well, are more likely to become authoritarian or permissive when feeling stressed. 

This means that it is especially important for parents to be aware of their own emotional state and reflect on how it may be influencing their parenting, and their children.  

Does Permissive Parenting Work in Some Cultures? 

Extensive research shows that across cultures, the style that works best is authoritative. However, it is important to remember that there are cultural differences in parenting. There is some research suggesting that in Spain⁽⁷⁾, permissive parenting may be as good as authoritative parenting. However, it is not clear if these findings reflect real differences or if they are due to methodological differences in the research.  

I Am a Permissive Parent: How Can I Become More Authoritative? 

The good news for permissive parents is that you are already warm and caring, you just need to work on learning to set and keep rules and expectations. 

Here are four tips: 

• Create a set of rules: Think of the three rules that you consider most important. Explain them to your children and establish what the consequences are if they don’t follow them. 

• Set expectations: What are the values that you would like your children to have? Tell them what you expect of them and set expectations. 

• Let go of fear: Sometimes parents don’t want to set rules or high expectations because they are afraid that their children will stop loving them or that they won’t like them. Children need limits.

• Your child will never stop loving you because you set some limits and rules. They may not like you for a bit, but they will love you. We need to be our children’s parents as opposed to their friends. Our role is to guide our children and monitor them until they are ready to fly the nest.  

• Do not try to change everything at the same time: You do not need to set up a hundred strict rules overnight. Make realistic and attainable adjustments and keep going.  

• Seeking professional may be advisable. Our REC Parenting therapists are ready to support you in this journey. Get in touch here. It’s never too late to become the parent you want to be.  

What About Parents of Neurodivergent Kids? 

Unsurprisingly, parenting neurodiverse children is more stressful⁽⁸⁾ than parenting typically developing children. Parents of neurodivergent children are more likely to face extra challenges, such as financial pressure, difficult child behaviour, health problems, and unpredictable schedules (Neece & Chan, 2017). As a result, parents of neurodiverse children find it more difficult to be authoritative⁽⁹⁾. They are more likely to become permissive or authoritarian (Woolfson & Grant, 2006). 

What Is the Take-Home Message? 

Permissive parenting is not the best way to parent our children. Instead, try to be authoritative as much as you can. You are already a warm and caring parent. Focus on providing more guidance and structure to your child. At REC Parenting we are here to help with a wealth of resources and one-to-one support.   

Finally, remember that the perfect parent doesn’t exist! We need to try to get it right as often as we can. 

I hope you find this useful. If you have any queries or comments, get in touch with me or leave a comment below. We love hearing from you! 

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Kuppens, S., Ceulemans, E. Parenting Styles: A Closer Look at a Well-Known Concept. J Child Fam Stud 28, 168–181 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-018-1242-x 

⁽²⁾Wischerth, G. A., Mulvaney, M. K., Brackett, M. A., & Perkins, D. (2016). The Adverse Influence of Permissive Parenting on Personal Growth and the Mediating Role of Emotional Intelligence. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, 177(5), 185–189. https://doi.org/10.1080/00221325.2016.1224223 

⁽³⁾ Rose, J., Roman, N., Mwaba, K., & Ismail, K. (2018). The relationship between parenting and internalizing behaviours of children: A systematic review. Early Child Development and Care, 188(10), 1468-1486. https://doi.org/10.1080/03004430.2016.1269762 

⁽⁴⁾Wischerth, G. A., Mulvaney, M. K., Brackett, M. A., & Perkins, D. (2016). The Adverse Influence of Permissive Parenting on Personal Growth and the Mediating Role of Emotional Intelligence. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, 177(5), 185–189. https://doi.org/10.1080/00221325.2016.1224223 

⁽⁵⁾Hinnant, J.B., Erath, S.A., Tu, K.M. et al. Permissive Parenting, Deviant Peer Affiliations, and Delinquent Behavior in Adolescence: the Moderating Role of Sympathetic Nervous System Reactivity. J Abnorm Child Psychol 44, 1071–1081 (2016). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-015-0114-8 

⁽⁶⁾Aznar, A., Sowden, P., Bayless, S., Ross, K., Warhurst, A., & Pachi, D. (2021). Home-schooling during COVID-19 lockdown: Effects of coping style, home space, and everyday creativity on stress and home-schooling outcomes. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 10(4), 294–312. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000182 

⁽⁷⁾Garcia, F., & Gracia, E. (2009). Is always authoritative the optimum parenting style? Evidence from Spanish families. Adolescence, 44(173), 101-131. 

⁽⁸⁾Neece, C.L., Chan, N. (2017). The Stress of Parenting Children with Developmental Disabilities. In: Deater-Deckard, K., Panneton, R. (eds) Parental Stress and Early Child Development. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-55376-4_5 

⁽⁹⁾Woolfson, L., & Grant, E. (2006). Authoritative parenting and parental stress in parents of pre‐school and older children with developmental disabilities. Child: care, health and development, 32(2), 177-184. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1365-2214.2006.00603.x 

Authoritarian parenting style is, with authoritative, permissive, and neglectful, one of the four traditional parenting styles. These four parenting styles were first quoted by psychologists Baumrid, Maccoby, and Martin, after observing thousands of parents and children.  

Authoritative parenting is the gold standard of parenting. In contrast, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful parenting are not that good for children.  

Let’s have a look at authoritarian parenting and how it relates to children’s development.  

Authoritarian parenting  

Authoritarian ⁽¹⁾ parents are cold and demanding. Parents expect their children to do as they are told. Good behavior is always expected. Rules are strict, non-negotiable, and not clearly explained. They do not encourage intimacy nor trust. Children’s opinions and desires are not considered.  

When authoritarian parents discipline ⁽²⁾ their children, they don’t explain to their child why their behaviour was wrong. They use punishments and may get physical. They tend to be harsh and coercive. Parents may tell their children that they won’t love then anymore if they misbehave.  

Children Raised by Authoritarian Parents Are More Likely to: 

• Have mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. 

• Have low self-esteem. 

• Have poor social skills. 

• Show behavioral problems. 

• Do poorly at school. 

• Be hostile and rebellious towards their parents. ⁽³⁾ 

How to Know if You Are an Authoritarian Parent? 

You are authoritarian if you tend to: 

• Yell at your child when they misbehave.  

• Grab your child when they are being disobedient. 

• Scold and critize your child when their behavior doesn’t meet your expectations. 

• Say something like “because I say so” or “I am your parent and I want you to”, when your child challenges a rule. 

• Punish your child by taking privileges away (e.g., “You can’t have your phone for a week!”) with little or no explanation. 

• Not allow your child to have a say about family rules. 

I Recognize Myself in Many of the Things You Have Just Mentioned. What’s the Problem? 

If you are cold towards your child, they won’t feel loved. They may even feel rejected. It is important that children feel loved by their parents. This helps them develop a sense of self-worth, belonging, and safety. ⁽⁴⁾ 

Many parents say: “It’s my job to be tough with my child, but they know I love them.” There is no doubt that authoritarian parents love their children. But as parents we must realize that it is not enough that we love them. They must feel our love. It doesn’t matter that you see yourself as a loving parent if your child doesn’t feel the same.  

The second issue with authoritarian parents is that they don’t listen to their children. They don’t take their feelings and opinions into account. Therefore, children do not feel heard. They feel ignored. Their self-esteem may struggle because the message they are getting is that they are not worthy of being heard.  

I am not saying that you must always follow your children’s opinions. Families are a hierarchy, where parents are in charge. But it is important that our children feel valued and heard.   

I Am an Authoritarian Parent but Would Like to Become More Authoritative. What Can I Do? 

The good news is that we can change and improve the way we parent. It is not easy, but it can be done.  Here are some tips: 

• Try to be more authoritative:  The more authoritative you can be, the better for your child. Authoritative parents are warm and responsive. They encourage trust and intimacy. They set high expectations and clear rules. They take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings. In turn, children tend to do well across all aspects of life ⁽⁵⁾.  

• Change your discipline style: Instead of yelling and using harsh punishments, try using logical consequences ⁽⁶⁾. These are consequences that directly address the behavior that the child should change or stop doing. For example, if your child leaves their bike in the middle of the driveway, the bike gets put away for an hour. If your child never puts their laundry in their basket, their clothes won’t be washed unless in the basket. This approach works much better than enforcing random, unrelated punishments.  

• Be mindful of your emotions: Very often when we become angry with our children is because we have lost our temper. Understand what your triggers are, so you can control how you respond to your child. Feeling angry towards your child is not a problem. The problem may be what we do with that anger.  

• Reflect on how you were raised: Were your parents very harsh with you? Did they use corporal punishment? Did you feel heard? Consider how it made you feel as a child and whether you want to raise your child in a similar environment, or whether you want to change. 

• Rather than trying to change everything at the same time, focus on changing specific behaviours 

• Seeking professional advice may be a good idea. At REC Parenting we have a team of parenting experts, ready to support you and your family. Get in touch here! It’s never too late to become the parent you want to be.  

However, Be Mindful that the Term ‘Authoritarian’ Doesn’t Mean the Same Across All Cultures. 

Parenting is influenced by the culture we live in. Authoritarian parenting is more common in non-Western cultures, and in ethnic minorities living in Western countries.  

Why? Because some non-Wester countries are collectivistic. Collectivistic cultures consider that the group is more important than the individual. An authoritarian parenting style seems to work better to get children to conform to values such as conformity, self-control, and humility, which are very important in collectivistic countries.  

Parents in these cultures may use guilt, shame and scolding to discipline their children. But contrary to what happens in the Western world, these practices are not linked with negative outcomes for children ⁽⁷⁾.  

Finally…. 

Authoritarian parenting is not the best for our children. If this is your style, don’t despair. It is never too late to become more authoritative. You can achieve it with the proper guidance, work, and persistence. At REC Parenting we are here to help you. 

And remember, the perfect parent does not exist. As parents we need to get it right more often than not.

I hope you have find this article helpful. As always, do get in touch if you have any questions or comments.

Much love,

Ana  

Dr Ana Aznar

References

1. Camisasca, E., Miragoli, S., Di Blasio, P., & Feinberg, M. (2022). Pathways among negative co-parenting, parenting stress, authoritarian parenting style, and child adjustment: The Emotional Dysregulation Driven Model. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 31(11), 3085–3096. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-022-02408-9 

2. Carroll, P. (2021). Effectiveness of positive discipline parenting program on parenting style, and child adaptive behavior. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 53(6), 1349–1358. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-021-01201-x 

3. Smetana, J. G. (2017a). Current research on parenting styles, dimensions, and beliefs. Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 19–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.02.012 

4. Smetana, J. G. (1994). Parenting styles and beliefs about Parental Authority. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 1994(66), 21–36. https://doi.org/10.1002/cd.23219946604 

5. Lavrič, M., & Naterer, A. (2020). The power of authoritative parenting: A cross-national study of effects of exposure to different parenting styles on Life Satisfaction. Children and Youth Services Review, 116, 105274. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2020.105274 

6. Robichaud, J.-M., Mageau, G. A., Soenens, B., Mabbe, E., Kil, H., Frenette, J., & Roy, M. (2024). Should parents combine reasoning with firm control to nurture adolescent socialization? comparing logical consequences with mild punishments. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue Canadienne Des Sciences Du Comportement. https://doi.org/10.1037/cbs0000409 

7. Chao, R. K. (1994). Beyond Parental Control and authoritarian parenting style: Understanding Chinese parenting through the cultural notion of training. Child Development, 65(4), 1111–1119. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1994.tb00806.x 

The four main parenting styles: Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Neglectful. Which one is yours?

Psychologists Baumrid, Maccoby, and Martin rated thousands of parents and children along two dimensions: warmth and demandingness. Based on those two dimensions they concluded that each parent falls into one of the four main parenting styles. Why are parenting styles important? Because they play a role in children’s development. 

Let’s have a look at them so you can decide the type of parent you are. 

Authoritative Parenting

These parents are loving, caring, and warm. They encourage trust and intimacy. They set high expectations and clear rules. Children understand those rules and what the consequences are when they break them. Parents take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings. Children feel safe and secure because their parents are consistent and establish clear routines. 

How does authoritative parenting influence children?

Children of authoritative parents are the ones who do best. These children tend to:

• Be well adjusted 
• Have good social skills
• Do well in school
• Have high self-esteem

Hundreds of studies show that authoritative parenting can be considered the gold standard of parenting. 

Authoritarian Parenting

These parents are demanding and cold. They expect their children to do as they are told. They set strict rules, and they tend be inflexible and rigid. They do not encourage intimacy nor trust. Parents expect children to do as they are told. 

When they discipline their children, they are harsh, use punishments and may get physical. They do not explain to the child why their behaviour was wrong. 

How does Authoritarian Parenting influence children? These children are more likely to:

• Have poor social relations
• Have mental health issues such as anxiety and depression
• Do poorly at school
• Have lower self-esteem

Permissive Parenting 

These parents are warm and responsive, but they don’t expect much from their children. They provide little guidance and direction. They want to be liked by their children, so they avoid conflict.  

 They do no set clear limits. They are not consistent in their discipline.  One day they may punish their child for not making the bed and the next day, the same behaviour may go unnoticed. 

How do permissive parents influence their children? These children are:

• More likely to have emotional and behavioural problems
• Less likely to do well at school
• More likely to have self-regulation issues

Neglectful Parenting (Also Called Uninvolved Parenting): 

These parents are not demanding nor responsive towards their children’s needs. They are simply not interested in their children’s lives. They don’t set expectations, nor they offer guidance, support, or supervision.  They offer shelter and food but that’s about it. 

They don’t discipline their children. 

How do neglectful parenting influence children? These children are more likely to:

• Struggle at school
• Lack self-regulation 
• Use drugs and alcohol
• Engage in delinquency and antisocial behaviour 

Children of neglectful parents are the worst off. 

Let me say something before we continue. You may have noticed that I use the words ‘tend to’ or ‘are likely’ quite a lot. This is because developmental psychology research cannot say 100% that something will happen, it can say that something is likely to happen. Let’s take the example of neglectful parenting. Studies show that children of neglectful parents are very likely to do poorly in life. Does this mean that all neglected children will do badly? No. There are neglected children who do well. We cannot categorically say that all neglected children will struggle, we can only say that neglected children are more likely to struggle. 

Let’s now answer some questions that parents often ask about this topic. 

What About Other Parenting Styles I Have Heard of?

You may have heard about gentle parenting, helicopter parenting, attachment parenting, laid back parenting, reflective parenting, natural parenting, and so many others! 

The reality is that most of these parenting styles do the rounds in social media and the press but there is not much (or any) scientific research backing them. 

There is some research on intensive parenting (or helicopter parenting) suggesting that it is linked with negative outcomes for children.

Do I Always Have the Same Parenting Style?

No. Your parenting style may change depending on what is happening in your life. For example, when parents are stressed maybe because they are going through a divorce or have been laid off at work, they are usually harsher with their children. So, a parent that is usually authoritative may become authoritarian. Be mindful of what is happening in your life to understand how you are behaving towards your children.

Many parents do not fit nicely into one category. They may be for example, mostly permissive with a bit of neglect. Like in everything in life, there are many shades of grey in parenting!

Do I have the same parenting style with all my children?

No. You may have different parenting styles with each of your children. This happens because parents influence their children, but children also influence their parents. Parenting is a way two-street. Imagine that you have a child that is always happy, loving, and easy. It is likely that you will be authoritative with them. Now, imagine that your other child has always been difficult, is moody, and aloof. It is likely that you will be more authoritarian with them. 

This doesn’t mean that we love one child more than the other. It means that they are different people, and we react differently to them. 

Can I Change my Parenting Style?

Yes. Parenting styles can be changed. There are studies called ‘parenting interventions’ where parents are taught to become ‘better’ parents. I have good news: 

•  Parents can and do change the way the parent
• When parents become ‘better’ at parenting, their children do better 

With the right support and commitment, we can become the parent we want to be more often than not. Remember that the perfect parent doesn’t exist, and our children don’t need a perfect parent. What they need is that we get it right most of the time. 

If you want to change aspects of your parenting that you are not happy with, our REC Parenting therapists are here to support you. 

What if my Partner Has One Parenting Style and I Have Another?

This is a common issue but there is not a lot of research about it. The ideal situation is one where both parents (or at least one) are authoritative.

If you have two different parenting styles, remember that you and your partner want what is best for your child, even if you disagree about what the ‘best thing’ looks like. Try to find some common ground. 

Does Culture Influence Parenting Styles?

Very much so! We raise our children to fit in the society that we live in. Different societies have different values, beliefs, and traditions, so, parenting is not the same across all cultures. 

Authoritative parenting is more common in Western countries. In contrast, in collectivist countries parents tend to be more authoritarian. 

What About Parenting Styles for Parents of Neurodivergent Children?

Like all children, neurodivergent children, benefit from authoritative parents. However, these parents may find more difficult to be warm and responsive towards their children because raising neurodivergent children brings its own challenges. 

It is particularly important for parents raising neurodivergent children to take care of themselves and find a support system. 

My Final Message

As parents we are inundated with tips and advice. Just remember one thing: Try to be an authoritative parent as often as you can. You won’t get it always right, and that’s OK. Our children don’t need us to get it right all the time. They need us to get it right more often than not. That’s… about it. 

I hope you find this article helpful. As always, if you have any questions or comments, get in touch with me.

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar