“How can I help and support my 12 year old daughter who presents with autism and diagnosed with dyslexia navigate/ regulate emotions, calm her nervous system, make logical decisions and learn social cues.”
Parenting a neurodivergent child can be challenging. And sadly, often the conventional parenting advice doesn’t help. Here are some techniques you may find useful:
- Name her feelings whenever she is having a big emotion. There is research showing that just by taking a moment to think and name what we are feeling (“name it to tame it”), we get more regulated. You can also ask her to rate from 1-5 how strongly she is feeling the emotion or to give her emotions a colour (e.g., very strong is a red, strong is a yellow, and light is a green). Get her to do this every time she has a big emotion.
- Discuss appropriate reactions to her emotions: once she understands what she is feeling, you can then discuss what reactions are OK and which ones are not. “I understand that you are feeling angry but hitting your brother is not OK. What can you do instead? Do you want to take five deep breaths until you calm down”. Strategies like: taking deep breaths, counting to 20, walking away from the situation, and having a calming place at home for when she needs it, will help her to calm down. Go through all of them, reflect on which ones are useful and which ones are not, and practice with her doing them whenever she has a big emotion.
- Discuss how her reactions affect other people: if for example, your child is very competitive and this is creating problems with other children because she yells at them whenever she loses a game, discuss with her why she cannot yell at the children. Make it clear that it is OK to feel angry, but the yelling is not OK. Then, discuss with her alternatives to manage her anger. She can choose from the strategies that we discussed in point 3.
- Together, identify her triggers: this way she will understand what situations trigger her, she can be prepared, and then she can regulate herself with one of the techniques I have already mentioned.
- Role play: this is a great way to support her emotional regulation skills and her social skills. If there are certain situations that usually trigger her, role play with her the situation and rehearse appropriate reactions. Consider which social situations make her anxious. For example, she may feel very nervous because she is having a sleepover with a friend. You could role-play the situation with her. You could be the friend, and she can be herself. You could pretend to have the sleepover from the moment she gets to the house, what they will do after, what happens when they finally go to sleep… This way she will feel more in control of the situation, and she can plan how to act, what to say, and she can identify when she will make more anxious.
These are just some techniques that you may find useful. Keep in mind that there are many others that I haven’t mentioned. Also, consider that no two neurodivergent children are the same, so take the techniques that resonate with you and ignore those that don’t.
I also really recommend the book Differently Wired by Debora Reber.
If you would like to discuss in more detail the strategies that would best work for your child, get in touch with me. Remember also to take care of yourself. At REC Parenting, we can support you and your child.
I wish you and your child, all the very, very best.
Love,
Ana
What Is ADHD?
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder (1) . People who experience it have difficulties paying attention, and/or controlling their impulses and regulating their behaviour.
Children (2) with ADHD are more likely to:
- Have academic problems
- Have problems in their social relations (e.g., family and friends)
- Suffer physical injuries
- Do drugs and alcohol
- Have low self-esteem
- Have problems finding and keeping a job when they grow up
ADHD is the most common neurodevelopmental disorder with an estimated prevalence (3) of 5%. It usually continues into adulthood although for some people, symptoms lessen with age. Others never completely outgrow ADHD, but they learn to manage it using different strategies.
Do Toddlers Have ADHD?
ADHD seems to be a condition we are born with. So, it is possible for toddlers to have ADHD. The issue is that toddlers cannot be diagnosed until they are older. It is not possible to get toddlers diagnosed because toddler behaviour and ADHD symptoms often overlap.
Toddlers (4) usually find it difficult to pay attention, control their impulses and they tend to be quite hyperactive. These three characteristics are typical of children with ADHD. Those children who reach primary school and still find it difficult to develop these abilities may be referred to a specialist to determine if they have ADHD.
How Is ADHD Usually Noticed?
Children with ADHD tend to be identified when they are in primary school during middle childhood. Very often these children have trouble with their schoolwork as well as with other children (5).
How Is ADHD Diagnosed?
ADHD must be diagnosed by a paediatrician, or by a mental health professional, like a psychologist or a psychiatrist.
Diagnosing ADHD is a process with a few steps. It is a complex process because there is not a single test to diagnose ADHD. Other problems, such as anxiety, sleep disorders, or other type of neurodivergent conditions, have similar symptoms to ADHD.
The American Association of Paediatrics (AAP) has guidelines to diagnose and treat ADHD in children between the ages of 4 and 6 years old. It does not have guidelines aimed at younger children.
Healthcare professionals diagnose ADHD according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V). The DSM-V states that there are three types of ADHD:
Hyperactivity-impulsivity:
- Often fidgets with or tap hands or feet, or squirms in seat
- Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected
- Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is not appropriate
- Often unable to play or take part in leisure activities quietly
- Is often ‘on the go’ acting as if ‘driven by a motor’
- Often talks excessively
- Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed
- Often has trouble waiting for their turn
- Often interrupts or intrudes on others
Inattention:
- Often fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities.
- Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities
- Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
- Often does not follow through instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace
- Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities
- Often avoids, dislikes or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time
- Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities
- Is often easily distracted
- Is often forgetful in daily activities
Combined:
A child with combined ADHD has symptoms of both inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive ADHD.
Children are diagnosed with ADHD when they:
- Have symptoms for at least six months.
- Have symptoms in two or more settings (e.g., home, school, social setting).
- Have symptoms that impact their ability to function successfully in school, at home, and in other social contexts.
- The symptoms are not better explained by another mental disorder
It is important to note that your child might show one or many of these characteristics without having ADHD.
How Is ADHD Treated?
ADHD cannot be cured but the correct treatment can help manage the symptoms. The American Academy of Paediatrics recommends that:
- Children younger than six years old: parents to receive behaviour management before medication is tried.
- Children 6 years-old and older: they should receive medication (e.g., stimulants or non-stimulants) and behaviour therapy. For children under 12, it is also recommended that their parents receive training in behaviour management.
A good treatment plan should be closely monitored, and changes should be made along the way to adapt to the child’s development. It is also important that parents, teachers, and health professionals work together to best support the child.
Why Is it Important to Diagnose ADHD as Early as Possible?
Early diagnosis and treatment can make a big difference. This is why, researchers are examining how it could be diagnosed earlier. The latest research is examining the links between ADHD and children having a difficult temperament from birth (6). Researchers are also examining links between ADHD and toddlers struggling to achieve motor and language milestones, as well as toddlers being very active (7).
Finally
Please remember that whatever people may say there is nothing you have done to cause your child’s ADHD. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder.
If you suspect your toddler may have ADHD, discuss it with your doctor but do not forget that ADHD cannot be diagnosed when children are this young.
If you have any questions regarding ADHD, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Nikkelen, S. W. C., Valkenburg, P. M., Huizinga, M., & Bushman, B. J. (2014). Media use and ADHD-related behaviors in children and adolescents: A meta-analysis. Developmental Psychology, 50(9), 2228-2241. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037318
(2) Barkley, R. A. (2014). ADHD and injuries: Accidental and self-inflicted. The ADHD Report, 22(2), 1-8. https://doi.org/10.1521/adhd.2014.22.2.1
(3) Polanczyk, G., De Lima, M. S., Horta, B. L., Biederman, J., & Rohde, L. A. (2007). The worldwide prevalence of ADHD: a systematic review and metaregression analysis. American journal of psychiatry, 164(6), 942-948. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.2007.164.6.942
(4) Nigg, J. T., Sibley, M. H., Thapar, A., & Karalunas, S. L. (2020). Development of ADHD: Etiology, heterogeneity, and early life course. Annual review of developmental psychology, 2(1), 559-583. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-devpsych-060320-093413
(5) McGoey, K. E., Eckert, T. L., & Dupaul, G. J. (2002). Early intervention for preschool-age children with ADHD: A literature review. Journal of Emotional and Behavioral Disorders, 10(1), 14-28. https://doi.org/10.1177/106342660201000103
(6) Nigg, J. T., Blaskey, L. G., Stawicki, J. A., & Sachek, J. (2004). Evaluating the endophenotype model of ADHD neuropsychological deficit: results for parents and siblings of children with ADHD combined and inattentive subtypes. Journal of abnormal psychology, 113(4), 614. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0021-843X.113.4.614
(7) Miller, C. J. (2023). Mindfulness Interventions for ADHD. In Clinical Handbook of ADHD Assessment and Treatment Across the Lifespan (pp. 631-647). Cham: Springer International Publishing.
