My Partner and I Have Different Parenting Styles

“Every new parent comes with their own experiences of growing up (abiding by different rules, discipline etc) how do my partner and I  have an agreed parenting path (views about how to deal with conflict/behavioural changes) going forward so that we are clear and consistent? Do you recommend any parenting courses/workbooks to help us work/guide us through these really important fundamental child raising questions? Thanks  

Obviously, communication is key but I think a clear gentle guide in discussions would be really beneficial.” 

Most of us don’t discuss how we want to raise our children before having them, right? And the reality, as you say, is that we were all raised in different ways, and we all have different ideas about how children should be raised. So, rest assured that you are not the only one having this problem. Most couples do not agree about every single aspect of parenting. Having said this, it is important that you try to set some ground rules so that parenting differences don’t end up undermining your relationship.  

Here are some useful tips to remember: 

• It is impossible that you and your partner will agree on absolutely everything. Before criticizing your partner’s decision, ask yourself: “Does my partner want what is best for our child?”. The answer is probably ‘yes’, right? Instead of thinking that you are right, and your partner is wrong, think that you have different ideas about parenting. Not better or worse, just different.  

• Establish some ‘red lines’. These could be a few things that are a totally no-go for each one of you and that you should both respect. For example, it could be that you are absolutely against letting your child have sleepovers, and your partner is completely against shouting at your child. You should both make a pact to respect these ‘red lines’.  

• Remember that the problem is not to have conflicting opinions, the problem is how you handle them in front of your child.  

• Even if you disagree with your partner’s parenting in the moment, do not say so in front of your child. Save your thoughts for later and discuss it when you are both feeling calm.  

• You don’t want to disagree in front of your child because it can be confusing and worrying for them. It can also undermine your authority and lead your child to play you against each other.   

• Discipline is a common friction point between parents. Unless your partner is placing your child in physical danger, try not to undermine their authority in front of your child. Have a chat later and decide on some discipline ground rules.  

• Finally, remember that your child does not need perfect parents that agree on absolutely everything. Your child needs stable and loving parents. If you end up having an argument in front of your child, repair the relationship with them and tell them that it is totally normal for couples to have arguments from time to time.  

In terms of resources, we could have an online session to discuss this issue further and agree on some ground rules. We can also discuss what aspects really matter for child development, to avoid you arguing over things that do not matter that much. Do get in touch with me and we can organize it straight away.  

I hope this helps! 

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar