How to Support a 12-year-old with Autism and ADHD

“How can I help and support my 12 year old daughter who presents with autism and diagnosed with dyslexia navigate/ regulate emotions, calm her nervous system, make logical decisions and learn social cues.”

Parenting a neurodivergent child can be challenging. And sadly, often the conventional parenting advice doesn’t help. Here are some techniques you may find useful:

1. Name her feelings whenever she is having a big emotion. There is research showing that just by taking a moment to think and name what we are feeling (“name it to tame it”), we get more regulated. You can also ask her to rate from 1-5 how strongly she is feeling the emotion or to give her emotions a colour (e.g., very strong is a red, strong is a yellow, and light is a green). Get her to do this every time she has a big emotion. 
2. Discuss appropriate reactions to her emotions: once she understands what she is feeling, you can then discuss what reactions are OK and which ones are not. “I understand that you are feeling angry but hitting your brother is not OK. What can you do instead? Do you want to take five deep breaths until you calm down”. Strategies like: taking deep breaths, counting to 20, walking away from the situation, and having a calming place at home for when she needs it, will help her to calm down. Go through all of them, reflect on which ones are useful and which ones are not, and practice with her doing them whenever she has a big emotion. 
3. Discuss how her reactions affect other people: if for example, your child is very competitive and this is creating problems with other children because she yells at them whenever she loses a game, discuss with her why she cannot yell at the children. Make it clear that it is OK to feel angry, but the yelling is not OK. Then, discuss with her alternatives to manage her anger.  She can choose from the strategies that we discussed in point 3. 
4. Together, identify her triggers: this way she will understand what situations trigger her, she can be prepared, and then she can regulate herself with one of the techniques I have already mentioned. 
5. Role play: this is a great way to support her emotional regulation skills and her social skills. If there are certain situations that usually trigger her, role play with her the situation and rehearse appropriate reactions. Consider which social situations make her anxious. For example, she may feel very nervous because she is having a sleepover with a friend. You could role-play the situation with her. You could be the friend, and she can be herself. You could pretend to have the sleepover from the moment she gets to the house, what they will do after, what happens when they finally go to sleep… This way she will feel more in control of the situation, and she can plan how to act, what to say, and she can identify when she will make more anxious.

These are just some techniques that you may find useful. Keep in mind that there are many others that I haven’t mentioned. Also, consider that no two neurodivergent children are the same, so take the techniques that resonate with you and ignore those that don’t. 

I also really recommend the book Differently Wired by Debora Reber. 

If you would like to discuss in more detail the strategies that would best work for your child, get in touch with me. Remember also to take care of yourself. At REC Parenting, we can support you and your child. 

I wish you and your child, all the very, very best. 

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar