How to Stop Yelling at my Kids

“How do I discipline my child/teen without yelling at them? I am at my wit’s end and don’t know how to deal with my kid’s lying without ending up yelling at them.“

I totally get you and I feel for you. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t know any parent that has never yelled at their kid. I think that, unless your child is a total saint, or you have nerves of steel, it is impossible to raise a kid without ever yelling.  

Please know that yelling from time to time doesn’t harm your kids. I am talking about the: ‘PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW!’ kind of yelling after you have told them to do it 67 times. 

When should we worry about our yelling? 

• When we say things that can hurt our kids: “You always do everything wrong!”, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”, “Are you stupid?” 

• When we feel that our family’s normal is yelling.  

Most of the times, when we yell is because we have failed to regulate ourselves. We lose our cool and we shout. How do we learn to self-regulate? First, understand your triggers (e.g., think about when you are more likely to yell: when the house is a mess, at bedtime because you are exhausted, at mealtimes when they refuse to eat what you have cooked…). Once you understand your triggers, you can take steps to avoid reaching your breaking point. For the next few weeks, keep a ‘yelling journal’ to learn what your triggers are and then set up a plan to address them (e.g., if you end up shouting in the evenings because you are exhausted try batch cooking during the weekend, so you have one less thing to do or ask the kids to chip in). The goal is to avoid reaching your breaking point.  

Sometimes, we yell because it is how we were raised or because it is the only parenting tool we have. If you want, we can have a 1-2-1 session to discuss your situation, and I would give you some tools that you could use. Drop me an email here.  

Do also have a read at this article: Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at their Kids?  

Finally, let me assure you that you are a good mum, and you are doing the best you can. Just showing up here means that you care about your children, and you want to do what is best for them. Do not beat yourself up.  

Lots of love,  

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar