Let’s be honest: who doesn’t ever yell at their kids?

Do you ever yell at your kids? Let’s be honest: Who doesn’t?? If you are one of those parents (I am with you), you may feel awful reading recent news headlines such as: ‘Adults shouting at children can be as harmful to a child’s development as sexual or physical abuse” (CNN);  ‘Shouting at children may be as damaging as physical or sexual abuse’ (The Guardian). These headlines are two examples of many articles that came out recently based on a new study considering verbal abuse a form of child abuse.

Let me be clear: I totally think that verbal abuse is a form of child abuse. But what I don’t agree with is with those headlines. In my opinion, this is an example of scientific research being misinterpreted and parenting advice missing important nuance, not only failing to help parents but provoking parental shame and guilt. What this study really found is that HOW we speak to our children matters. The tone of voice we use is important but WHAT we say is more important. There is a big difference between occasionally yelling at your child: “BRUSH YOUR TEETH, NOW!!!” and “YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!”. Not all yelling is equally negative. There is no scientific evidence supporting that occasional yelling is negative for children.

Am I advocating that it’s good to yell at our children? Not at all, it is clearly much better to talk to our children in a calm manner. But unless you have nerves of steel, it is almost impossible to raise a kid without at least yelling occasionally. So, let’s be realistic and instead of aiming to never yell, let’s try to do it as rarely as we can, and when we do it, not to say things that we will regret.

This live webinar was held in early 2024.

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