Staying Connected As a Couple When You Become Parents 

In my therapy room, I often hear parent couples ask, “What happened to us? We used to be so relaxed and carefree!” Even the most solid relationships often struggle with the seismic shift that comes with introducing a baby into the family ⁽¹⁾. From practical challenges like getting enough sleep and navigating childcare, to differing expectations of each other now as partners. 

Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that relationship satisfaction can decrease after having children ⁽²⁾. As new parents we have far less access to the protective relationship factors that keep us feeling closely connected (think: time to chat, time to chill, time to have sex!) ⁽³⁾.

Regardless of how normal it is to find the transition from romantic couple to parent couple challenging, it is still a rarely spoken phenomenon. Social media is awash with lots of ways to compare yourself, and naturally we only see the smiling, happy family and couple photos. We know that if parents feel isolated and ashamed about their difficulties, they are less likely to seek help – which can make relationship challenges even worse. 

It has been said that nourishing your relationship alongside parenting reduces stress in the family ⁽⁴⁾. Relationships can endure higher levels of stress when they are fortified with mutual support and attention. 

But what does that mutual support and attention actually look like in the months and years of early parenthood?

Communicating Well

Good communication as a couple is essential. Whether this is coming together to make a game plan to tackle your baby’s new sleep schedule or taking time and space to really hear about what an experience has been like for your partner. Often, we can forget about how important the skill of listening is in communication. Good listening helps you to understand things from your partner’s point of view and is a solid predictor of relationship satisfaction ⁽⁵⁾. It might seem obvious, but to really be listening we often need to stop what we are doing and pay full attention to our partner’s words and body language. It’s easy to fall into the trap of half-listening while thinking about what you’ll say next, but true listening requires full attention.

The words we use also shape how we communicate. Using “I” statements helps prevent defensiveness and opens the door to understanding. Rather than blaming, describe how you feel and what you experience from your perspective.

Managing Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, and parenting adds new layers to it. Maybe you have different ideas about a parenting challenge or feel upset about an uneven share of household chores.

Research separates out destructive and constructive conflict ⁽⁶⁾. Destructive conflict typically involves personal attacks, a lack of resolution and resulting emotional distress. These are the fights when everyone feels hurt, and probably regrets something uttered in the heat of the moment. Constructive conflict, on the other hand, focuses on the issue at hand, shows mutual respect, and aims to solve the problem through compromise or collaboration. So, it is possible to argue well, but it’s not always easy to do so in the heat of the moment. A tip towards more constructive conflict is to always try to focus on the issue, not the person. 

Accepting Relationship Changes

I encourage parents to look at their lives as a couple as being in seasons. This introduces a way of accepting relationship changes (just like we accept the moving of seasons) and acknowledges that something that feels difficult now, will likely shift and change. 

It takes trust and a sense of vulnerability to open up to your partner about some of the ways that your relationship might have shifted since becoming parents. Trust can be harder to come by if we feel as though we are not on the same team. 

For some couples, it might be that discussing with an impartial professional such as in couples therapy is the right answer, for others improving communication and openness with each other bit by bit makes the difference. 

Rebuilding Protective Factors

Communication, intimacy and quality time together all take a hit when a baby is born, and it may feel like that ease of being with each other has gone out of the window. We tend to think about intimacy in relation to sexual intimacy, and of course that does play a role, but intimacy and sex are different things. 

Physical connection can come in many forms, like hugs or kisses, and small gestures—like buying your partner’s favourite treat—can keep emotional closeness alive.

It can be really difficult between nappy changes and other care commitments to communicate about how you are feeling. This can add to a feeling of distance between each other. It can be helpful to set aside time to talk, share an activity and connect ⁽⁷⁾ . If a “date night” just feels too out of reach at the moment, I often suggest that couples commit to just one moment in the week (a quiet evening cooking dinner, Saturday afternoon walk with the buggy) where they can commit to talking and listening to each other. 

About the Author

Dr. Naomi is a Clinical Psychologist with over 12 years experience of working in mental health settings. She works in private practice in Amsterdam supporting parents in the ‘perinatal period’- from pregnancy to childbirth and all aspects of the transition to parenthood.  She is particularly interested in the ways that couple relationships shift and change (for better or worse!) once kids come along, and recently launched Stick Together- Conversation Cards for New Parents, which are a set of 40 beautifully designed question cards crafted to bring partners closer together, as they navigate parenthood. You can buy them here.

References

^{(1) Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601–619. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969}

^{(2) Karimi, R., Bakhitoyari, M., Arani, A. M. (2019). Protective factors of marital stability in long-term marriage globally: a systematic review. Epidemiol Health. doi: 10.4178/epih.e2019023}

⁽³⁾ Twenge, J. M., Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2003). Parenthood and Marital Satisfaction: A Meta-Analytic Review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(3), 574–583. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00574.x

⁽⁴⁾ Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2008). And Baby Makes Three:The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance after Baby Arrives. New York: Harmony Press

⁽⁵⁾ Walker, S.A., Pinkus, R.T., Olderbak, S. et al. People with higher relationship satisfaction use more humor, valuing, and receptive listening to regulate their partners’ emotions. Curr Psychol 43, 2348–2356 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-023-04432-4

⁽⁶⁾ Gao, M., Du, H., Davies, P.T. and Cummings, E.M. (2019), Marital Conflict Behaviors and Parenting: Dyadic Links Over Time. Fam Relat, 68: 135-149. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12322

⁽⁷⁾ Anderson, S. A., Russell, C. S., & Schumm, W. R. (1983). Perceived marital quality and family life-cycle categories: A further analysis. Journal of Marriage and Family, 45(1), 127–139. https://doi.org/10.2307/351301