Discussing Teen Sex: Talking to Your Teen About Sex

Many parents feel uncomfortable when discussing sex with their teens and leave it in the hands of the school. But we should not count on sexual education to happen only at school. It must happen also at home. In this article, we give you information and tips, so you feel more confident when talking sex.

Forget About ‘The Talk’

It is time to forget about ‘The Talk’ and the birds and the bees. Instead focus on the ‘Many Small Talks” approach. Ideally you want to talk about sex and sexuality as your child grows up. This way you normalize the topic. You are giving your child the message that it is ok to talk about it. That human sexuality is just a topic of conversation like any other.

Think about sex education as if you were building a house. At the beginning, when kids are little, talk about body parts and appropriate touch. As children grow, you can start discussing puberty and menstruation. Later, you discuss about healthy relationships, sexual intercourse, consent, sexual pressure, sexual violence, contraceptives, unplanned pregnancy, alcohol and drugs, and sexually transmitted diseases (e.g., HIV, AIDS). 

Why Is It Important to Talk to your Teen about Sex?

When parents talk about sex with their teenagers, teenagers are more likely to: 

• Practice safer sex ⁽¹⁾, especially in the case of girls 
• Start having sex later 
• Have fewer ⁽²⁾ sexual partners 

Parents who talk with their teens about sex usually focus on abstinence, safe sex, sexually transmitted diseases, and values around sexuality ⁽³⁾. However, around 50% of teenagers say that they do not talk about sex with their parents ⁽⁴⁾. 

It is important to note that it is mostly mothers that talk about sex with their children. Children usually prefer to talk about sex with their mothers than with their fathers. The way mothers talk to boys and girls about sex is different. With girls, they focus on the dangers of sex. With boys, mothers are more likely to let them control their own sexuality ⁽⁵⁾.

Why Do We Find It So Difficult to Talk about Sex?

There are many reasons why discussing teen sex is tough for parents:

• We do not know when, what, and how much to say
• We believe that our teenager is not ready to talk about sex (especially in the case of girls)
• We feel uncomfortable and embarrassed 
• We think our kids do not want to hear what we have to say
• Gender, racial/ethnic and religious factors. For example, fathers rarely talk with their daughters about sex 

Teenagers also find it difficult to talk about it with their parents. Often because they are afraid to being judged or to disappoint them.

Make it about Values

Your teenager can learn anywhere about the mechanics of sex, but they can only learn about the values of sex and sexuality from you. Explain your values clearly 

Your teen needs you to speak about sex as a parent, not as a friend. You are not their buddy when it comes to discussing sex. If we fail to give our children clear guidelines about relationships and sex, they can feel confused and insecure. 

Discuss and Model What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like

A healthy romantic relationship should be about love, respect, and caring for each other. It is important to say it aloud and explicitly to your child. It is also important that this is the relationship that your teen perceives that you have with your partner. 

Listen, Really Listen to your Teenager and Take their Opinion Seriously

Do not give your teenager a lecture. Have a conversation. It is important that your child feels listened to and accepted. Otherwise, they will close off and will not share their ideas and experiences. Even if you are outraged or concerned by what they says, keep your cool and do not overreact. 

Talk about Porn and Make it Clear that it Is Not Real Life

Your teenager will find porn. No matter how many parental controls you have installed in your devices. They will access it at a friend’s house or on their cousin’s phone. They will find it. It is a must that you explain that porn is not real life. It is not how sex in a healthy relationship looks like.

If You Find It Too Difficult, Do not Make Eye Contact

Sometimes when a topic is difficult for us to discuss, it is easier not to make eye contact. Talking about sex with your teenager may be easier while cooking, driving or going for a walk. If opportunities arise while you are watching a movie or listening to the radio, use them. You may find it easier to talk about it in a public place, so you are more likely to keep your cool.

What If my Child Does Not Want to Talk about Sex with Me?

If this is your case, try for him to talk about it with a member of your extended family- a sibling, an aunt, an uncle, or a cousin. There is some research suggesting that talking about sex with other family members, also protects teens from sexual risk behaviours ⁽⁶⁾. If you have no other family members, you can ask your GP, a trusted teacher, or a good friend to have a chat about it. 

Finally…

We have two brilliant REC Parenting masterclasses that you will find useful:

• Teen Dating Violence with Dr Kirsty Lee
• How to Have Difficult Conversations with your Teenager with Dr Tara Porter

I hope you find this information useful. Do get in touch if there are any issues concerning your teenager that you are worried about. 

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Grossman, J. M., DeSouza, L. M., Richer, A. M., & Lynch, A. D. (2021). Father-teen talks about sex and teens’ sexual health: The role of direct and indirect communication. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(18), 9760. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18189760

⁽²⁾ Secor-Turner, M., Sieving, R. E., Eisenberg, M. E., & Skay, C. (2011). Associations between sexually experienced adolescents’ sources of information about sex and sexual risk outcomes. Sex Education, 11(4), 489-500. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681811.2011.601137

⁽³⁾ Stidham-Hall, K., Moreau, C., & Trussell, J. (2012). Patterns and correlates of parental and formal sexual and reproductive health communication for adolescent women in the United States, 2002–2008. Journal of Adolescent Health, 50(4), 410-413. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2011.06.007

⁽⁴⁾ Robert, A. C., & Sonenstein, F. L. (2010). Adolescents’ reports of communication with their parents about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control: 1988, 1995, and 2002. Journal of Adolescent Health, 46(6), 532-537. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2009.11.201

⁽⁵⁾ Byers, E. S., Henderson, J., & Hobson, K. M. (2009). University students’ definitions of sexual abstinence and having sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38, 665-674. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9289-6

⁽⁶⁾ Grossman, J. M., Lynch, A. D., Richer, A. M., DeSouza, L. M., & Ceder, I. (2019). Extended-family talk about sex and teen sexual behavior. International journal of environmental research and public health, 16(3), 480. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16030480