Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

The term ‘adult children of emotionally immature parents’ has become really popular in the last few years. But do you know what it really means?

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Immature?

The American Psychological Association⁽¹⁾ describes emotional immaturity as “a tendency to express emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation”. It is the type of response you would expect from a child. In contrast, emotional maturity is defined as “a high and appropriate level of emotional control and expression”.

Why Are Some People Emotionally Immature?

There are many factors attributing to why some people grow up to be more emotionally mature than others ⁽²⁾. Some of these factors are: 

• Our temperament: When children have a difficult temperament, their parents are more likely to be harsher with them, which may influence how they develop their emotional competence. 
• Parents’ emotion talk: Parents who talk more about emotions, tend to have children who are more emotionally competent. 
• Parents’ emotional expressiveness: Parents who express their emotions in an effective manner, both verbally and non-verbally, have children who tend to be more emotionally competent. 
• Parents’ reactions to their children’s expression of emotions: When parents allow and encourage their children to express their emotions, their children are more likely to become more emotionally competent. 
• Emotional climate in the family: Some families are warm and affectionate whereas others are cold and distant. In general, it is easier for children to develop a high level of emotional competence when they live within a warm and caring family where they feel valued, listened to, and their emotions are considered. 

A Word of Caution Before We Move On

The term ‘adult children of emotionally immature parents’ comes from a book written by therapist Lindsay Gibson, PsyD. This book was published in 2015, but it has suddenly found a young and new audience. The book has recently been doing the rounds in social media and has become an Amazon bestseller in the category of parent-adult child relationships.

As a result, thousands of people in Tik Tok, Reddit, and Instagram are ‘diagnosing’ each other. They are assuming that everything that is going wrong in each other’s’ lives is because they have emotionally immature parents. However, this explanation may be too simplistic. We may end up blaming everything that is wrong in each other’s lives on our parents. It is important to be mindful not to use psychological language lightly. If you or someone you know think that you may have an emotionally immature parent, the best thing to do is to discuss it with a professional. 

Keep in mind that there is no research on the topic of adult children of emotionally immature parents. The information that you are about to read is based on Dr Gibson’s book. The book is in turn, based on her clinical experience. 

Who Are Emotionally Immature Parents?

Emotionally immature parents have not developed the necessary emotional skills to navigate parenthood effectively. They take care of their children’s material needs but they struggle to meet their children’s emotional needs and to truly connect with them. They show up for their kids but only in practical ways. 

Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents

• Egocentrism: Egocentric parents are self-centred and put their own needs above their child’s.  
• Self-absorption
• Low empathy: This means that they find it difficult to relate to the experiences, thoughts, and emotions of other people. As a result, they cannot recognize how their own emotions and behaviours impact those around them, including their children. 
• Low emotional intimacy
• Lack of self-reflection: this makes them unlikely to apologize or take accountability for their actions. 
• They deal with reality by denying, dismissing, or distorting whatever they dislike. 
• Inconsistent or non-existent boundaries: Parents who are emotionally immature may expect their child to tell them everything and get really upset when they refuse to. They may be cold and distant. Or they may bounce between both extremes. 

Some people think that emotionally immature people are narcissistic ⁽³⁾, but this is not the case. Some emotionally immature people may be narcissistic, but these two terms do not mean the same. Narcissistic mothers or fathers are not necessarily emotionally immature. 

There Are Four Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

1. Reactive: They tend to be volatile and have problems regulating their emotions. They are driven by their feelings. Their children walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off. Their children are often the ones who have to calm and stabilise their parents. Their unpredictability makes the household stressful and unpredictable. 
2. Passive: They may be ‘fun’ but when the child shows their vulnerability, they pull away because their vulnerability is too much for them. They ignore conflict, stress, or difficult emotions. It is easy to get along with them, but they fail to stand up for themselves or their children and they do not have open and honest conversations. 
3. Emotionally Absent: They act as if their child does not exist. The child might grow up thinking that they are not important. 
4. Critical or Driven: They are very involved in their children’s live, but they lack empathy towards them. These parents are perfectionists who often nitpick at everything their children do. 

Who Are Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents?

They are those raised by parents who are not emotionally competent. These adult children tend to:

• Struggle to build healthy relationships.
• Have low self-esteem.
• Have problems trusting others.
• Have difficulties with emotional intimacy.
• Find it difficult to set boundaries ⁽⁴⁾.
• May become more mature than their parent and end up becoming the parent in the relationship. This process is called ‘parentification’. 

How Do Adult Children Cope with Their Emotionally Immature Parent?

They tend to cope using two styles of coping mechanisms:

• Internalizing: They tend to think that all problems are their fault. They are likely to give a lot without asking, feel more guilty, and be more introspective. 
• Externalizing: They do not to take responsibility because they believe that problems are not their fault. They do not believe that it is their duty to solve those problems. They are more likely to seek comfort from external sources such as alcohol and drugs. They expect help from others and are more likely to act impulsively. 

How to Deal with an Emotionally Immature Parent as a Young Adult?

1. Focus on yourself. You can decide what you do not like about your relationship with your parent and work to change it. Acknowledge that you will not be able to change your parent unless their work on themselves. Work on yourself and let go of things that you cannot change. 
2. Set up boundaries. If you feel that your parent is overstepping, let them know in a firm but calm manner. 
3. Step out of your old role. We all have roles within our family. Consider which role is yours and if you are not comfortable with it, step away from it.
4. Get professional advice: A family counsellor can help you and your parent learn to relate in a more positive manner. At REC Parenting we can find the right therapist for you. Contact us here. 

Finally…

We should not see emotional immaturity as a character flaw. Rather we should see it as an indicator that that person did not learn the tools to manage their emotions effectively while growing up. Keeping a compassionate mindset will help your relationship with an emotionally immature parent or any other emotionally immature person who is around you. 

We have more resources on this topic that you will find useful

• A masterclass by Professor Harriet Tenenbaum:  Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents.
• An article: Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents

At REC Parenting we are passionate about helping parents to raise emotionally competent children. If you would like advice on this topic, get in touch with me. We are here to help you. 

Love,

 Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ American Paediatrics Association

⁽²⁾ Aznar, A., & Tenenbaum, H.R. (2013). Spanish parents’ emotion talk and their children’s understanding of emotion. Frontiers in Developmental Psychology, 4. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00670

⁽³⁾ Miller, J. D., Lynam, D. R., Hyatt, C. S., & Campbell, W. K. (2017). Controversies in narcissism. Annual review of clinical psychology, 13(1), 291-315. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-032816-045244

⁽⁴⁾ Karl, K., & Peluchette, J. (2016). Breaking boundaries and leaving bad impressions: Toward understanding workplace encounters with helicopter parents. Journal of Organizational Psychology, 16(1).