Parental burnout can be reduced and sometimes prevented. Prevention is more dependent on support, context, and realistic expectations than on parenting techniques. When demands are lowered and resources increased- at social, family, and workplace levels- the risk of parental burnout decreases significantly.
Why This Question Matters So Much
Many parents ask this question because they have already experienced burnout and they do not want to experience it again. Others ask the question because they are tired and starting to feel fed up with parenting and they want to avoid reaching their breaking point.
Usually, fear underlies this question: “Does it mean that I have failed if I experience parental burnout?”. Rest assured that experiencing parental burnout does not mean you have failed. It can happen to any of us.
What Research Tells Us about Prevention
Research on parental burnout shows that it appears when there is a chronic imbalance between:
- Resources: support, time…
- Demands: logistical, emotional, relational, cognitive…
Important protective factors are:
- Realistic expectations of parenting: ditch trying to be the perfect parent or becoming a parent martyr
- Fair distribution of caregiving responsibilities
- Practical and social support: find your tribe and share some the workload
- A sense of choice and agency
- Opportunities for psychological recovery
Preventing burnout is not about becoming a calmer parent or a better parent but about reframing the way you are parenting.
Why Burnout Prevention Is Often Framed the Wrong Way
Very often parents are told that if they are burnout is because they are doing it wrong. This is not the case. At REC Parenting we do not believe in this approach because it only creates more guilt in parents.
What Increases the Risk of Parental Burnout
Research shows that there are some parents at a higher risk of experiencing burnout:
- Parents who aim to be perfect
- Parents of lower socioeconomic status
- Parents with low literacy
- Mothers
- Mothers who experience postpartum depression
- Single parents
- Parents who are emotionally instable
- Parents who are not conscientious (this is the tendency to be organized, responsible, disciplined, and goal-oriented)
- Parents from individualistic countries: the prevalence of parental burnout raises from 5% to 9%
- Parents of neurodivergent children, children with chronic illness or special needs
What Prevention Realistically Looks Like
It is impossible to eliminate all the stress from our life, but we can build buffers to protect us against the stress:
- Finding your tribe
- Getting professional support: cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tends to work.
- Redistributing mental load and responsibilities: unequal caregiving is a strong predictor of parental burnout
- Reducing demands: letting go of expectations that are not really necessary, simplifying expectations and routines…
- Rethinking unrealistic expectations of parenting: letting go of the idea of being perfect, stopping comparisons with other parents…
- Creating space for psychological recovery: having time with no demands and moments of choice
Can Parental Burnout Always Be Prevented?
Sadly, not always. Prevention measures reduce the risk of developing burnout but they do not completely eliminate it. Even parents who feel supported may develop burnout during very stressful periods.
A Final Message for Parents
Parental burnout is not always preventable. Very often to prevent burnout, we need to change something in our environment: we need to get more help, redistribute the mental load, or have time to take care of ourselves. And it is not always possible to change our environment.
If you are struggling, we are here to support you. Get in touch!
Related reading
This article is part of REC Parenting’s Complete Guide to Parental Burnout, where we explore what parental burnout is, how it develops, how it affects the whole family, and measures to tackle it effectively.
Parental burnout is a state of overwhelming emotional and physical exhaustion from chronic parenting stress, leading to feelings of irritability, ineffectiveness, detachment from children and loss of enjoyment in family life. Parental burnout is not the ‘typical’ parenting stress. Parental burnout impedes parents to cope.
How We Understand Parental Burnout at REC Parenting
At REC Parenting we frequently see parents (especially mothers) experiencing burnout. They experience burnout not because they are doing anything wrong, not because they are weak but because sadly, our society does not support mothers. Parental burnout is not a personal failure but a response to an environment marked by constant pressure, mental loads that need to be dealt with alone, and insufficient support.
We see parents who devote all their time and energy to their children. So much that they neglect their own needs and they reach a point where they have nothing left to give. To make it worse, many parents feel that feeling this way is a normal part of parenting. Others feel ashamed for being so tired and they do not understand why they are not enjoying raising their children.
We strongly believe that parental burnout has more to do with society’s structure. This means that we must take personal blame out of the equation.
What Psychology and Research Tell Us
Feeling stress is ‘normal’, common and even necessary. Parental burnout is something else. It is different to parenting stress, burnout, and depression. Parental burnouthappens when parenting stress impedes parents to cope. When parents lack the resources they need to handle their parenting demands, they may develop parental burnout.
Parental burnout is characterized by three main features:
• Intense exhaustion: physical, emotional, or both.
• Feeling emotionally distant from one’s child.
• Feeling doubtful of one’ capacity to be a good parent
Parents feel exhausted just by thinking about their role as parents. As a result, parents gradually detach from their children. They become less and less involved and in the end their interactions with their children are limited to logistics(e.g., “I will pick you up at 5 pm”). Consequently, parents begin to feel that they are not good parents, and their relationship with their children is damaged. Parents feel they are not being the parent they’d like to be. We can all experience these symptoms at some time. But when a parent is burnout, they experience them frequently and strongly.
Very often, people think that parental burnout only affects mothers, but that is absolutely not the case – there is a reason we call it ‘parental’ and not ‘maternal burnout’. Mothers might be most at risk as they often have the most contact with children and carry a disproportionate amount of the mental load, but fathers can, and do, burn out too.
In fact, some studies suggest that fathers may be even more vulnerable to parental burnout, perhaps because traditional gender roles have left fathers less prepared for the challenges of childcare and men may feel less able to seek emotional and practical support. Research also suggests that the consequences of parental burnout, such as withdrawing from your child or having escape fantasies, are also found to be more severe in fathers than in mothers.
Because research on parental burnot is still quite new, there are not many studies examining how it develops. A recent study shows that parental burnout does not appear suddenly, instead it is the result of a long process. This process has three stages:
1) Emotional exhaustion: the parent is always tired, even first thing in the morning, realizing they must spend another day with their child. The parent may feel that they have nothing else to give.
2) Emotional distancing: the parent gets less and lessinvolved in their child’s life. They do the bare minimum to keep their child fed, clean, and safe.
3) Loss of accomplishment in one’s parental role: the parent feels that they have had enough of parenthood. They find no joy in their children feel that they cannot keep going.
Why Parental Burnout Is Common Today
The term ‘parental burnout’ has been around since the 1980s but there wasn’t any significant research into it until the last few years and that takes time to tickle down into the public conscience. So, despite it being a relatively common condition (5% of parents worldwide are suffering from burnout) (2), it’s not yet widely talked about or understood.
The rise in parental burnout is connected to broader structural and social factors:
• We are raising kids in a very intensive, child-centeredway
• Mental load falls in the mothers, even when both, thefather and the mother work outside the home
• Ineffective work-life balance
• Trying to reach the perfect mother myth
• Mothers feeling lonely and lacking a tribe to raise their children
• The focus on productivity that is prevalent in today’s society
All these factors have made parental burnout more common. These days, parenting is intense and when parents do not have the support they need, exhaustion is to be expected. So, the idea that parental burnout is not real, that is just millennial snowflakes complaining, is simply not accurate.
Although as we have mentioned, parental burnout is linked to social factors, there are parents who are at a higher risk of experiencing it:
• Parents of neurodivergent children, children with chronic illness or special needs
• Parents who aim to be perfect
• Parents of lower socioeconomic status
• Parents with low literacy
• Mothers
• Mothers who experience postpartum depression
• Single parents
• Parents who are emotionally instable
• Parents who are not conscientious (this is the tendency to be organized, responsible, disciplined, and goal-oriented)
• Parents from individualistic countries: the prevalence of parental burnout raises from 5% to 9%
Common Signs of Parental Burnout
Different people will experience parental burnout differently, but common signs are:
• Increased irritability
• Fatigue that does not disappear with rest
• Difficulty enjoying even calm and joyful moments
• A constant feeling of being at their limit
• Constant guilt about not being the perfect parent
Parents who experience burnout are at higher risk of experiencing suicidal and escape ideations, and to problems such as substance abuse and sleep problems. It can also lead to a decrease in life satisfaction and depressive symptoms.
So far, there are two psychological tests that measure Parental burnout: the Parental Burnout Inventory (PBI) and the Parental Burnout Assessment (PBA). The PBA examines four factors:
• Emotional distance from one’s children
• Feelings of being fed up with one’s parental role,
• Contrast with how the parent used to and wanted to be,
• Exhaustion related to one’s parental role.
How Parental Burnout Affects Children and Family Life
It is important to understand that parental burnout does not only affect the parent, it also affects the spouse and the children.
The parent who suffers parental burnout struggles with his own mental health and is at a higher risk of developing other mental health conditions, leaving the family, and of committing suicide.
Parental burnout is negative for children because when parents are stressed, their ability to regulate their own emotions, their patience and availability, gets worse. Parents who are burnout are at higher risk of being neglectful or violent towards their children. Parental violence can range from minor to major physical or psychological aggression. Their children are more likely to experience mental health and behavioural issues, and to do worse in school.
Parental burnout also affects the spouse. It increases the intensity and frequency of spousal conflict, reduces the quality of life of family members, and strains family relations.Parents who experience burnout are also less likely to want to have more children.
Therefore, preventing parental burnout is key. We should not wait until parents experience it to tackle it. This is why parents should know what parental burnout so they can take the steps to protect themselves and to identify it and seek timely help.
Frequently Asked Questions about Parental Burnout
In our work with families, we often hear these questions:
• What is parental burnout and how do I know I have it?
• Can parental burnout be prevented?
• Is it normal to feel exhausted even when I love my children?
• Is parental burnout more typical of mothers than of fathers?
• How does parental burnout affect children?
• How can I recover from parental burnout?
• Are parental burnout and depression the same?
What Usually Does Not Help? (Even Though It Is Often Suggested)
• Romanticising resilience: the idea that good parents “suck it up” and keep going to matter what, is not helpful when you are struggling with burnout.
• Generic advice such as “how to organize yourself better”
• Adding more pressure thinking that it is self-care: it seems that self-care these days has become another obligation, you need to do journaling, medication, fasting…. Adding more things to your to-do-list will unlikely improve your burnout. Self-care is crucial for parents but it shoud not be seen as another obligation.
• Treating parental burnout as an individual problem: as we have already seen there are some parents who are at a higher risk of experiencing parental burnout but this does not mean that they are the only ones who experience it. More than anything, parental burnout is a societal problem.
What Actually Helps (Based on Experience and Evidence)
• Finding your tribe
• Getting professional support: cognitive behavioraltherapy (CBT) tends to work.
• Redistributing mental load and responsibilities
• Reducing demands
• Rethinking unrealistic expectations of parenting
The good news is that parental burnout can be managed. By addressing the balance between stressors and resources, research shows that the symptoms of parental burnout can improve, along with the associated stress hormone levels. So, if you’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional and get the support you need so you can get back to enjoying family life. The goal is to change the way we parent our children to make it sustainable and enjoyable.
An Important Message for Parents
Parenting was never meant to be done alone. If you are feeling burnout, it does not mean you are failing. It means you need more support and to reassess the way you are raising your children. We are here to support you. Do get in touch with usif you think you are experiencing parental burnout.
Continue Exploring
You can keep on reading about parental burnout, work-family balance, realistic parenting and mental load in other REC Parenting articles. We explore these issues through a contextual, psychological, and deeply human lens.
Related articles:
7 Myths about Parental Burnout
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
Do You Have Advice for Stress Relief for Parents?
References
Mikolajczak, M., Aunola, K., Sorkkila, M., & Roskam, I. (2023). 15 years of parental burnout research: Systematic review and agenda. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 32(4), 276-283.https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214221142777
Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2021). The slippery slope of parental exhaustion: A process model of parental burnout. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 77, 101354.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2021.101354
Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Gender differences in the nature, antecedents and consequences of parental burnout. Sex Roles, 83(7), 485-498. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-020-01121-5
Hays, S. (1998). The fallacious assumptions and unrealistic prescriptions of attachment theory: A comment on” Parents’ Socioemotional Investment in Children”. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(3), 782-790. https://doi.org/10.2307/353546
Lebert-Charron, A., Dorard, G., Wendland, J., & Boujut, E. (2021). Who are and are not the burnout moms? A cluster analysis study of French-speaking mothers. Journal of Affective Disorders Reports, 4, 100091. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadr.2021.100091
Mikolajczak, M., Brianda, M. E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2018). Consequences of parental burnout: Its specific effect on child neglect and violence. Child abuse & neglect, 80, 134-145.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.03.025
Brianda, M. E., Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Hair cortisol concentration as a biomarker of parental burnout. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 117, 104681.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104681
Ren, X., Cai, Y., Wang, J., & Chen, O. (2024). A systematic review of parental burnout and related factors among parents. BMC public health, 24(1), 376.https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-024-17829-y
Bogdán PM, Varga K, Tóth L, Gróf K, Pakai A. Parental Burnout: A Progressive Condition Potentially Compromising Family Well-Being-A Narrative Review. Healthcare (Basel). 2025 Jul 4;13(13):1603. doi: 10.3390/healthcare13131603. PMID: 40648627; PMCID: PMC12249155.
“Can you please tell us some redirection techniques that are effective and not harmful? Thank u”
Redirection techniques involve shifting a child’s focus from unwanted behaviour to a positive alternative.
Redirection techniques are:
- Physical guidance: move the child to a different location or activity
- Distraction: introduce a new activity
- Offer choices: e.g., “Would you like to read this book or this other book?”
- Verbal redirection (e.g., “You need to say ’please’)
When considering redirection techniques, it is important to be proactive, stay calm, be consistent, don’t give big reactions to unwanted behaviour, and praise good behaviour.
I hope this helps!
Ana
Related articles:
My 6-Year-Old Is Out of Control
I Need Psychologist Approved Ways to Discipline a Child Without Physical Harm
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by Age Guide
“Tips on parenting preschoolers who have spectrum disorders? I’m fostering my nieces and feeling overwhelmed.”
I think we would all feel overwhelmed if we were in your situation. It is not an easy one. I don’t know the age of your nieces or any specifics of your situation, but I think it would be good for you to consider the following ideas:
- Educate yourself about autistic spectrum disorder (ASD): get to know ASD, understand what it means, characteristics etc. Knowledge is power and this is especially true for carers of neurodivergent children. Knowledge will give you confidence to raise your nieces.
- Get to know your nieces: no two children with ASD are the same, get to know each of your nieces. Understand what they like, dislike, what triggers them, what keeps them calm… This can make a huge difference to your everyday life.
- Find your tribe: parenting is hard, but parenting neurodivergent children is tougher. Find support within your local community and seek online communities as well. Connecting with parents who are following a similar journey to yours can make a big difference.
- Take care of yourself: I know it is easy to say, but you must take care of yourself. You must be strong to be able to take care of your nieces. Be compassionate with yourself, acknowledge that you won’t get everything right, and it is OK, and remember that parenting is a skill, and like with every skill, the more you do it, the better you will get at it.
I wish you all the best,
Ana
Related articles:
Navigating Neurodivergent Parenthood
How to Support a 12 Year-Old with Autism and ADHD?
“Hi Dr. Ana, do you have any advice on how to deal with a narcissistic parent? I am an adult daughter with her own life, but my narcissistic mother is making things miserable by constantly criticizing and belittling me and trying to still control everything in my world and make it about her. I appreciate it!”
I am sorry to hear you are struggling with this. It must be difficult for you.
This type of problem usually appears because there are no clear boundaries between you and your mother. I strongly recommend that you seek the support of a therapist. The therapist will help you define what your boundaries are, communicate them to your mum, and be prepared to enforce consequences if your boundaries are crossed. The therapist will also give you the tools to manage your emotions and thoughts.
I would be very happy to help you find a therapist that will understand your needs.
I wish you the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
What Is a Narcissistic Parent?
Adult Children of Emotionally Inmature Parents
“Newly single dad here: how can I support my child’s education at home? He’s 11. Many thanks”
I hope you are doing OK in this new stage of your life.
The best thing you can do is to establish a good relationship with your son. To do so, you need to give him love and establish clear boundaries. Having a strong, warm, solid relationship with their parents is the biggest predictor of children’s success and mental health. So, spend time with him, make him feel valued, listen to him, get to know his friends, his likes and dislikes, do things together, involve him in your life… Show him you care. At the same time, establish a clear routine and clear boundaries. Children tend to do better when they know where they stand, when they know what they can and cannot do and why.
I am not sure how your relationship with your ex-partner is, but it is important that you always put your son’s interest first. The best thing for your is to have consistent rules at both houses. Ideally, your son will go to bed at the same time or have the same rules regarding screens at both houses, regardless of whether he is with you or your ex.
Your son is 11, so he is officially a tween, adolescence will start soon. During this time, your son will start to push away from you, and he will get close to his friends. This does not mean that he does not love you; it means that he is entering a new phase of his development. Change tends to bring stress because you will both need to adjust to a new situation. Keep talking to him, listen to him, and keep an open mind.
I hope this helps! I wish you both all the very best.
Regards,
Ana
Related articles:
Do You Have Any Lone Parent Advice?
I Am Newly Separated and Struggling
“Can teen parents actually be okay in the end or is it always destined to fail? my daughter is fifteen and pregnant, and i keep seeing horror stories of teen moms spiralling into drugs and sex work and horrible other things. She seems fairly stable with her boyfriend at this point, but they’re fifteen and who knows if they’ll stick together even though I of course hope so, so he can help with the baby. I’ll also help, but as a single dad I’m often away for work and am just worried that my daughter is not going to be okay. Thanks you for listening to my rant!”
I totally get you are worried about your daughter.
In general, teen mothers do have it more difficult, because they need to face extra challenges, but this does not mean they are destined to fail.
Here are some ideas that tend to help teenage mothers:
- Social Support is key: Your daughter is more likely to do well if she has your support and the support of other important adults in her life.
- Academic support: very often teen mothers drop out of school because they cannot juggle everything. Talk with her school, so that together you can all support her to finish school.
- Community support: I don’t know what type of community support there is in your local area but try to get as much support as you can and encourage your daughter to get involved. Often teenagers lack the confidence to ask for help, and they are afraid of being judged; encourage her to seek support.
- Parenting classes: ideally, she should start them during pregnancy, so she feels prepared once the baby arrives. Research shows that parents who feel well informed when they have a baby, tend to feel more confident raising their child. This is very positive for the baby and for the parent.
- Explore contraceptive options: teenage mothers are at a high risk of getting pregnant again, so with her and her doctor, look into contraceptive options.
- Discuss mental health: teenage mothers are at a high risk of developing depression; it may be a good idea to take her to a therapist if she shows signs of struggling with everything she is facing.
- Keep an eye on her diet: teenage mums are more likely to have a poor diet.
Finally, you also have a lot on your plate, so remember to take care of yourself. I hope this information helps. Do not hesitate to get in touch, if there is anything you want to discuss.
I wish you all the best.
Regards,
Ana
Related articles:
I Am a Teen Dad: Will I Be a Good Dad?
“I am 5 months pregnant right now and struggling. i was very excited to have a baby at first, but now i’d say that i have mid-pregnancy cold feet, even though so many other moms im friends with find this the best time of their lives and are so happy and excited and nesting, while i’m just dreading it all. what’s wrong with me?”
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Becoming a mother is a massive change, and it is totally normal to go through phases of euphoria, fear, panic, happiness, and everything in between. The problem is that because it is not socially acceptable to admit that you may be having negative feelings around motherhood, we don’t talk about it, and because we don’t talk about it, we feel that there is something wrong with us. Not at all. Whatever you are feeling, it is fine. The important thing is that you allow these negative feelings, that you acknowledge them, and if you can, share them with someone that gets it.
You are going through a process called matrescence. This is the process of becoming a mother and unfortunately, it is still a process that is not well understood, nor talked about. I feel very passionateabout spreading the word around matrescence and I coach women who are going through this process, let me know if you are interested.
Here are a few articles that will help you understand better what you are going through:
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
How to Survive a Newborn? It Is So Hard!
I hope this helps! I wish you all the best.
Regards,
Ana
“I’m sure this sounds like a dumb question but should I still have kids if I’m unsure? I tend to jump right into things without thinking, because I’m so uncertain about everything in life generally, but I guess kids is much different than a new car loan or changing a major in uni.”
This is not a dumb question at all! I can assure you, you are not the only one who is unsure about whether having kids is the right thing to do.
This is a very personal question that at the end of the day, only you can answer it. Some people choose to go to a therapist to explore their feelings and thoughts around it. Let me know if this is something you would like to explore.
As you say, having a child is a much more important decision than choosing a car loan or changing major. It is probably the most important decision you will make in your life because it does really change your life forever.
There is some research exploring whether people regret having kids. As you can imagine, this is a difficult area to examine because parents are usually reluctant to admit that they regret having children. It is a feeling that usually brings shame and therefore people do not like to discuss it. There was a study published in 2021 examining parents in the US and Europe and it suggested that around 8%-17% of parents regret having children. Another study examined people’s reasons for regretting having kids. The conclusion is that more than parents regretting having children, their regret was around the circumstances: number of kids they had, the timing of having kids, or the sacrifices they had to make.
I hope this helps! I wish you all the best.
Regards,
Ana
Related articles:
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
History of Mental Health Issues: Should I Have Kids?
Childhood Trauma: Will I Be a Good Parent?
“How should you manage screen time for children? I feel like my sons (10, 12, 15) are always staring at a phone or computer or TV, and they get incredibly aggressive when I try and limit it so I’m sure I’m doing it wrong and yes, i should have figured this out much earlier. Thank you!”
I can assure you that you are not the only one struggling with screens. I think this is something that all parents relate to. We did not grow up with screens, so as parents we don’t know how to deal with them.
Let’s see what you can do. I would first try to record for say, a week, how much screen time your kids are really having, when, and where they are using their screens. With this information, have a chat with them and tell them that given the information you have recorded, they are having too much screen time, and you think that as a family screen rules need to be re-established.
What kind of rules should you establish? Different families have different rules, but in general these tend to work:
1. Make it clear that the phone/computer/tv is yours. You pay for them and if they don’t follow the rules you set, there will be consequences.
2. Make it very clear that aggressiveness is not allowed. Under no circumstances.
3. Set the rules: how much screen time can they have per day, when, where, and what they can do with them.
4. Establish the consequences. Ideally, you want to establish connected consequences. For example, if your 10-year-old can play with the computer for 30 minutes, and he plays for longer, the following day his screen time will be reduced.
5. Establish the rules and be consistent. Rules should always be the same, and consequences when rules are broken should always be the same. If you have a partner, it is very important that you both agree to change the rules and that you both do the work to achieve it. Work as a team.
6.. They should never have screens in their bedrooms at night. They must give you all the screens before going to bed.
7. If you have not done it yet, install parental controls and monitor what they are doing. It is not the same if your 15-year-old spends an hour playing online with friends than if he spends an hour watching porn. Screen time is important, but it is also important what they are doing with the screens and what they are not doing because they are with the screen. Ideally, you want your sons to find a balance between homework, sports, time with friends and family, and screens.
Your sons will resist. They won’t want you to change the rules but remember that it is never too late to change the rules and that you are the parent, you are in charge. It is important that they understand why you are changing the rules because they are more likely to follow them, but if they refuse, it is perfectly fine for you say: “I am sorry if you don’t understand the new rules but I am your mother and because I love you, I am doing what is best for you”.
Regards,
Ana
Related articles:
Children, Mental Health, and Screens
My Teen Is Sexting: What Do I Do?
On Netflix’s Adolescence: Is the Internet Raising Our Kids?
“My son was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia, at age 15. I’m terrified and overwhelmed, I didn’t even know that this diagnosis could happen for a teen. Do you have advice on how I can help him, as a parent? He’s in therapy with a psychologist, but I want to make sure to support him as much as possible.”
I totally understand you are worried and overwhelmed.
Schizophrenia is a chronic mental health condition that affects how a person perceives reality, experiences emotions, thinks, and relates to others. It usually starts during late adolescence or early adulthood, so your son’s case is not uncommon.
Schizophrenia involves difficulty distinguishing between what is real and what is not. People usually experience hallucinations, delusions, changes in their social relations, motivation and emotional experience, and disorganized speech or thinking.
Whatever you hear, schizophrenia is not down to poor parenting or to personal weakness. It is a brain-based condition influenced by a combination of brain chemistry, environmental factors like stress, and genetics.
Schizophrenia is treatable. With psychological support, social support, and medication, people have stable and meaningful lives. Early diagnosis and consistent support can make a big difference.
His psychologist knows your son’s case, so I would recommend that you talk to him so he can explain how you can best support your son. Very often, family therapy is recommended to support patients with schizophrenia. In addition, it may be a good idea for you to have some therapy to process all the emotions and thoughts you must be experiencing. You are going through a difficult situation, and you need time, space, and support to deal with it.
I hope this helps and I wish you and your son the best of luck.
Regards,
Ana
Related articles:
What Are Your Thoughts on Anxiety Medication for Teenagers?
Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA): Everything You Need to Know
“Do you have advice on how to talk to kids so they listen?? I feel like my 11 year old is just become completely deaf to me in the past 6 months”
Welcome to the teenage years! It is not that your child has suddenly become deaf but that he is going through the process of individuation. He is separating from you and he is become closer to his friends and peers. The first years of adolescence can be particularly difficult because your relationship needs to evolve and adapt to your child’s evolving needs. This is what adolescence is all about.
It is normal to have moments when you find your teenager difficult. Consider that your child is separating from you, they are figuring out who they are, and where they fit in the world. It is a lot for them to take in! They are changing and therefore we must change with them and adapt to this new phase of parenting. When our children reach adolescence, our role needs to change from being a manager to being a consultant. Consider that both you and your child are going through a period of change, and change = stress.
If you feel your child is not listening to you, have a chat – a chat ,not a lecture – with him and together discuss about expectations. Tell your teen that you understand he is going through a lot but that you feel he is not listening to you, and this is not good for your relationship. Give him a couple of examples when you felt he did not listen, otherwise he may not know what you are talking about. Do not assume he knows how you feel, you need to tell him.
Talk to your teen about the importance of practicing mutuality. This means that relationships are not one sided. They are about giving and taking. This will help your relationship with them but also it will serve as a model for future relationships. It will not do them any good in their future relationships if they think that they are all about them.
I wish you both the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
My 12-Year-Old Is Misbehaving at School
Discussing Teen Sex: Talking to Your Teen about Sex
“should I have kids if I have a history of mental health problems, both myself and in my family?”
This is a decision that only you can make. Most mental health disorders are caused by a combination of genetic factors along with environmental factors that may ‘turn on’ or ‘turn off’ those genes.
Does the fact that you have a history of mental health problems mean your children have a higher risk of developing them? Yes. Does this mean that your children will develop mental health problems for sure? No.
I understand you are concerned about this, and I suggest you talk to your doctor whom, knowing your medical history and that of your family, can help you make an informed decision and design a plan of action should you decide to have children.
I wish you the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
What Is a Narcissistic Parent?
Can Men Get Postpartum Depression?
Born or Made: What Really Shapes Our Children?
“my 4 year old is out of control do you have any advice? he’s peeing on things purposefully, trying to rip things off the walls, tearing at furniture, etc.”
It seems that your son is having trouble self-regulating. What you need to do is set up a clear behaviour strategy around him. This is how you do it:
- You must make it clear that any kind of violent behaviour is unacceptable.
- Do not be scared or anxious around him when he becomes violent because sensing your anxiety may make him become more anxious and cause his violent behaviour to escalate. So, as difficult as you may find it, try to keep calm no matter what he does.
- Tell him that every time he is violent, there will be a consequence. The consequence can be taking a privilege away for a period. I don’t know what he likes, but it could be taking her tablet away for three days or not having playdates for a week. The key here is to be very consistent: there must be a consequence every single time he gets violent.
- Do not try to reason with him while he is in the middle of an angry outburst because he simply cannot focus on what you are saying when he is so dysregulated.
- At the same time, you need to help him learn to regulate his emotions. Once the angry outburst has passed, you tell him that it is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to hit others or break things. Then you need to give him alternatives: instead of hitting when you feel angry what can you do? You could outside and run around in the garden, or you could close your fists tightly.
- It is important that everyone who cares for your son (father, grandparents, babysitters) follow this same approach. Consistency is very important.
- It is also important that he has a consistent routine: he should get enough sleep, follow a healthy diet, spend time outdoors, play sports, and see friends and family.
- Praise him. Children like to please their parents, so whenever he does something good, praise him and smile at him: “Look how well you have shared with your brother”; “You have helped me so much today”.
- Regarding the peeing, you want to make it more rewarding for him to use the toilet. Praise him every time he uses the toilet, and you may consider giving him a small reward or creating a reward chart. Whenever he pees anywhere else, don’t give him a big reaction and say something like: “Oh you pee over here. Let’s clean it up”. Pass him some paper towels and have him help cleaning. Then tell him he must remember to use the toilet whenever he needs to pee. Tell him that everyone uses the toilet. Do this every time he pees anywhere but the toilet.
- Finally, always remember your child is not bad or aggressive. It is just that sometimes he behaves aggressively.
Whereas it is not developmentally unusual for children to be violent at times, if he does not manage to regulate his angry outbursts, it may be a good idea talking to her paediatrician in case there is something else going on. I would also talk to his teacher to see how he is behaving at school: is he having violent outburst also in school? Does he have friends and get on well with other children. If at school he is behaving OK, it suggests that he is able to regulate herself.
Finally, do not forget to take care of yourself. You are going through a difficult situation, and it is important you feel strong to deal with it.
I hope this information helps and I wish you all the very best. If you want to discuss it more detail, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
My 5 Year Old Is Not Listening at Kindergarten
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
“my 6 year old is out of control. Screaming, hitting, breaking all the rules she’s been so good at following, lashing out at me and her dad and brother, even kids in the playground this week. I don’t think I can take her to play at the park anymore because she swung at a little kid there yesterday. Last year she was so excited and happy with Christmas being so close but this year she’s a ****ing terror and I don’t know what to do with her. do you have any advice please?”
First, let me tell you that your daughter is having trouble self-regulating. She is not violent or nasty.
What you need to do is set up a clear behaviour strategy around her. This is how you do it:
- You must make it clear that any kind of violent behaviour is unacceptable.
- Do not be scared or anxious around her when she becomes violent because sensing your anxiety may make her become more anxious and cause her violent behaviour to escalate. So, as difficult as you may find it, try to keep calm no matter what she does.
- Tell her that every time she is violent, there will be a consequence. The consequence can be taking a privilege away for a period. I don’t know what she likes, but it could be taking her tablet away for three days or not going to the park for a few days. Or the consequence could be forcing her to do something, like taking the bins out every evening for a week or laying the table for a week. The key here is to be very consistent: there must be a consequence every single time she gets violent.
- Do not try to reason with her while she is in the middle of an angry outburst because she simply cannot focus on what you are saying when she is so dysregulated.
- At the same time, you need to help her learn to regulate her emotions. Once the angry outburst has passed, you tell her that it is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to hit others. Then you need to give her alternatives: instead of hitting when you feel angry what can you do? You could count to 10 while you calm down, you could go outside and run around in the garden, or you could close your fists tightly. You can work with her to find out which strategy works best for her.
- It is important that everyone that cares for your daughter (father, grandparents, babysitters) follow this same approach. Consistency is very important.
- Tell her that you are going to always love her no matter what. That you are always going to be by her side.
- It is also important that she has a consistent routine: she should get enough hours or sleep, follow a healthy diet, spends time outdoors, plays sports, and sees friends and family.
Whereas it is not developmentally unusual for children to be violent at times, if she does not manage to regulate her angry outbursts, it may be a good idea talking to her paediatrician in case there is something else going on. I would also talk to her teacher to see how she is behaving at school: is she also having violent outbursts in school? Is her academic achievement OK? Does she have friends and get on well with other children? If at school she is behaving OK, it suggests that she is able to regulate herself.
Also, consider if there have been any changes in her life: has she moved schools recently? Have you moved home? Have you divorced or has someone died in the family? Changes in children’s life may explain changes in behaviour.
Finally, do not forget to take care of yourself. You are going through a difficult situation, and it is important you feel strong to deal with it.
I hope this information helps and I wish you all the very best. If you want to discuss it more detail, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-By-Age Guide
My 7-Year-Old Is Out of Control: She Hits Me
How Much Screen Time Should a 7-Year-Old Have?
“I don’t want to go deeply into my own childhood trauma details, but let me just say that as a child I was SA’d and abused by my father for years. Now, I’m considering having children myself but I am concerned that these impusles/depravities might be genetic and I might end up hurting my own children as much as I was, and not be able to stop it. Is this something that can be carried through bloodlines, unable to be avoided or restrained?”
First, let me tell you that I am very sorry about what you had to go through and that I hope you are doing OK. Second, the fact that you are here asking for support, is a very clear sign that you want to do things differently if you become a parent.
Having been abused does not necessarily mean you will be an abusive parent. It is true that some victims of abuse go on to become abusive parents, perhaps because this is the only way they know to relate to their children. But it is also the case, that some people who were abused are incredibly aware that they do not want to hurt their children and develop a very strong motivation to protect their children.
So, the answer to your question is: NO. The fact you were abused does not mean you will be an abusive parent. I do not know if you have gone to therapy or are in therapy, but I believe that it would be a very good idea for you to discuss your thoughts and emotions with a therapist.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
Born or Made: What Really Shapes Our Children?
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
“What do you think about couple therapy? my Husband and I are struggling after the newborn stage and it feels like something broke in our relationship when we went through all that stress and strain, but I don’t want to give up. He doesn’t want to try, says it’s useless. But could it be helpful for us as new-ish parents and have a good impact on our 1 1/2 year old daughter by proxy?”
Becoming a parent is a major life transition and as such, it can strain a relationship. So, couples therapy may definitely be a good idea.
A therapist can help you work through whatever issues you are going through and as you rightly say, this may be good for your daughter as well. Children can be negatively impacted when their parents struggle. When parents are struggling, they are more likely to feel stressed, and stress in general does not go well with parenting.
Couples therapy usually involves weekly or biweekly sessions and may include ‘homework’ between sessions to continue working. In most cases, the couple meet with the therapist, but individual sessions are often also part of the process. A good therapist will tell you at the beginning what the planned length of therapy is. Typically, at least 12 sessions or so will be required. During sessions, the therapist acts as a mediator, allowing open communication and supporting both partners to share their emotions and thoughts respectfully and freely.
It is not uncommon for people to refuse to attend couple’s therapy or any type of therapy. Why? They may be worried about being blamed or judged, worried that it won’t work, worried that the therapist will take sides or about what others may think.
When is couple’s therapy a good idea? When there are:
- Communication issues
- Trust or infidelity concerns
- Sexual or intimacy difficulties
- Financial conflicts
- Parenting challenges
If your husband refuses to go to therapy, it may still be a good idea for you to attend alone. The therapist will give you insights to navigate your relationship challenges and to navigate your own challenges. Do not forget that becoming a mother is a massive change for any woman that should not be underestimated.
You may find these articles useful:
What Do I Do to Have my Partner Help Me More?
Staying Connected as a Couple When We Become Parents
How to Deal with the In-Laws: Th Good, Bad, and Ugly
I wish you all the best.
Ana
“My 6 year old daughter is getting bullied at school because she still believes in Santa Claus, flying reindeer, Christmas elves, Mrs. Claus, magic in general, the whole shebang… She absolutely loves this aspect of the season, but she’s also miserable and comes back crying every day because of this. What can I do that won’t burst her little magic bubble yet, but also protect her? is it possible to do both?”
Research shows that most children find the truth about Santa around age 8. So, your daughter is showing typical and normative behaviour believing in Santa.
You need to validate her feelings: “I understand you are upset because children are teasing you. It is wrong to behave that way”. And then practice with her how to react to them. Ideally, she does not want to give the bullies a big reaction, because that will reinforce their behaviour (I know this is really difficult for a 6-year-old). You can roleplay the situation, and she could practice saying something to them like: “You can believe what you want and I can believe what I want” or “OK, I am going to play”.
I would also talk to her teacher, so she is aware of what is happening. Bullying should not be happening, and it should be dealt with straight away. Ask your daughter who is doing the bullying, and when and where it is happening.
Finally, reinforce her social relations. Have friends over for playdates. Having one good friend will make her feel much stronger and confident.
I hope this information helps. It breaks my heart to think of your little one being bullied because she believes in Santa. I hope she has the most wonderful Christmas.
Ana
Related articles:
Santa and the Psychology Behind It
How Can We Stop Bullying in Schools as Parents?
Christmas and Mothers’ Mental Load
“Do you have any ideas on how to help a depressed mother? My daughter in law is struggling with her mental health and I’m worried it’ll affect my grandkids too”
As you very well know, becoming a mother is the biggest transition a woman will ever experience, yet no one really prepares us for it. No wonder your daughter in law is struggling!
Here are some ideas for you to consider:
- Giver her a hand: you can offer to do some of the housework, take your grandchildren out for a few hours so your daughter-in-law can do something she enjoys or send her some food, so she does not need to cook.
- I don’t know how your relationship is, but you could suggest her to see a mental health professional specialized in maternal mental health. Do get in touch with me if this is something you would like to explore.
- Be open about depression: sometimes it is difficult to open up and share how we feel. Tell her that it is OK to feel whatever she is feeling, that you won’t judge her, and that you are ready to listen.
- Really listen: ask her questions and listen to what she has to say. Show her how good it can feel to open up.
- Sometimes a person who is experiencing depression may reject any help. It is understandable for you to feel frustrated but to remain calm and accept that there is only so much you can do.
- Keep in touch: just a text or a quick call will remind her that you are there for her.
- I don’t know the age of your grandchildren but make sure you are there for them and let them feel listened and loved.
- Talk to your son: discuss how best to support her.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
How to Survive a Newborn? It Is So Hard!
I Am Depressed and Cannot Connect with my Child
“my girlfriend is pregnant but i don’t know if I’m prepared, what are some tips that you have for a first time father?”
Having your first child can feel terrifying. After all, it is like jumping into a pool without knowing if the water is going to be very cold, very hot, with a strong current, calm, deep or shallow…. We basically jumpand hope for the best.
Having said this, here are a few ideas for you to reflect about:
- Knowledge is power. I don’t know if you are familiar with kids or not, but learning about child development and parenting will make you feel better equipped. The REC Parenting website is full of information and useful tools.
- Parenting, like everything in life is a skill. The more you practice it, the better you will become at it. There is no manual of how to be the perfect parent, we all learn as we go along.
- You won’t enjoy every single moment of being a father and it is OK. You may hate changing nappies, going to the park, or the endless nights. It is OK, not loving every single moment of it does not make you a bad person, weird, or a bad father. I promise you that most people feel that way even if they don’t say it aloud. Whatever you feel is totally fine.
- Don’t try to be the perfect father. The perfect father does not exist. Focus on having a close relationship with your child. Children need love and limits.
- Be prepared for your relationship with your girlfriend to change: Even the most solid relationships often struggle with the seismic shift that comes with introducing a baby into the family. Keep communicating with one another. Talk, talk, talk to each other so you both understand how you feel.
- Think about the mental load. The mental load is all the things that we need to do to keep our family and the house going. The mental load increases massively when we have a child, and it usually falls on the woman. Discuss how you are going to share it fairly.
- Becoming a parent means making many decisions. From sleeping arrangements, to whether you are going to breastfeed or not, how you will organize work and taking care of the baby, what kind of education you will choose…. the more in alignment you both are, the easier it will be.
I hope this information helps. I will leave you some more resources you may find useful and do not hesitate to get in touch if you want to discuss it further. I wish you all the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
Staying Connected as a Couple When You Become Parents
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
Parenting Experts: How to Decide Who to Trust
“Do you have any advice on how to end my relationship with my abusive long-distance mother? I don’t want to shut it down without any notice or discussion or understanding, I want to make this as gentle as possible for her, but I can’t keep going with this toxic relationship that’s emotionally and mentally abusive to me, and is only not physically abusive after I moved far away. I’m a 35 y/o woman and an only child to her as a single mother (and she sometimes says I’m her only reason to keep living), so I know this will hit her hard no matter what. Do you have any tips?”
I am very sorry to hear this. The best tip I can give you is to seek psychological therapy to help you work through all the negative emotions you have about your mother and to cut ties with her if this is what you really want.
I do not recommend you go through this process alone because although I can understand that this decision may be what you need, it will not be easy. People who go through this process may find space to heal but they often talk about feeling guilt, remorse, sadness, and relief. At the same time people often say that it is difficult to deal with the stigma associated with it. Cultural stigma (e.g., “But she is your mother, and you only get one”) is usually specially challenging for daughters who cut contact with their mother. You need support to process all these emotions.
I do not know the details of your relationship with your mother but before cutting ties with her, it may be worth exploring ways to work on your relationship. It may be that you take a contact break, you have limited contact, or that you work to set stronger boundaries.
Going “no contact” may be what you need but it will not solve all the deep feelings you have about your mother. You will still have a lot of very complex feelings to unpack, cultural stigma to deal with, and you may have family members who will not understand your decision. This is why I encourage you to get psychological support.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
How Should I Cut Ties with a Toxic Daughter?
How to Deal with In-Laws: The Good, the Bad and Ugly
How to Help a Mother with Bipolar Disorder?
“I’ve heard of family therapy activities for relationship building, can this also work for kids and step parents and do you have recommendations or ideas? I want to build the healthiest relationship I can with my new stepdaughter”.
You are not the only one trying to make your blended family work. Statistics show that in US 65% of people are part of a blended family. I think it is great that you want to establish a good relationship with your stepdaughter, but I don’t think you need to engage in therapy activities or go to therapy to do so.
I do not know how your family situation is or your stepdaughter’s age, but my suggestion is that you build a relationship with her from a place of love, fun, and understanding.
Here are a few things that may help you:
- Start the relationship with no expectations. If you have any expectations (e.g., she will come to you for advice, you will go shopping together….) ditch them. The best thing you can do is to let the relationship develop organically and see where it takes you.
- Let her set the pace. Rushing things is never a good idea. Take your time getting to know her. Building a relationship with a stepchild is not an instant thing. Be patient.
- Invite her to participate in some of your hobbies and take an interest in activities she enjoys.
- Respect her relationship with your partner.
- Do not try to take her mum’s place. You can position yourself as a trusted adult. As someone she can come to for support and to have fun with. Never criticize her mum.
- A topic that is usually tricky amongst blended families is discipline. Agree with your partner on a discipline strategy. Many families have a system where the biological parent disciplines the child with the support of the stepparent.
At the end of the day, it is about finding out what works for your stepdaughter, your new partner and you. Communication is key.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
I am in Love with my Ex: Will It Impact How We Co-Parent Our Son?
My Ex Is Not Very Involved with our Baby
“Do you think that social emotional learning activities are still beneficial for teenagers?”
In general, social emotional learning activities can be beneficial for teens. Having said this, if your teenager is doing well, there is no need to engage in specific activities. If your teen is sleeping well, eating well, doing well at school, exercises, spends time with friends and family, and has no issues with screen time, I would not feel the need to engage in any specific activity.
I hope this helps and I wish you both the very best!
Ana
Related articles:
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
How to Face the Exam Season: When Anxiety Runs High
Is Teenage Depression a School-Age Fad?
“My preschooler is out of control. he is 3.5 years old and won’t stop fighting with his older brother (5 years old) including punching, hitting, and kicking without provocation that I can see. It’s also started to become public meltdowns where he’ll lose his mind over nothing and I have to peel him off of the pavement and dodge his little fists as he screams so hard he stops breathing right. He’salways been so sweet, but not anymore. What on earth can I do? The doc says there’s nothing actually physically wrong and now my other kids and pets are starting to give him a wide bearth, I just feel like I’m failing.”
I would like to start thinking about you first: You are not failing. When our child shows difficult behaviours, it is easy to think that we are failing as parents but that is not it. You are doing the best you can with the tools you have. Try to let go of your guilt. As parents we all go through challenging periods.
Now let’s think about your child:
- You mention he is displaying this challenging behaviour at home. What about nursery or preschool? Is he displaying similar behaviour? Talk to his teacher to find out if you have not done so.
- Has something happened in his life? Have you gone through a divorce, have you moved homes, or had a new baby?
- If your child is behaving this way at home and at nursery, it could suggest that he is having trouble regulating his emotions. This is something very common for children his age.
- Whenever he hits his older brother gently tell him: “No, you cannot hit/scream/bite”. Tell him every time he behaves that way.
- Whenever he throws a tantrum wait for it to pass. Do not give in to whatever it is he wants because if you reinforce his behaviour, he will do it again. I know it can be incredibly difficult to watch your child scream and kick but it the best thing to do. Stay close, make sure he is safe, and wait it out. It is useless trying to reason with him once the tantrum has started because he cannot reason.
- Keep these strategies and be consistent. Consistency is key.
- It is likely that as your toddler gets better at speaking, he will no longer have the need to behave aggressively. Sometimes, toddlers behave aggressively because they get frustrated when they cannot convey their feelings and thoughts to us.
- Praise him. Children like to please their parents, so whenever he does something good, praise him and smile at him: “Look how well you have shared with your brother”; “You have helped me so much today”.
- Establish a consistent routine so your child knows when it is time to go to bed, have a bath, eat, and play. Children need clear boundaries and routines because it brings them security and stability.
- Finally, always remember your child is not bad or aggressive. It is only that sometimes he behaves aggressively.
I hope these strategies work. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss if further.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
Related articles:
