“I want full custody of my son, but i’m a teen guy and I’m worried that i won’t have the emotional depth that a woman has, even though his mom is not wanting custody herself”
This must be a very difficult situation for you but the fact that you are here asking for advice shows that you want to do what is right for your baby.
Men and women are equally capable of taking care of children. It does not mean that just because you are a guy you will be worse at it than your baby’s mum.
What is difficult is being a teen dad. It is difficult because you are not fully grown, your brain has not finished developing, so taking care of a baby will be hard.
My advice is that you educate yourself about how children develop (e.g., how to feed him, how much they should sleep, what is ‘normal’ development….). Knowing about it, will make you feel more secure and confident about what you are doing. At REC Parenting you can find a wealth of science-based information about children’s development.
It is also very important that you have a support system around you: your parents, other family members, friends… you will need people to talk to, people to help you. It is also good for your baby to have other adults in his life that love him and take care of him.
Manage your expectations: the beginning will be hard, very hard. As you get the hang of it, things will become easier. It is important you establish a routine for you and your baby.
I don’t know where you live but you will probably experience people judging you and social stigma. Trust those whom you love and ignore the opinions and judgements of people not important to you.
It is also very important you take care of your own mental health. When parents struggle with their mental health, they are less able to take care of their children, they pay less attention to their children’s needs, and the quality of the family’s life gets worse.
Children who grow up with parents who struggle with their mental health, experience more stress. Growing up with a lot of stress is not good for children. So, make sure you feel strong to take care of your baby. Do ask for help if you are struggling. Struggling when caring for a baby does not make you a bad father or weak.
Have a think about how you regulate your own emotions. A big part of taking care of our children has to do with being able to regulate our own emotions. If you struggle to keep calm when you are stressed or experience frequent anger outbursts, seek help.
I leave you here some articles that I think will be helpful:
Do You Have Any Lone Parent Advice?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
Parenting Experts: How to Decide Who to Trust
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
Do reach out if you need support. I am more than happy to support you. I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Do you have advice on how to teach toddlers feelings and emotions in a way that they can understand?”
Your question is really important because emotional competence is a key skill for children to develop. There is plenty of research showing that children who are emotionally competent tend to do better in life.
A very important way in which children learn about it is by watching us. Children learn more from what we do than from what we say. So, if you want your child to manage his emotions effectively, he must watch you manage them that way. You child is more likely to keep calm under stressful situations if you are calm. If you totally lose your cool, he will also be more likely to lose it.
In general, it is a good idea to validate their emotions (e.g., “I can see you are upset”) but do not amplify them. The idea is to say something like: “I know you are upset, let’s see what we can do about it”, instead of: “I see you are upset, and you are right because this is horrible”). Do not belittle or ridicule their emotions (e.g., “Don’t be silly, there is no reason to cry”). Always praise him when he regulates his emotions well (e.g., “Look how welk you have done. You were angry with your sister but you managed not to hit her”). Children are more likely to repeat those behaviours that we reinforce.
The idea is that you teach your child the tools to manage whatever emotion he feels. The message is: whatever you feel it is OK (there are no right or wrong emotions), and you must express those emotions in a way that is appropriate (e.g., if you feel angry you can say it but you cannot hit).
Finally, remember that the idea is not for your child to avoid any uncomfortable emotions because under certain situations, like a new playdate, they are meant to feel some anxiety. The idea is for him to learn to manage whatever emotions he experiences in an effective manner.
Here are a few more articles you may find helpful:
My 3-Year-Old Meltdowns over Everything
Why my Toddler Says No to Everything?
Tips on Toddler Aggression: When to Worry?
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
I hope this information helps.
Love,
Ana
“Do you recommend educational toys for 1 year old kids? or is that too young for educational-type toys that aren’t just sensory or whatnot”
A 1 year old is like a little scientist. They are constantly trying things to see what happens: “What happens if I throw the carrot to the floor, does it come back or stay there?; “What happens if I touch that candle”, “What is behind that door?” This means that at this age they learn from everything they do. Not just from playing with toys. One-year olds are very happy playing with plastic bowls and lids, cardboard boxes, a pot and a spoon and any other treasures that we all have around the house.
Appropriate toys for 1-year olds are those that help them develop their hand-eye coordination, physical development, and motor skills:
- Books: board books, touch books, activity books
- Toys to pretend with: animals, vehicles, dolls…
- Toys to build with: wooden blocks, shape sorters
- Toys to practice their motor skills: puzzles, large pegboards, toys with knobs, lids, switches, or dials, big and small balls.
- Musical toys
Parents also wonder about the number of toys children should have. It does not matter how many toys children have but the number of toys children have available at any given time. A study conducted in 2017 suggests that toddlers between 18 and 30 months played better when they had four toys at the same time. It seems that with fewer toys children played for longer and their quality of play was better.
So, if you want to buy toys for your child, great. But do not feel the need to buy them plenty of toys because they learn from everything they have around them.
I hope this information helps.
Love,
Ana
Related articles:
How to Encourage Brain Development in the First Year
Can You Discipline a 1 Year-Old?
Lullaby Songs and Why They Work
“Hi Dr. Ana, I have a slightly silly question about how to co parent with someone you still love? i know my ex and I are not compatible anymore, but I still love him so much and worried that it’s going to start impacting how we parent our son together.”
This is not at all a silly question! I would say it is quite a difficult situation for you to face. Co-parenting is never easy, co-parenting with an ex is even more complicated, and if you are still in love with your ex it makes it even more complicated!
The most important thing is that even if it is difficult, you must always put your child’s interests first. Remember that what matters for children is not the divorce itself, but the level of conflict between their parents.
You need to find a way to co-parent effectively with your ex. Co-parenting refers to the relationship between parents that goes beyond the romantic relationship. Parents who co-parent successfully are those who cooperate, support each other, confide and trust in each other, and who experience low conflict levels related to their children.
Research shows that co-parenting quality is an important factor determining mental health in children. Co-parenting is key to maintaining family well-being and high-quality relationships between family members. Regardless of whether the parents are together or divorced, children whose parents work well together to raise them, tend to be better off during early childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
Here are some thoughts you should consider and reflect about:
- It is usually a good idea to create a parenting plan. In this article we explain how to do it and why it is a good idea.
- Keep a united front. You are not together but you should try to remain a team for your child. Your child is likely to do better if both parents stick to the same rules and routines. It is not good for children to live with parents that have a very difficult relationship and fight a lot. Never use your child as a weapon to hurt your ex or use him as a messenger between you and your ex.
- Be respectful towards your ex-partner. Refer to him in a nice way and try to appreciate his good points. This may sound difficult but consider it from your child’s point of view. Your son seems himself as being a part of each one of you, so if you are constantly trashing your ex, think how this will make your son feel about himself.
- Remember also that it is better for your child to have consistent rules and limits at both houses. Ideally, your child will go to bed at the same time or have the same rules regarding screen time, regardless of whether he is with you or your ex.
- Tell your child that you and your ex don’t love each other like you used to but that you both will always love them and that nothing that has happened is their fault.
- Take care of yourself. The pain you feel now will most likely fade away with a bit of time. It is normal to feel pain after a breakup, especially if you are still in love with him. Seeing friends, spending time outdoors, exercising, sleeping well and doing things you enjoy, will help you deal with your emotions during this time.
These articles may also be useful:
I Am Newly Separated and Struggling
Create a Successful Parenting Plan (& Parenting Template Ideas)
I wish you all the very best and if you want to discuss it further, do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Lots of love,
Ana
“Is Halloween safe for children? My pastor and my mother both have been telling me that I shouldn’t let my twins dress up and go out, because it’s the devil’s night and dangerous anyway because people might try to kidnap my kids on Halloween, but it’s the twins’ first Halloween that they’re old enough to kinda enjoy (almost 2 y/o girls) but I don’t want to anger my mom or the congregation as they already judge me as a teen mom. I guess I’m just worried also because I haven’t had experience with a Halloween fun time as I was never allowed to growing up (I’m 17 now )but i want the girls to enjoy holidays and be normal as much as possible so i don’t mess them up even though I’m a young mom”
Thank you very much for reaching out. It must be tough for you being 17 and raising twins. I hope you are doing OK.
There are two issues at play here. One is whether Halloween is dangerous, and the other one is whether it goes against your beliefs. Let’s start with the first one.
Halloween does pose some risks for children. The most important one is cars: children are more than twice as likely to get hit by a car while trick-or-treating than on any other night of the year. Your twins are very little, so I imagine they still go out and about in a pushchair. Help drivers see you by carrying glow sticks or flashlights or wear light colours to help drivers see you. Other than the risk of cars, with your two-year-olds you should keep an eye on what they have in their mouths (e.g., hard sweets, jellybeans…) to avoid them choking. Finally, look for costumes which ‘flame resistant’ on the costume labels. As you see, there are some issues to consider when planning Halloween, but millions of children go trick or treating every year, and they manage to stay safe and have a great time. As a mum, it is important you consider the risk that different situations or activities they may entail but it is also important not to let fear control your decisions.
The second issue you mention is whether Halloween goes against your beliefs and the beliefs of your mum and your community. Is it right or wrong for children to celebrate Halloween? There is not a right or wrong answer. It entirely depends on your values. If Halloween is something you want your kids to experience, go for it. If on the contrary, it goes against your values, it is totally fine as well. You will see that with many parenting decisions, there are no right or wrong answers, it depends on your values and beliefs. Listen to what your mum and your pastor have to say and then decide what you want for your children based on your own values.
Being a young mum must be very tough, and it is wonderful you are supported by your mum, your pastor and your community but don’t let them judge you. Sending this email, you are clearly showing that you care about your twins, and you are trying you best. Love your children, set them limits, and raise them following your own beliefs and values. I wish you all the very best and if have more questions or doubts, please do reach out.
Sending you tons of love,
Ana
Related articles:
Developmental Milestones at 2 Years Old
What Should a 2-Year-Old Know?
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
“Do you have any lone parent advice? I am newly single dad after my girlfriend left, and I am struggling (don’t have any family in the state either)”
I am sorry to hear you are struggling but not at all surprised. If parenting with someone else is hard, parenting on your own is even harder.
You are finding it particularly hard now because everything is new, and you and your child need to adapt to this new situation. Think that as you get used to your new situation, things will get easier.
You mention that you don’t have any family close by. However, parenting was never meant to be done alone. You need to find your tribe. If your child goes to nursery or school, are there any parents that you can team up with? Or maybe any neighbours with kids? You could organize carpools, or playdates in each other houses, so you all get “time off” to get things done and possibly some rest when it is not your turn to take care of the kids.
There are many mothers and fathers in your situation. According to the Pew Research Center, between 25% to 30% of children under the age of 18 in the US live in a single-parent household. In general, research tends to find no differences between children living with two parents and children living with one parent. Try to find dads in your same situation. There are online communities of single dads that you could join and maybe there are also single dad groups in your local area.
Single parents bear the burden of making difficult parenting decisions on their own. This is why it is important that you understand how much parents matter so you do not agonize over decisions that do not matter that much. What matters for child development? The most important predictor in children’s development is whether they have a good relationship with their parents. Children tend to do better when their parents are loving, caring, and set up clear and consistent rules. This is why children who have authoritative parents tend to do better than children of parents who favour other parenting styles. Usually, small decisions which parents tend to worry about do not make a big difference in how their child turns out. Your child’s future does not depend totally on you. Focus on the quality of your relationship. Give your child lots of love and provide consistent rules. Try not to worry about every single decision you make, because most likely it will not matter in the long term
Single parenthood can be particularly tough on your mental health. It is important that you take care of yourself to manage your stress and avoid burnout. Remember that when in the case of parents: self-care is childcare. Your child needs you to be strong and well. Create boundaries, ask for help, and remember that you do not need to be the perfect father. The perfect parent does not exist, we all make mistakes and it is not the end of the world.
You may find these articles useful:
Do You Have Advice for Stress Relief for Parents?
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
I wish you all the very best. If you need support, please do not hesitate to get in touch.
Love,
Ana
“What is soft parenting? is it the same as gentle? And is it recommended by professionals like you?”
From what I’ve seen soft parenting is gentle parenting but taken to the extreme. It is important to know that these new parenting styles, such as soft, gentle, Fafo, Type C Parenting… crop up in social media but are not evidence based. There is no research examining their links with children’s developmental outcomes. In addition, I am particularly against gentle and soft parenting because many parents in their attempt to follow their guidelines, fail to set clear boundaries to their children. Children need boundaries. Love and boundaries.
My suggestion is that you ignore these new parenting styles and instead focus on trying to be an authoritative parent. There are hundreds of studies showing that authoritative parenting is the gold standard of parenting.
Authoritative parents are loving, caring, and warm. They encourage trust and intimacy. They set high expectations and clear rules. Children understand those rules and what the consequences are when they break them. Parents take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings. Children feel safe and secure because their parents are consistent and establish clear routines. Children of authoritative parents are the ones who tend to do best. These children tend to be well adjusted, have good social skills, do well in school, and have high self-esteem
However, keep in mind that being an authoritative parent will not mean that your child will turn out fine. Sadly, it is much more complex than that and here are the reasons:
1. Parenting styles explain children’s outcomes to some extent, but they are not the only factor explaining how children turn out.
2. If you have noticed, I have said that “children tend to…”. Why? Because even though research shows that authoritative parents tend to have children who do better, we cannot 100% say that all children whose parents are authoritative do well. It is not that simple. Some children with authoritative parents don’t do well at all, and some children with neglectful parents, do very well despite of their upbringing.
3. Parenting styles are not separate containers where parents ‘fall in”. We should think about parenting styles as a continuum. For example, you can be mostly authoritative with a touch of permissiveness.
4. At different stages and circumstances of your life, your parenting style may change. For example, when parents go through stressful situations, they tend to become more authoritarian, their parenting turns harsher.
5. If you have more than one child, it may be that you have a different parenting style with each one of them. Why? Because parents influence their children, but children also influence their parents. Different children provoke different reactions in you and that will influence your parenting.
So, try to be authoritative as often as possible because we know that it is best for our children. But also remember that you won’t always get it right and it is OK. Your child does not need a perfect mother.
Here are some articles on parenting styles you may find helpful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
Permissive Parenting Style: Characteristics and Effects
Authoritarian Parenting: What’s It About?
What Is Helicopter Parenting? Characteristics and Consequences
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“As someone who grew up with “spare the rod and spoil the child”, is there any advantages of authoritarian parenting as a style? Thank you!”
The ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ approach you mentioning is an authoritarian parenting style. Authoritarian parents are cold and demanding. Parents expect their children to do as they are told. Good behavior is always expected. Rules are strict, non-negotiable, and not clearly explained. They do not encourage intimacy nor trust. Children’s opinions and desires are not considered. When authoritarian parents discipline their children, they don’t explain to their child why their behaviour was wrong. They use punishments and may get physical. They tend to be harsh and coercive. Parents may tell their children that they won’t love then anymore if they misbehave.
Children whose parents are authoritarian are more likely to have: mental health issues such as depression and anxiety, low self-esteem, poor social skills, behavioural problems, do poorly at school, and be hostile and rebellious towards their parents.
Authoritarian parenting is not the best for our children, instead we should all try to be authoritative as much as we can. Authoritative parents are loving, caring, and warm. They encourage trust and intimacy. They set high expectations and clear rules. Children understand those rules and what the consequences are when they break them. Parents take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings. Children feel safe and secure because their parents are consistent and establish clear routines. Children of authoritative parents are the ones who tend to do best. These children tend to be well adjusted, have good social skills, do well in school, and have high self-esteem.
However, keep in mind that being an authoritative parent will not mean that your child will turn out fine. Sadly, it is much more complex than that and here are the reasons:
1. Parenting styles explain children’s outcomes to some extent, but they are not the only factor explaining how children turn out.
2. If you have noticed, I have said that “children tend to…”. Why? Because even though research shows that authoritative parents tend to have children who do better, we cannot 100% say that all children whose parents are authoritative do well. It is not that simple. Some children with authoritative parents don’t do well at all, and some children with neglectful parents, do very well despite of their upbringing.
3. Parenting styles are not separate containers where parents ‘fall in”. We should think about parenting styles as a continuum. For example, you can be mostly authoritative with a touch of permissiveness.
4. At different stages and circumstances of your life, your parenting style may change. For example, when parents go through stressful situations, they tend to become more authoritarian, their parenting turns harsher.
5. If you have more than one child, it may be that you have a different parenting style with each one of them. Why? Because parents influence their children, but children also influence their parents. Different children provoke different reactions in you and that will influence your parenting.
So, try to be authoritative as often as possible because we know that it is best for our children. But also remember that you won’t always get it right and it is OK. Your child does not need a perfect mother.
Here are some articles on parenting styles you may find helpful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
Permissive Parenting Style: Characteristics and Effects
Authoritarian Parenting: What’s It About?
What Is Helicopter Parenting? Characteristics and Consequences
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“You probably get this a lot, and I’ve read some articles on the 4 parenting styles, but what in your opinion is the impact of parenting styles on child development?“
This is a great question! As you know from your readings there are four traditional parenting styles: authoritative (warm and demanding), authoritarian (cold and demanding), permissive (warm and not demanding), and neglectful (cold and not demanding). There is extensive research on these four parenting styles and their links with child development. What appears very clearly is that children who have authoritative parents tend to do better in life. In contrast, children who have neglectful parents tend to do the worst.
It seems pretty straight forward, right? This means that if I am always authoritative, my child will turn out fine. Sadly, it is much more complex than that and here are the reasons:
1. Parenting styles explain children’s outcomes to some extent but they are not the only factor explaining how children turn out.
2. If you have noticed, I have said that “children tend to…”. Why? Because even though research shows that authoritative parents tend to have children who do better, we cannot 100% say that all children whose parents are authoritative do well. It is not that simple. Some children with authoritative parents don’t do well at all, and some children with neglectful parents, do very well despite of their upbringing.
3. Parenting styles are not separate containers where parents ‘fall in”. We should think about parenting styles as a continuum. For example, you can be mostly authoritative with a touch of permissiveness.
4. At different stages and circumstances of your life, your parenting style may change. For example, when parents go through stressful situations, they tend to become more authoritarian, their parenting turns harsher.
5. If you have more than one child, it may be that you have a different parenting style with each one of them. Why? Because parents influence their children, but children also influence their parents. Different children provoke different reactions in you and that will influence your parenting.
So, try to be authoritative as often as possible because we know that it is best for our children. But also remember that you won’t always get it right and it is OK. Your child does not need a perfect mother.
Here are some articles on parenting styles you may find helpful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
Permissive Parenting Style: Characteristics and Effects
Authoritarian Parenting: What’s It About?
What Is Helicopter Parenting? Characteristics and Consequences
I hope the information helps you and it is what you were looking for.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Can parents teach emotional regulation in preschoolers or do I need to take him to a therapist?”
There is no need for you to take your child to a therapist to teach him to regulate his emotions. It is fantastic that you are consciously thinking about how to teach him about emotion regulation. Emotion regulation is one of the most important skills for our children to develop. In general, children who can regulate their emotions, tend to do better in life. Emotion competence, social competence, and academic achievement are very closely linked.
How can you teach him? First, remember that children learn more from what we do than from what we say. So, if you want your child to regulate his emotions well, be a model for him. Show him how you do it. Second, teach him explicitly about emotion regulation. Whenever he loses it, help him to calm down, and then talk to him about what he is feeling, why, and how to handle those emotions. The idea is not for him to avoid feeling negative emotions, but for him to be able to deal with those emotions appropriately. Third, children tend to repeat those behaviours that their parents like. So, use praise whenever he regulates his emotions effectively, and ignore him or tell him when he does not.
I hope this information helps.
Here are a few articles that you may find helpful.
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
How to Deal with Tantrums in 5 Year-Olds?
Executive Functions: Discover Everything You Need to Know
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Your child begged you to sign him up to karate and after much planning, organizing schedules, and calculating financials, you signed him up. And two weeks after the club has started (just when you have bought him the full kit, naturally) … he comes home saying: “I don’t want to do it anymore”. What to do? Do you let him quit or do you force him to keep doing it?
The quick answer is that as in most parenting decisions, there is not a right or wrong answer. It comes down to your own personal values and your child’s particular situation. But let’s dive a little bit deeper into this issue in case you are facing this situation.
Why Does Your Child Want to Quit?
Ideally you want to start by understanding why your child wants to quit. It is not the same that he wants to quit because he does not like the activity than because he feels overwhelmed by homework and other commitments. It could be that she likes the activity but not a specific aspect of it: your daughter likes ballet, but she hates wearing tights. Or it could be that your son loves football but the coach shouts at him and it makes him want to quit. If your child does not like the activity that is one thing but if he does not like an aspect of it, maybe there are adjustments you both can make so he keeps going.
If you ask your child: “Why do you want to quit?”, he will probably respond with: “I don’t know”. So, it may be better to ask: “What do you like/dislike about it?” Don’t rush to give him your opinion or to offer your ideas. Listen to what he has to say.
Is Quitting that Activity Going to Impact Your Child’s Life?
If your child wants to quit playing a sport and it will mean that he won’t do any sports at all, it may be a good idea to push him to keep going or telling him that he can quit as long as he takes on another sport. Tell him that he should do at least one sport because it is good for him. But if your child is already doing so many activities that he has no time to play on his own or he is constantly exhausted, it may not be a bad idea to let him quit.
If you live close to the sea or have a swimming pool and therefore it is vital that your child learns to swim, do not let him quit. Just explain to him that swimming lessons are mandatory until he becomes a confident swimmer.
What Skills Are You Trying to Teach Your Child?
Forcing your child to keep going may teach him valuable skills in life:
1) venturing outside their comfort zone
2) the fact that practice usually makes you better at a skill (although you may not be great)
3) commitment
4) perseverance
All these skills are important ones to learn and develop, however letting your child quit does not mean he is never going to acquire them. There will probably be other learning opportunities along the way.
On the other hand, allowing them to quit may also teach them valuable skills:
1) listening to their own needs
2) being assertive
What Are Your Own Beliefs Regarding Quitting?
Analyse your own reactions: maybe you are horrified at the idea of your child quitting. You may think: “In this house, we are not quitters”; “I have spent so much money on it”; or “You cannot let your team down”. Or maybe you let them quit everything all the time because you do not want your child to experience any discomfort.
Check your own values: why do you want him to quit or to keep doing it? Do you associate quitting with failing? Do you think that it is totally fine quitting what you don’t like? Maybe you want your daughter to do ballet because you never did it as a child and it was your dream? Or although you are not very musical, you want your son to play the piano because all the kids in his class play and you do not want him to be left out.
The Decision-Making Process
It is usually not the best idea to agree for him to quit right after a disastrous game or not being chosen to be the star ballerina at the Christmas show. Similarly, do not let him quit just as you are picking him up, as he has probably had a long day, is tired and hungry. And you probably are too. Now is not the time to make decisions. Tell him you will discuss it tomorrow.
How Old Is Your Child?
Understand development: younger kids do not understand why quitting is such a complicated issue. They will not understand what mixed feelings are. They do not understand why you may be feeling angry or disappointed. With younger kids, parents have more of an input to give them. With teenagers, it may be more appropriate to let them choose for themselves.
What If Your Co-partner and You Disagree?
You may be ready to phone the swimming coach the first time your child says that he does not want to go back whereas your partner may say: “Absolutely not. He signed up for this. He is sticking with it”. Who is right? You both are. You both want what is best for your child but what is best looks different to each of you. Try to reach an agreement keeping this in mind. Maybe you can reach a compromise: your child can quit swimming at the end of the term.
Final Words…
Letting your kid quit gymnastics, football, violin, or noodle-making seems like a vital parenting decision but I can assure you in 20 years’ time, you will both barely remember if she quit or not or what told her at the time. So, do whatever you think is best and do not worry too much about it.
I hope this is useful and good luck if you are in this situation!
Love,
Ana
You may also find these articles useful:
The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?Yes Day for Kids
“Do you have any favorite gentle parenting books?”
I am afraid I am not a big fan of gentle parenting. Mostly, because from a theoretical point of view, it is not clear what parents understand by ‘gentle parenting’ and moreover, it is not clear if it is really a distinct parenting style. Furthermore, there are no studies, and I mean no studies, that have examined whether gentle parenting is good or bad for children. Also, because I think it sets unrealistic expectations for parents. I wrote an article a while ago, explaining why I am not a big fan. You can read it here. I would love to know your thoughts.
So, no books on gentle parenting but there are two books on parenting that I really recommend:
Good Enough: A Framework for Modern Parents by Dr Tara Porter
The 5 Principles of Parenting by Dr Aliza Pressman
Both these books talk about parenting from an evidence-based perspective as well as a realistic perspective, because theory is one thing, but real life is quite different! I hope you like them.
You may also find these articles useful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana Dr Ana Aznar
“How can i be a better mother? I feel like I keep failing with my depression and feeling like I can’t fully connect with my child (aged 1.5 years)”
Your question makes me very sad. Please do not feel like you are failing as a mother. Your depression makes it harder for you. It does not make you a bad mother. The fact that you are here asking for support, means that you are trying to do the best you can for your child.
I would like to know if you have received a depression diagnosis and if so, if you are getting treated. Therapy and medication are usually the best course of action to treat depression.
If you think you are depressed but have not been diagnosed and are not being treated, please get in touch with me and we can arrange the support you need.
You are not the only new mother struggling with depression. It is estimated that around 1 in 5 pregnant and new mothers experience mental health issues, such as depression. One reason for this is that a woman’s brain is incredibly vulnerable when they become a mother, and this means we are more likely to develop mental health issues at this time. At the same time, the way we are raising kids these days: very lonely and intensive, does not support mothers’ mental health.
So, what else can you do to help manage your depression better? Other than therapy and medication, there are a few things that can help:
- Have a clear routine (e.g., having the same breakfast every day, going to bed at the same time every day…) gives structure to your days and reduces decision fatigue.
- Lower the bar: don’t strive for perfection. Only for good enough. You need to be a good enough mother. The perfect mother does not exist.
- Stay social: you may not feel like seeing friends or family but it is important for you and for your child to keep seeing people. Remember that we are inherently social animals and interacting with others is a source of happiness.
- Get outside: there is a lot of research showing how nature is good for our mental health. Try to spend time outdoors every single day. Sit in the sunlight or open a window for fresh air.
- Exercise everyday: you do not have to do high intensity training if you do not feel like it but simply going for a walk, will help you.
- Eat a healthy diet.
- Help others: there is plenty of research showing that helping others, make us feel better.
- Get help from others: If you have a friends or family around you, it is a good idea to tell them about what you are going through and ask them to help with your son on days that you are feeling particularly low.
I hope this information helps. Please do not go through this alone. If you need more support, get in touch with me and we will sort it out straight away. Remember it is very important you take care of yourself to be able to take care of your baby. I wish you the very best.
Love,
Ana
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“Advice for classroom management strategies? New-ish nursery school teacher here and want to make sure I am prepared at the new nursery I’ve transferred to, being that the wee ones (4 year olds in my new class) can be absolutely chaotic at times! Thank you so much.”
Good luck in your new position! The 4-year-olds are lovely but exhausting indeed! I worked in a nursery for a year and remember it very well.
Here are some ideas for you:
- You set the emotional climate in your classroom: the children sense how you feel, whether you are angry, sad, happy… When you are positive and in a good mood, you are likely to establish a good rapport with them and they are more likely to behave well because they will want to please you.
- Use praise: sometimes we only focus on bad behaviour and ignore when they behave well. Notice when they behave well and tell them. They are more likely to repeat the behaviours you praise.
- Assign jobs: giving them jobs makes them feel important members of the group.
- Establish clear routines so they know what is coming and what they are meant to be doing. Children like routine. It gives them stability and a sense of security and safety.
- Set clear expectations and rules. This also gives children a sense of safety.
- Be a good role model: if you want them to be kind and respectful towards each other, you need to behave that well.
- Establish a good rapport with parents and caregivers: caring for children is a team effort.
- Know about child development so you can adjust your expectations about what children that age are able to do.
- Plan transitions: transitions can be chaotic. Manage them by giving them notice when a transition is about to happen, as this will allow children to prepare for them.
I wish you all the very best!
Love,
Ana
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“Do you have suggestions for a good behavior intervention plan for troublesome children in my class? I’m a teacher of grade 5 girls at a girls’ private summer school, and two were ganging up on the rest of the students the past few months. I know it’s nearly the actual school year but I wanted to get ahead on behavior management strategies if this continues.”
If I am not mistaken, grade 5 children are 10-11 years old. This means that they are starting adolescence. They are starting to push away from their parents and their peer group is becoming more and more important. At this stage, peer groups are constantly evolving, and tensions and problems are likely to appear. Children go through hormonal changes at different times, their brains are not fully matured, and they have to manage academic pressure while juggling family and peer dynamics.
What you are describing is relational aggression. This type of aggression is more common amongst girls. Girls who engage in relational aggression harm others damaging their relationships and social standing. They want to gain power and social standing at the expense of their targets. Relational bullying often involves spreading false rumours, making fun of the other person for their personality or appearance, posting negative information online, giving them silent treatment…Your school should have an anti-bullying policy as well as anti-bullying programs. It would be a good idea to implement this program in your classroom. These programs usually involve life-skill and social-emotional learning modules that help young people manage and understand emotions and maintain positive and empathetic relationships.
I would encourage you instead of thinking about ‘troublesome children’ to think about children who, at times, behave poorly.
I hope this information helps.
Love,
Ana
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“Help – my baby cries every time I put her down. She’s 6 months old and has been doing this since 1 month old.”
Babies are born with their own temperament. This means that some babies are easier than others. Some babies have easy temperaments: they don’t cry much, feed well, sleep well, and tend to be content. Other babies have more difficult temperaments: they cry a lot, do not sleep and feed as well, and are more irritable. So, this could be a factor explaining why she likes to be held. It is very possible that she simply likes to be close to you because next to you she is more relaxed and calmer. Also, keep in mind that that babies find it difficult to self-soothe and find it difficult to put themselves back to sleep from being held to being in their cot.
I know very well that having a baby that only wants to be held is exhausting. So if possible, ask other family members or friends to give you a hand with her. Maybe the baby won’t go with them, but they can give you a hand around the house, so you have less on your plate. Also, if you are feeling overwhelmed try not to be alone with the baby a lot. Go for walks with a friend, join a local mum and baby group, or simply sit with the baby at a café. I know that this is tough for you, and I feel for you.
I hope this information helps.
Love,
Ana
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“How can we stop bullying in schools as parents? I’m so sick of my kid coming home crying and the school ain’t doing a thing about the bullies”
Bullying is something that parents and schools should take seriously, and I understand your frustration if the school is not helping.
You need to talk to the school and tell them that nothing they are doing is working. If you have already talked to your child’s teachers, talk to the headteacher. Take to the meeting a written record of all bullying incidents. Record the dates and names of children involved, and where it happened. Approach the meeting with a collaborative spirit and not in a confrontational way. You need to work with the school to stop the bullying.
Ask for specific measures they will take and set up a follow up meeting to discuss progress. Give the school reasonable tome to investigate and implement measures. Keep notes from your meetings. Be persistent. If the bullying continues or gets worse and the school cannot stop it, you may want to talk to a lawyer. You should involve the police if your child has been physical assaulted or if they are threatening him.
Bullying happens in every school but with a good bullying prevention program, it can be reduced. If your school does not have an official anti-bullying policies or prevention programs, you should push for them to develop them.
Here are a few things you could do at home to support your child at home:
- Explain what bullying is and focus on behaviour rather than labelling other children (“They are mean”) or your child (“You are weak”).
- Make it very clear that it is not their fault in any way.
- Reassure your child that action can be taken.
- Encourage them to be assertive. This doesn’t mean that they must be aggressive but calm and firm about their feelings. Practice role play at home so that when they face the bully, they have the tools to respond to them.
- NEVER tell your child to sort it out by hitting the bully back. It rarely works and it can get your child into deeper trouble.
- Explore ways to extend their friendship groups, for example by joining new clubs.
- Encourage activities that encourage self-esteem such as drama or sports.
- Explore ways with them to approach the school even if they don’t want to. You can maybe propose that you talk together with their favourite teacher.
- Be mindful of his electronic devices. Bullying can continue while he is at home through messages and emails.
- DO NOT dismiss it as banter. If your child comes to you because they are being hurt or threatened, try not to say things like “Oh toughen up, it is just a bit of banter” or “Don’t be overdramatic, that has always happened and here we are”. Bullying can have dramatic consequences especially when the victim thinks there is no way out.
- Keep a bullying diary in case you need it in the future. This is important in case the school dismisses the bullying claims or in case you need to get the police involved.
I hope this helps. I wish you and your child all the very best. No child deserves to be bullied.
Love,
Ana
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“Can you please advise on how to handle food aggression in toddlers? I feel like I’m going to lose a hand whenever I give my niece a snack.”
am not sure that ‘food aggression’ is really a thing but I know what you mean. There are two strategies you could use to teach your toddler how to behave around food. First, be a model for her. Children learn more from what they see than from what we do. So, when you eat around her, when you are all at the dinner table together, when she gives you any food, show her the right way to behave. Second, whenever you give her food and she is aggressive, tell her calmly but firmly: “No, you hurt my hand when you take the food this way. Take it gently, like this” (and model it to her). Whenever she gets the snack in a nice way: praise her so she understands how she should behave.
I hope this helps! Your niece is very lucky to have such an invested aunt.
Love,
Ana
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“Teachers say my 5 year old not listening in kindergarten. What can I do?”
This may seem like quite an obvious thing to say but before anything else, check his hearing. It may be that at home he hears well but in kindergarten with all the extra noise, he has hearing difficulties. It is always important to discard any possible physical reasons for our children’s behaviours before focusing on psychological ones.
He could also be having trouble with language, following directions, or focusing. It could also be that he is feeling nervous at kindergarten and that stops him from listening properly. It is always important to remember that your child does not mean to be disrespectful, he needs help building his listening skills. Talk to the teacher about these possible reasons and work together to support him. It is very important that the kindergarten and you work as a team.
At home, you can practice with your son to develop his listening skills. Teach him that whenever the teacher talks to him, he should look at them in the eye and ask him to repeat what they said if he did not quite understand it. The teacher could also sit your child next to a ‘well-behaved’ kid so he can model what he should be doing.
Typically, as your child develops, he will get better at listening. If he does not make progress, it may be a good idea to explore whether he may have ADHD or any other condition.
I wish you three all the very best!
Love,
Ana
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“My daughter’s grandmother, my mother, will sometimes shut my daughter down by critiquing her, for example, telling her she should clean up her room before she makes dance videos with her friends. Note, she’s showing these to my mom because she’s excited about the dances she is creating and wants her to be excited for her too. It makes my daughter feel badly when my mom criticizes her and she wishes she would focus more on the more positive parts of the video she’s sharing, like the dancing or the fun she’s having in making the videos. How do I support my daughter with this dilemma? My daughter is 14 and doesn’t want to make a big deal about it and definitely does not want me to say anything to my mother. It’s important to also note that they generally have a really close relationship which is why it’s so hurtful to my daughter when this kind of thing happens. My mom used to do this with me when I was young too, be nit picky on certain things and it kept me from wanting to tell her things. I want to support my daughter by respecting her wishes to not say something to my mom, but I also don’t want her to be put in a situation where she feels badly or won’t advocate for her feelings. Any suggestions?”
This situation happens often. What is happening is a disconnect between the things your daughter considers important and the things your mum consider important. To your daughter, her dance videos are really important. Your mum does not understand how important they are to your daughter, and she considers that things like having a tidy room are more important.
I understand this is upsetting to your daughter but let’s take this situation as a learning opportunity. Explain to your daughter that many times in life, there will be moments when people that love her will not share her same passions or interests. Tell her that her grandma loves her deeply and she does not want to hurt her feelings, it is simply that her grandma does not realize how important the dance videos are to her. Take this opportunity to teach her about the importance of being assertive, this is, the ability to tell someone how we feel and what we want without hurting the other person’s feelings. So, she could practice telling her grandmother something like: “Grandma, these videos are important for me, so I would really love for you to like them, too. I love you and I want to share this you, but it hurts me when you criticize me for making them”.
I wish you three all the very best!
Love,
Ana
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“I have a strained relationship with my mother (I’m an adult and parent myself) because she’s always been a bipolar parent, but refused to take her medication. Now, she’s ill and needs caring for, but I don’t know if I can handle it. Any advice on how to help a mother with bipolar while still safeguarding mine and my son’s mental health?”
Bipolar disorder is one of the most common life-long conditions. About one to two in every 100 people will have bipolar disorder. This means that almost as many people live with bipolar disorder as they do with cancer. As you very well know, it is a condition where moods can swing from one extreme to another. Mood states can last from days to weeks. Some people will have a few episodes while others can have many.
Without medication, the person can exhibit poor decision making, risky behaviour, sleeplessness, spending sprees, social withdrawal, trouble meeting work obligations, lack of personal hygiene, psychosis or in the worst cases, suicide.
Your situation is difficult and can feel very isolating. This is why connecting with other people experiencing the same thing as you, can help you manage it better and feel less alone. Organizations such as The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) provide a safe space for caregivers and relatives of those living with bipolar disorder.
Right now, with your mum needing care, you need to decide how you want to support her. Only you can make this decision. It may be a good idea to work with a therapist to help you navigate this moment. A therapist will help you establish clear boundaries for you and your son. And remember that you can still support your mother even if you are not directly involved in her day-to-day care. Take care of yours and your son’s mental health, ditch any guilt you may be experiencing, and act according to your own values.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
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“How should I go about cutting ties with a toxic daughter? She’s 30 and horrible to me—I really need to prioritize my mental health and don’t want to let myself get hurt even more.”
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Your message makes me very sad.
This type of problems usually appears because there are not clear boundaries between you and your daughter. I strongly recommend you seek the support of a therapist. The therapist will help you define what your boundaries are, communicate them to your daughter, and be prepared to enforce consequences if your boundaries are crossed. He will also give you the tools to manage your emotions and thoughts.
The reason why I think it is so important that you work with a therapist is that your situation is rare. A recent survey by charity Stand Alone shows that only 5% of estranged parents had initiated it themselves. It is so rare, partly because our society expects parents to unconditionally love their children and to accept any kind of treatment, So, because the situation you are facing is rare, it can make it especially isolating, which is not good for your mental health. You need a space to discuss your situation that is compassionate and non-judgemental.
Parents usually cut off relationships with their children for the same reasons that children cut off their parents: family conflict, differences in personal values, substance abuse, and other difficult behaviours. Research conducted by Stand Alone shows that with daughters, the most common reasons for cutting ties are mental health problems and emotional abuses, whereas divorce and in-laws are the most common reasons in the case of boys.
Estrangement is not always permanent. Mothers and daughters especially, are more likely to go through phases of estrangement and reunification. Also, consider that if you cut ties with your daughter, there will be moments, such as the holidays and birthdays, when you will most likely find it tougher.
I would be very happy to help you find a therapist. Just get in touch with me.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
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“My son hit his head and has a big bump while staying with my mother, but she won’t tell me what happened. I took him to the doctor and he’s fine, but now i don’t know if I can trust my mom to watch him, should I still trust her?”
This is a tricky situation for you. I am sorry about it.
I guess your son is too little to tell you what happened, so you can only rely on your mum and she won’t say anything. As tough as it is, your priority should be your son’s safety, so if I were you, I would tell my mum that she cannot spend time alone with him, unless she tells you what happened. I would tell her that we are happy to hang out with her but that right now I don’t feel safe leaving my son with her.
How is your mum’s health? Could it be that she is not telling you because she does not remember? Perhaps it is worth taking your mum to the doctor for a checkup.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Do you have advice on how to deal with tantrums in 5 year olds? He’s been in just a foul mood for the last few months.”
Tantrums are less common after age 3 but they still may happen at age 5. However, if you are worried talk to your doctor.
Tantrums are brief episodes of extreme and sometimes aggressive behaviours in response to frustration or anger. They usually include crying, hitting, throwing items, biting, pushing, going limp and breath-holding. Tantrums happen because of hunger, tiredness, illness and frustration. Therefore, prevention is the best way to avoid them.
They happen because it may still be difficult for your child to control his emotions. As your child grows and they learn to put their feelings into words, the frequency, length and severity of the tantrums decrease (don’t despair! -There is light at the end of the tunnel). In this article, I give you a few guidelines to help develop your child’s emotional competence.
If you do not manage to prevent them, there is not much you can do once the tantrum starts. The best thing to do is to wait it out. Make sure your child is safe (they sometimes bang their heads against the wall or the floor), stay close but don’t do anything. Once they finish, wipe their tears and redirect their attention to another activity.
The acronym R.I.D.D. can help you handle tantrums (easier said than done, we know):
- Remain calm
- Ignore the tantrum
- Distract the child as soon as it is over
- Do make sure your child is safe but don’t give in to demands.
Do not give in. If you give into the tantrum, you are reinforcing the behaviour and your child will know that if he throws a tantrum, he will get what he wants. We know it may be painful to watch, but the best thing for your child is for you to wait until he is done.
Tantrums and meltdowns can really push you to the limit. Try to remain as calm as you can. If you think you are going to lose it, make sure your child is safe and leave the room for a few seconds to calm yourself down. Another useful technique is to ring a friend and have a chat to distract yourself while making sure your child is safe. Or ask a neighbour to come in. And remember, this phase won’t last forever even if sometimes it feels like it.
You may find these articles useful:
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
